My wife left me because I made too many Linkin Park references
But in the end, it doesn't even matter
My wife left me because I made too many Green Day references
Do you have the time to listen to me whine
Me when people tell me I make too many puns
My therapist told me I’m too indecisive
but really I’m just not so sure.
My friend said that it is bad to keep shit in me too long
All i said was that i don't give a shit
Man, I really like soda, but I don't think it likes me too much.
Everytime I drink it, it comes out pissed.
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".
They were right. I should have waited until next week.
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
My wife was changing through channels on TV. She asked me if I skip, too.
I said, “No, running is faster.”
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
My wife told me it's too dangerous to put away dishes in the dark
I said "it's a whisk I'm willing to take"
My wife locked me out for telling too many corny, obnoxious word play jokes...
Now I’m outside banging and hollering
‘Oh PUN the door!!!’
‘Oh PUN the door!!!’
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...
“Nah, it’s probably womb temperature!"
My wife left me because I’m too insecure...
No wait, she’s back. She just went out for coffee.
Mom: "The line was too long, I wasn't going to wait" Me: "Well I have patience, something that you don't"
Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Dad, my girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too childish
Son, the only way to handle this is to go straight to her house, ring her doorbell and run away.
My neighbor got mad at me for planting my flowers too close to the fence...
I told them that they were still a few yards away.
My wife tells me I’ve spent too much money on mirrors.
I guess it’s time for some self-reflection.
Someone told me to work my calves out because my legs were too small
I still don’t know how it was supposed to help, but my calves ran away.
I miss Luigi and Maria.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
My wife told me, “Don’t stress out too much because your friends call you fat..”
...”You’re much bigger than that.”
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
My daughter asked me why I don't tell any dad jokes. I said they were too dull...
Either I'm too tired or I'm just stupid, but can someone explain this pun to me because I don't get it.
I don’t know why, but there’s just something about a duck sitting on the roof of a house that makes me mad and makes me laugh, too
This morning there were two, I was quite conflicted. it was a real paradux.
Dad was too cheap to buy weed killer, so he made us kids jump on weeds to control them. He always told me:
Only you can stamp out domestic violets.
I don't really like the rodeo. It's too fast-paced for me.
The Wife is leaving me, says I'm way too obsessed with Astronomy...
...I mean, what planet is She on !!
Me talking to myself: this pie chart is too small!!!
My girlfriend: it's a muffin chart!!!
My friends tell me that sometimes I can be too talkative. They think I make a lot of unnecessary comments
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn't say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
My boss fired me for cracking too many Asian jokes.
I took a bite of a jalapeno that was much too spicy for me
Some might say I was in - hella-pain-yo
Dad walks in tell me (who just started dreading having to shave) and says: I too didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me. finger guns
My English teacher gave me a D on my literature essay. Among other things, my Works Cited page was apparently “too short and informal”.
I've always wanted to learn Braille but I'm too afraid to ask somebody to teach me
I went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees. The owner counted out 13 and gave them to me. I told him, "you gave me 1 too many." He responded...
After one too many jokes about farm animals, my wife couldn't take it anymore. She told me to get out.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
My wife tells me that I am too indecisive
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.
My wife told me I won’t advance in my career because I procrastinate too much.
I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.”
My wife keeps telling me I listen to too much Milli Vanilli.
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
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