I went to a job interview today and the interviewer asked me "what is your greatest weakness?". I said "I am too honest"

He said "I don't think that's a weakness"

"Well I don't give a f* what you think"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references

But in the end, it doesn't even matter

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbours complained about me groaning and moaning too loudly while having sex in the morning.

If only they knew, I was just trying to put my socks on.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Me when people tell me I make too many puns
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atrashx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because I made too many Green Day references

Do you have the time to listen to me whine

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My therapist told me I’m too indecisive

but really I’m just not so sure.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slcikdeaaal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long

All i said was that i don't give a shit

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lmaobio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife left me cause Im too insecure

Never mind she was just at the grocery store

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bribonzuelo92
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".

They were right. I should have waited until next week.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Man, I really like soda, but I don't think it likes me too much.

Everytime I drink it, it comes out pissed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/3-Clin3_2a
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad

Me: it was an adjustment

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparxican
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me it's too dangerous to put away dishes in the dark

I said "it's a whisk I'm willing to take"

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrightHausJon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Too political for me
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/galacticspheal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was changing through channels on TV. She asked me if I skip, too.

I said, β€œNo, running is faster.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tippedframe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...

I had become trans-parent

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bredstikz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife locked me out for telling too many corny, obnoxious word play jokes...

Now I’m outside banging and hollering β€˜Oh PUN the door!!!’ β€˜Oh PUN the door!!!’

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...

β€œNah, it’s probably womb temperature!"

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because I’m too insecure...

No wait, she’s back. She just went out for coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom: "The line was too long, I wasn't going to wait" Me: "Well I have patience, something that you don't"

Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quiixoticelixer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked, β€œHoney, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”

It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad, my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too childish

Son, the only way to handle this is to go straight to her house, ring her doorbell and run away.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuffedmemes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor got mad at me for planting my flowers too close to the fence...

I told them that they were still a few yards away.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainAmerica80
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tells me I’ve spent too much money on mirrors.

I guess it’s time for some self-reflection.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedeafbadger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone told me to work my calves out because my legs were too small

I still don’t know how it was supposed to help, but my calves ran away.

I miss Luigi and Maria.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rant-rant-rant
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.

Well, toucan play that game.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpiceCake68
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œDon’t stress out too much because your friends call you fat..”

...”You’re much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomLemon10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Either I'm too tired or I'm just stupid, but can someone explain this pun to me because I don't get it.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woohoo1900
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked me why I don't tell any dad jokes. I said they were too dull...

I only tell edgy jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arrakis_Surfer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t know why, but there’s just something about a duck sitting on the roof of a house that makes me mad and makes me laugh, too

This morning there were two, I was quite conflicted. it was a real paradux.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cgvt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Me talking to myself: this pie chart is too small!!!

My girlfriend: it's a muffin chart!!!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamKayrox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't really like the rodeo. It's too fast-paced for me.

I prefer the sidewalkeo.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad was too cheap to buy weed killer, so he made us kids jump on weeds to control them. He always told me:

Only you can stamp out domestic violets.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The Wife is leaving me, says I'm way too obsessed with Astronomy...

...I mean, what planet is She on !!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My friends tell me that sometimes I can be too talkative. They think I make a lot of unnecessary comments

But...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Calcium
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss fired me for cracking too many Asian jokes.

It ended my Korea.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn't say anything when I got paid too much.

I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I took a bite of a jalapeno that was much too spicy for me

Some might say I was in - hella-pain-yo

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad walks in tell me (who just started dreading having to shave) and says: I too didn't like my beard at first.

Then it grew on me. finger guns

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My English teacher gave me a D on my literature essay. Among other things, my Works Cited page was apparently β€œtoo short and informal”.

His words, not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cylasbreakdown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I've always wanted to learn Braille but I'm too afraid to ask somebody to teach me

It's a touchy subject

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagusiu
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Me too my bread, me too
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fishy1233
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.

πŸ‘︎ 482
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TongueSupper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees. The owner counted out 13 and gave them to me. I told him, "you gave me 1 too many." He responded...

That one is a freebie

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slntrob
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
After one too many jokes about farm animals, my wife couldn't take it anymore. She told me to get out.

I said fine, alpaca bag.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baltinerdist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tells me that I am too indecisive

[Deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was 12, I was disqualified from a track meet for too many false starts. To cheer me up, my Dad...

took me to Dairy Queen. As he handed me my medium Skor Blizzard he said, "Here you go, a DQ you can feel good about." I laughed and felt better.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.

I said, β€œOh yeah? Just you wait.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, β€œNah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2017
🚨︎ report
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, β€œNah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

πŸ‘︎ 340
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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