How do communist measure time?

In ours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UntamablePig
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles

It was a protracted battle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RatherBeSkiing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with

An our-glass

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MunchieMAG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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What is an appropriate tool for Communists to measure time?

Our Glass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrowningStructure
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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If you measure the length of your thumb, you now have a consistent measuring tool with you at all times.

In other words, a consistent rule of thumb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sykilik101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
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There was once a king who was only 12 inches tall!

Terrible king, but made a great ruler.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rob_Haggis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
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From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?

A square dance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadacolt45
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Astronomers got tired of measuring the time taken for the earth to complete a full rotation of its axis.

So they decided to call it a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCooperTroopa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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Resistance is futile.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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My math professor was late 16 minutes for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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I went to the store.

I was shopping for clocks and rulers, but unfortunately they were sold out of both.

I have resorted to making my own.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteadyingRuck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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How many ears does Spock have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perezgc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
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I love that the Earth spins

It really makes my day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue_Phoenix912
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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I have a friend who's really into spelunking

He invited me to go explore a cave with him, but it seemed dangerous so I declined. Months later he planned another caving expedition and invited me again, but again I said no. Half a year later, he planned another trip, but he insisted that I join him. He spent a great deal of time explaining the safety equipment and measures used, and I reluctantly changed my mind and agreed to go with him. I finally caved

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PreviousWater
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Three clowns measuring a pole

There were three clowns; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repositioned to pick up another pole.

This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn’t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground?

The clowns replied, β€œwe need to know how tall the poles are, not how long!"

source: http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/three-clowns-measuring-a-pole/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Why did the velociraptor eat his friend?

Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures.

(First post here, how'd I do)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mellow_out_dude
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
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Did you know you can measure with your legs after a hard day's work?

I asked this question of my gf and she looked at me oddly and asked how.

Well your legs become a ruler after a long shift.

She looks at me, knowing something's coming. "And how's that?"

Well you always complain that they're a king after a long shift. A king is a ruler, so your legs can measure things.

Took her a minute. Got something thrown at me. Good times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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"What time will dinner be ready?"

"Around a quarter past."

My grandfather gives that answer every single time you ask him what time something will be, no matter what the subject. It's hilarious and infuriating in equal measure.

"When do you plan on going on holiday this year?

"Around a quarter past."

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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My wife cooked me a great breakfast this morning. She was bragging about it.

After a great steak & eggs + side dishes breakfast...

Wife: Man. I'm so great. Cooking requires more creativity and skill than baking. You're just reading measurements with baking. With baking, all you need is time - a lot of time.

Me: What about basil or rosemary?

Wife: Huh?

Me: Basil or rosemary?

Wife: Huh?

A few seconds later, she gets it, sighs, then laughs. A few more seconds later...

Wife: I can't believe you're still laughing at your own joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/claytondufresne
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2015
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Got the coworkers good the other day.

So I work construction and it was me and 2 other guys working a few days ago. Working in an unfinished home when my coworker drops a tape measure in a small floor vent. Me being the smallest guy in the crew he asked me to see if I could reach it because he can't fit his arm in to grab it. So I was able to get it but it scrapped up my arm pretty good.

Coworker says "dang, that looks like it hurt, we could've gotten it another way. You didn't need to do that."

I reply with "It's okay, desperate times call for desperate measures."

Much grunting ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirbrowses
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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Wife beats me at last

So, I've been infuriating my wife with dadjokes for some time now. Phrases such as "I hate you" and "please don't ever speak again" are all-too-common.

Recently, my wife measured my size for a piece of a breathing machine that attaches to my nose (I have sleep apnea).

Me: Oh honey you were right about the breathing machine. I'm definitely a size medium!

Wife: I was right about the nose thing?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Would you say that my assessment was on the nose?

I stood back in awe. She had bested me. I will never, ever, be able to tell a dadjoke like that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fudgebert
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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I tried that tape measure joke.

I had my parents over. We were in my basement putting in new appliances. Inspired by this sub's all-time top post, I grabbed my dad's tape measure and started poking him with it.

"Did you actually need that for anything?"

"No, I'm just trying to measure your patience."

"My patience? I'm not even a doctor."

Learned my lesson.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/broshot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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I got my physics class a while back.

We divided into groups and the lab was to use the measured volume and diameter of various spheres to find our own approximation of pi. So we had to use marbles and some ball bearings. We get to our station to start measuring when a girl in my group says:

Her:"Hey, where'd the blue marble go?"

Me: "I don't know. It'll be fine though, so don't... lose your marbles"

Her:nearly slaps me

I said it a few times that class, and when some other group dropped a marble down the drain I said it loud enough to get a groan from the whole class.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fortisrufus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2016
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Street names

I'll never forget when I was riding shotgun while my dad drove, and we were taking my friend Joe home. We had driven these streets hundreds of times, but at this moment, my dad released all these heretofore unheard-of puns.

We took a right on Cambridge Ave.

Dad looks over and stoically says in a gravelly voice with an -- American Indian?? -- accent, "First came iron horse… then came bridge."

Groans.

As we approach Minot Ln., he asks "do I turn here?" and Joe says "yes," to which dad replies "I don't know, Joe, I might, but I minot!"

Groans.

Finally, we make our last turn onto Cheyenne. Dad says with a deliberate, measured cadence, "You know, growing up, all the girls I met were so forward. It was weird. But then I met Shy Anne."

He finished his sentence right as we pulled into Joe's driveway. He put his right hand on the back of my headrest and turned to face us with a wide smile and the glittering, eyes of a puppy that just fetched on command.

Joe said "Thanks, Mr. Smith," and he got out and ran into his house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doc_ids
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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Brady Haran is gonna be a great dad

Keith: The weights and measures of Great Britain go right back to medieval times and all of these weights and measures were stored by command in the Palace of Westminster. Of course, in the 19th century the whole lot burned down, so Britain lost its weights and measures effectively.

Brady: Would that be an example of… mass destruction?

 

Sauce: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T26Cw77Bco0&t=2m59s

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastFX2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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Had a good one at choir practice

We were singing Handel's "Israel in Egypt." The last movement has the line "The horse and his rider" repeated several times. Towards the end of a measure, it slows down and often people miss it and sing it up tempo. Our choir director said "The last 'rider' isn't as fast as the others."

A guy from the back cracks "That'd be why he's in last place!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckedAsBored
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
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Why were dinosaurs so big?

Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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Why were dinosaurs so big

Jurassic times called for Jurassic measures

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGamerBoy015
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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