I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"
He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
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︎ Mar 09 2021
My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
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︎ Dec 30 2020
My neighbours complained about me groaning and moaning too loudly while having sex in the morning.
If only they knew, I was just trying to put my socks on.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Me when people tell me I make too many puns
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My wife left me because I made too many Green Day references
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My therapist told me Iβm too indecisive
but really Iβm just not so sure.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long
All i said was that i don't give a shit
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︎ Jan 02 2021
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
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︎ Jun 01 2020
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".
They were right. I should have waited until next week.
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︎ Nov 17 2020
Man, I really like soda, but I don't think it likes me too much.
Everytime I drink it, it comes out pissed.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My wife told me it's too dangerous to put away dishes in the dark
I said "it's a whisk I'm willing to take"
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︎ Aug 25 2020
Too political for me
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︎ Feb 12 2020
My wife was changing through channels on TV. She asked me if I skip, too.
I said, βNo, running is faster.β
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︎ Nov 29 2020
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My wife locked me out for telling too many corny, obnoxious word play jokes...
Now Iβm outside banging and hollering
βOh PUN the door!!!β
βOh PUN the door!!!β
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 08 2020
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...
βNah, itβs probably womb temperature!"
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︎ Jul 14 2020
My wife left me because Iβm too insecure...
No wait, sheβs back. She just went out for coffee.
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Mom: "The line was too long, I wasn't going to wait" Me: "Well I have patience, something that you don't"
Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 12 2020
My wife asked, βHoney, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? Itβs too high for me.β
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
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︎ Aug 08 2020
Dad, my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too childish
Son, the only way to handle this is to go straight to her house, ring her doorbell and run away.
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My neighbor got mad at me for planting my flowers too close to the fence...
I told them that they were still a few yards away.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 09 2020
My wife tells me Iβve spent too much money on mirrors.
I guess itβs time for some self-reflection.
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︎ Aug 22 2020
Someone told me to work my calves out because my legs were too small
I still donβt know how it was supposed to help, but my calves ran away.
I miss Luigi and Maria.
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︎ Jul 26 2020
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
π︎ 57
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︎ Mar 25 2020
My wife told me, βDonβt stress out too much because your friends call you fat..β
...βYouβre much bigger than that.β
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︎ May 29 2020
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
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︎ Jan 26 2020
Either I'm too tired or I'm just stupid, but can someone explain this pun to me because I don't get it.
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︎ Dec 19 2019
My daughter asked me why I don't tell any dad jokes. I said they were too dull...
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 12 2020
I donβt know why, but thereβs just something about a duck sitting on the roof of a house that makes me mad and makes me laugh, too
This morning there were two, I was quite conflicted. it was a real paradux.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 26 2020
Me talking to myself: this pie chart is too small!!!
My girlfriend: it's a muffin chart!!!
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︎ Jan 17 2020
I don't really like the rodeo. It's too fast-paced for me.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 28 2020
Dad was too cheap to buy weed killer, so he made us kids jump on weeds to control them. He always told me:
Only you can stamp out domestic violets.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 01 2020
The Wife is leaving me, says I'm way too obsessed with Astronomy...
...I mean, what planet is She on !!
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 17 2020
My friends tell me that sometimes I can be too talkative. They think I make a lot of unnecessary comments
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 28 2020
My boss fired me for cracking too many Asian jokes.
π︎ 131
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︎ Jul 22 2019
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn't say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
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︎ Jan 11 2020
I took a bite of a jalapeno that was much too spicy for me
Some might say I was in - hella-pain-yo
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︎ Feb 15 2020
Dad walks in tell me (who just started dreading having to shave) and says: I too didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me. finger guns
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︎ Dec 13 2019
My English teacher gave me a D on my literature essay. Among other things, my Works Cited page was apparently βtoo short and informalβ.
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︎ Nov 26 2019
I've always wanted to learn Braille but I'm too afraid to ask somebody to teach me
π︎ 63
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︎ May 31 2019
Me too my bread, me too
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 09 2019
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
π︎ 482
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︎ Oct 08 2018
I went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees. The owner counted out 13 and gave them to me. I told him, "you gave me 1 too many." He responded...
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 08 2019
After one too many jokes about farm animals, my wife couldn't take it anymore. She told me to get out.
π︎ 27
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︎ Oct 12 2019
My wife tells me that I am too indecisive
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︎ Mar 23 2019
When I was 12, I was disqualified from a track meet for too many false starts. To cheer me up, my Dad...
took me to Dairy Queen. As he handed me my medium Skor Blizzard he said, "Here you go, a DQ you can feel good about." I laughed and felt better.
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︎ Jan 12 2016
My wife told me I wonβt advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I said, βOh yeah? Just you wait.β
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︎ Sep 28 2019
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside herβ¦
I said, βNah, itβs probably womb temperature.β
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Apr 12 2017
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside herβ¦
I said, βNah, itβs probably womb temperature.β
π︎ 340
π
︎ Jun 15 2019
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