When my roommate streams on Twitch I like to invade his chat with puns. Thought you might enjoy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordsyphilitis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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My dad made his first dad joke in a long time

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said β€œwell then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, β€œwell what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, β€œwell he can’t lay eggs”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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We were all excited about our mountaineering trip, but then our friend Max chickened out.

He has always been an anti climb Max.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Max Sweet and Eliza Stakes are robbing a bank when suddenly the lights come on

Max turns and says, " Miss Stakes, we're made"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oupablo
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Damn right

Under the current guidelines your milkshake is only permitted to bring 9 boys to the yard, max.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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What do you call it when you hit a Formula 1 driver?

Max Verslappen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_OrangeJu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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I told my dad about r/dadjokes. He told me to post this pickup line:

Fiat Fullback, Nissan Navara, Toyota Hilux, Volkswagen Amarok, Isuzu D Max, Ssangyong Musso

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ollieacappella
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2017
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She asked for a Golden Retriever [xpost]

She got a Golden Retreiver

And that look.....that's the look we all know and love. A truly well executed dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SgtMac02
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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A man is selling a TV at a garage sale for 1$...

It is a close to new, 50” 4K flatscreen, and a woman comes up and asks him β€œWhat’s wrong with this TV, to only be selling it for a dollar?”

The man tells her β€œWell, there’s nothing wrong with the picture, or anything like that, but the volume is stuck on max, and you can’t change it at all. So are you interested in buying it for a dollar?”

She says β€œWell, you can’t turn that down”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsAndIT
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
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Dad-joked by my french teacher.

Just pretext: "un Ε“uf" in french means "an/one egg".

French Teacher: Why do French people only eat one egg per day max?

Response: Because one egg is un Ε“uf. (sounds similar to enough)

It may not seem very funny, but with the right prenunciation, this dadjoke is a killer vocally.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shockingnews213
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2014
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Aaron Rodgers played with an injured calf on Sunday (X-Post from /r/GreenBayPackers)
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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After beating my roommate at Mortal Kombat...

I don't have any kids, but I think this was pretty dad-like:

We usually scream at max volume when we play, but our other roommate was sleeping so we had to stay pretty quiet.

It was my Kung Lao and Kano vs his Smoke and Sonya.

I swept him clean, 3-0, and he gave the excuse, "It was because I couldn't get loud."

I told him, "Oh, but you did get loud... KUNG LAO'D!"

He groaned, I basked in the glory.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/staggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2015
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I was just charged with attempted murder...

Which is bullshit! I had, like, six crows, max!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mish106
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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The wrong truck...

So leaving the resteraunt today, I noticed I had parked next to a nearly identical truck to mine. The only discernable difference being a Christian "fish" decal on the back of the other truck. As my teen son began to walk toward the stranger's truck, my youngest said "Max, that's the wrong truck." To which Max replied "Yeah. I thought there was something fishy about it."

I have raised them well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
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At Mad Max last weekend...

The scene where Max is grabbed by the Pole Cat,

http://cdn.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/mad-max-fury-road-image-the-war-rig.jpg

and ends up getting dumped onto the car with the drums and guitar guy

http://i.guim.co.uk/static/w-620/h--/q-95/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/3/31/1427821675682/5e25da37-61d7-44fd-a9a3-b2f5b8b5a791-620x372.jpeg

I leaned over to my GF and said "It looks like he's jumped onto... the bandwagon" She totally lost it :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/worldspawn00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2015
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The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

β€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

β€œPlease, call me Max”

β€œAlright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

β€œNo that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, β€œI’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyohnny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
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My daughter was looking at her sleeping pet dog, Max, and asked, "Daddy, do dogs have dreams?"

"Of course they do, sweetheart," I replied, "When Max was a puppy he wanted to grow up to play shortstop for the New York Yankees!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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The production staff of Car Talk at NPR
  • Accounts Payable Administrator_______________Imelda Czechs

  • Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office__________Dasha Chekhov

  • Air-Quality Monitor _________________________Carmine Dioxide

  • Caffeine Addiction Counselor__________________Bruno Moore

  • Chief Legal Counsel_________________________ Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe

  • Cliche Monitor_____________________________Saul Wellingood

  • Clothing Designer__________________________Hugh Jass

  • Credit Counselor___________________________Max Stout

  • Director of Purchasing_______________________Lois Bidder

  • Director of Pavlovian Research________________Isabelle Ringing

  • Divorce Attorney___________________________Carmine Nottyors

  • Dog Trainer_______________________________Don Chase Katz

  • Ebay Specialist____________________________Selma Junkoff

  • Head of Security___________________________Barb Dwyer

  • Global Economics Forecaster_________________Helena Handbasket

  • Marine Biologist___________________________Frieda Wales

  • Father-in-Law Liaison_______________________Royal Payne Diaz

  • Mother-in-Law Liaison______________________Stella Payne Diaz

  • Official Spokesperson_______________________Howie Vasive

  • Restroom Attendants_______________________Trudy Door & Donna Hall

  • Russian Chauffeur__________________________Picov Andropov

  • Scout Leader______________________________Lawson D. Woods

  • Shop Foreman_____________________________Luke Bizzy

  • Staff Intuitionist____________________________Ivan Inkling

  • Used Car Salesman_________________________Alexis Itznot

Full list can be found here: http://www.cartalk.com/content/staff-credits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcedPyro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
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Introduced myself to the new bartender at work. Gave her solid gold, butt it went right over her head πŸ˜‘

On mobile sorry if errors. Context: I work in a bar. We hired a new girl, she came in right before it got busy. After two hours worked working together..

Me: "Sorry I didn't get a chance to properly introduce myself. I'm Max by the way....but that's not my real last nMe"

Her:"Hi, I'm Gabbi, wait, what?"

Me:"nevermind"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maxlifts
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
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TV for just a buck!

60" TV for sale - only $1! Why so cheap, you may ask? Well the volume is stuck at max, but that's a very minor inconvenience for an otherwise perfectly beautiful television. Jump on this deal quick! You can't turn it down!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xechorizo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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I ate dinner at a retirement home today. After I sat down an older gentleman got up from his seat, slowly walked over to me, parked his walker, looked at me and said "you look new around here, if you ever need anything from me here's my card". [ xpost from r/pics]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Respectful_Lurker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
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Why did Nivea Cream?

Because Max Factor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Duckus6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2015
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Making pancakes in our new kitchen

"Don't use the max setting on the stove ventilator." "Why not?" "The pancakes get stuck in the filter."

You can tell he's proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Berengal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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My friend can't keep his cat and tried to give it to me.

I told him, "No, sorry, we're at max catacity!" without realizing what I was saying. Everyone else groaned but I laughed until my stomach hurt. :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idkmybffyossarian
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2014
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While packing a suitcase

"And I'll need a few shirts."

"You'll only need two shirts max."

"But I'm not Max, I'm Tom!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boojamon
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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This building has more occupancy than most

https://i.reddituploads.com/44eb2dd5c0dc46278edbe7e6366eb8e7?fit=max&h=1536&w=1536&s=467b8dd3adb448a3795d78348f23a3f5

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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinland
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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