Accordance Puns

It’s a mail dominated industry.

According to a recent survey, 8 out of 10 people agree that they make up 80% of the population.

Cyan-aura.

There is only 3 days till Xmas.

Alcohol is a solution.

They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.

It’s considered to be a personal fowl.

I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

Never get over it.

Fünf.

It will be my Civic duty.

It’s the first Indie movie.

To clarify, WHO let the dogs out

...according to the dictionary.

Dad: That’s sound advice.

She says she either feels very manic, or quite depressed - never a happy medium.

(According to my facebook memories, I made this one up 7 years ago!)

Well, I guess I better drink it before it gets too cool

people who are mean tend to be average.

What follows is a transcription of our conversation

Me: I hope he helps his patients find Accord in their lives

Her: Well therapy is only one Element to success

Me: He's just doing his Civic duty

Her: He gives them Clarity and Insight

Me: On their Odyssey through life

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

Police say they're still at Large

« What is the best death according to you ?

• I think the best way to go is to die like my grandfather... he fell asleep and never woke up.

• Dying in your sleep is indeed said to be the best way to go. So what do you consider the worst way to die ?

• Like my grandfather’s friends.

-Why ? How did they die ?

-They were in the car when Grandpa fell asleep. »

I forgot to brush my teeth...

I should have taken it with a grain of salt

Tennessee

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.

He always said i took up space in school.

That makes ketchup a smoothie!

They aren’t having a gay old time anymore.

The other 50% don't know grammer and speling.

None of them seemed surprised

I don't know if it's been done before but it's my favorite.

Which came first the chicken or the egg...

[Regardless of answer]

Not according to the rooster.

"A-maize-ing!" I exclaimed.

I was asked to stop laughing because I was "causing a scene."

I guess this makes me his carbuncle.

(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)

1. No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.

2. The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.

3. If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.

4. Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.

5. You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.

6. If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.

7. When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...

For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event over another as you work, or discussing other controversial matters. That won't change as long as you don't abuse this. Please keep your fence posts in good taste and suitable for all audiences. But if you do bring risque fence posts, make sure to cover them with a shroud labeled adult only, and I won't pull them up, provided the other rules are followed.

Here is the joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. ‘My friend is dead! What should I do?’ The operator replies, ‘Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.’ There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, ‘Ok, now what?’”

Here is the article to back it up: http://www.urbo.com/content/the-worlds-funniest-joke-according-to-science

Insert Mic Drop

....there's only 3 days left till Xmas

Cyan-aura.

Cyan-aura.

Never get over it.