According to the second amendment, I have the right to bear arms

Now what do I do about the rest of the animal?

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_ZEN0N_
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
According to ancient Japanese lore, your aura takes a particular colour when you die.

Cyan Aura.

πŸ‘︎ 932
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worst student she's ever had.

Oops... sorry, wrong thread !

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
According to a recent study, it’s really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.

It’s a mail dominated industry.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A pirate walk into a bar

The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'

Pirate: 'Oh nothing'

'What about your leg, where did it go'

'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'

'What about the hook, where did the hand go'

'I lost it in a heated swordfight'

'Then how did you get the eyepatch'

'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'

'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'

'It was my first day with the hook'

πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brony_kid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
According to a recent survey...

According to a recent survey, 8 out of 10 people agree that they make up 80% of the population.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cosmic_Fox_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...

and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
According to my chocolate advent calender....

There is only 3 days till Xmas.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
According to chemistry...

Alcohol is a solution.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
According to official NASA documents they have Aliens on the ISS.

They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Imaginator127
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"

I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
According to the new rules this year, NFL players are no longer allowed to have a chicken as a pet.

It’s considered to be a personal fowl.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The first mention of cars was in the New Testament.

I Acts it says they were all in one accord.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Total eclipse

According to NASA, in 600 million years, the moon's orbit will have increased enough that total solar eclipses will no longer be possible. After that point, the only total eclipses will be lunar and "of the heart".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dissemin8or
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
About bill and melinda

So, Bill and Melinda Gates are getting a divorce She gets the house and He gets the Windows!

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring. The main reason she divorced Bill Gates because he was in Office365 days.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sq009
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?

FΓΌnf.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tru-Queer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles....

Never get over it.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
According to a survey, the favourite film of most hipsters is β€œRaiders of the Lost Ark”.

It’s the first Indie movie.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What car did Jesus drive in the bible?

An Accord,

β€œFor I did not speak of my own Accord.” John 12:49

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XPSU
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, according to the manual, it’s not a good idea to have the volume of your phone turned up to the maximum.

Dad: That’s sound advice.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic

But i like to have sex on my own Accord

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aromipesa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Dogs can not contract coronavirus and do not have to quarantined anymore according to the world health organization

To clarify, WHO let the dogs out

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wallaster27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.

It will be my Civic duty.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife has this weird case of OCD where she organizes the dinner plates according to the year we bought them.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

πŸ‘︎ 546
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report
According to statistics,

people who are mean tend to be average.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LosreDorke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: The man who wrote the hokey pokey died today, according to officials they struggled getting him into the body bag because they put his right leg in, then his right leg out, in out in out they shook it all about.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gladhandz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a gang of shoplifters going across town systematically stealing clothes according to size.

Police say they're still at Large

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lostsharpie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I think this one speaks for itself
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/salad_memes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
🚨︎ report
This is a very hard joke according to my 5 year old son: What do a pineapples say when they're reading in the bed?

I forgot to brush my teeth...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imgprojts
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Rats are underrated...

...according to the dictionary.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to cook according to a recipe but the food was bland

I should have taken it with a grain of salt

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
In 1935, an American went out on a quest to discover the Loch Ness monsters. He found that according to legend, there were at least 10 in existence. Instead of trying Scotland, he believed the US might have these lake monsters. In which state did he begin his quest?

Tennessee

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TITANofATHENS
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
According to a survey, 80% of the people don't know how to use the superlative degree in English.

That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad Joked by daughter

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notactjack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
According to my dad, i should have been an astronaut.

He always said i took up space in school.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Tomatoes are fruits according to wikipedia...

That makes ketchup a smoothie!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
According to USA Today, people have become less accepting of LGBTQ+ Americans since the election.

They aren’t having a gay old time anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KMyrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I met a bipolar fortune teller yesterday...

She says she either feels very manic, or quite depressed - never a happy medium.

(According to my facebook memories, I made this one up 7 years ago!)

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaron2571
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
According to a survey 40% of the people are terrible at math.

The other 50% don't know grammer and speling.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
According to my wife's pregnancy app, our unborn child is the size of an ear of corn.

"A-maize-ing!" I exclaimed.

I was asked to stop laughing because I was "causing a scene."

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
🚨︎ report
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

πŸ‘︎ 152
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
According to my chocolate advent calendar...

....there's only 3 days left till Xmas

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes to cyan before they die.

Cyan-aura.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes to cyan before they die.

Cyan-aura.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rms1111
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles

Never get over it.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/calvo987
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2017
🚨︎ report

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