My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...

Arson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinjesus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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I really love setting things on fire, so does my wife and our kid.

The first time he set fire to a building I said "Yep, that's arson".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dezrockkerz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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My son has a real problem with setting things on fire, and it's getting out of hand...

He's been a real pain in my arson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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I tried to clear the weeds on my allotment by setting fire the to the patch with petrol

I've been told that I'm losing the plot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsefan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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i have a passion for setting things on fire

you could say it

BURNS WITH DESIRE

slaps knee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bababababulbasaur
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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My lad got arrested for setting a house on fire...

the police told me it was arson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellowflasher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
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What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?

Bernadette.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire...

It was a hot mess

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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A sage once set himself on fire to cleanse the monastery of evil smells. [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ButterKnifeComics
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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My friend's bakery got set on fire the other day

The business is toast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/politicalmonster1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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I just set an elevator on fire

It just went up in flames

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbbBagger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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A police officer says to a couple: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire".

They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".

Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pvtsoab
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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What do you call a pirate that sets a house on fire

An Arrrrrrrrrsonist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/animatedbutler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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I set my jacket on fire

Now it’s a blazer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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What do you call a girl that sets fires to loan papers?

Bernadette

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TannedCroissant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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I threw a huge party and accidentally set the roof on fire.

So I hid in the basement and waited until the cops and firefighters came and told them that we had a blast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbtehbuild
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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I just heard on the news, Adele has been sent to prison for 8 years

She was charged for setting fire to Lorraine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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I robbed a jewelry store in a top hat and set fire to a house...

apparently I had committed arson lupin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/betA_cyan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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A girl took her past due bill and set it on fire. What's her name?

Bernadette.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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So, a boy tells a girl a joke...

He says "what do you call it when an environmentalist sets a forest on fire?"

She says "I don't know."

He says "Treeson." The girl laughs

He follows saying "Yknow, if you'd like more of these jokes, I got them from a cool source if you're interested."

The girl says "Yes, I'm interested."

The boy then replies "Good to know SOMEONE is interested in me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicholas-Pressey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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A monkey at the zoo set poop on fire and start throwing it.

A few people suffered from turd debris burns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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If you set fire to a stack of ebooks, is it still kindling?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/12px
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2018
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What bird sets letters on fire?

A flaming o

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TopseyNerve
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2018
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Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a day...

...set him on fire and he’s warm the rest of his life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepunis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Just heard there was a fire on the Star Wars set

Two people have been treated for Snoke inhalation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Automaton120
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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A man was trotting across the Prairie when is horse suddenly died...

It took him three days to make it to the closest town. To his dismay, nobody in that town had a horse for sale. So he started walking to the next town. After three days the man, exhausted, started asking around and looking for a horse for sale.Again, nobody could help him.He did,however,stumbled upon a place that sold horses but the man in charge was fresh out.

"Sold my last one just yesterday,"he said."I do, however, have a brother that sells horses. He's about a day's walk west.He owns a corral. He might have a horse to sell you."

So, once again, he sets foot West to the next town and finds the mans brother.

"I heard you might have a horse for sale, he asks."

"Well, I have one, but he don't look so good."he replies.

"I don't care. I've been walking for darn near a week and I'm tired and exhausted. I'll take him."

So after the man pays for the horse, he hops on him takes off and the horse hits a tree and stops.

"Hey,"the man says." I think you sold me a blind horse.Fact is, I'm sure of it!"

"Sir, I told you he don't look so good."the man fires back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.

When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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BREAKING NEWS: New York subway car breaks down after laptop explodes. When asked what happened, the NYPD responded:

A Dell set fire to the train

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πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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What is similar between a cigarette and a hamster?

They’re both harmless until you stick it in you mouth and set it on fire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IvoryBeats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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The Legend of Zorro and the Bacon Tree

So this is a bit long, sorry about that.

Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.

They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.

"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.

Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."

The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."

"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.

Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.

"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"

The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.

"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."

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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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Car crash (dark humor)

Car:*Crashes and engine starts setting on fire*

My dad: *escapes burning car*

Me: *Stuck*

Me:"DAD QUICK HELP I'M STUCK AND THE CAR IS GONNA BLOW SOON"

My dad:"Hi Stuck im dad"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sadkkman123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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How to catch an elephant:

1 - Dig a huge hole, big enough for an elephant.

2 - Light a giant wood fire in the hole and let it burn out completely.

3 - Set peanuts out around the edge of the hole as bait.

4 - When an elephant starts eating the bait, quickly run up behind him and kick him in the ash hole!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SummonerSpell
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?

Bernadette.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.

The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card?

Bernadette

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CD9653
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.

Parents: Arson?

Principal: Yes, your son.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berniemax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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What do you call a woman who sets fire to her electricity bill?

Bernadette

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πŸ‘€︎ u/myname-onreddit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
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If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day.

If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day...

...set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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Give a man a fire, and he's warm for the day

Set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsertUsernameRD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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