My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Turns out it was a real head scratcher.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My cat came up to me and meowed imploringly then started massaging my leg with its paws...

My cat kneads me!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Foot massages,

they're good for the sole.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bekahbuxi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.

Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My massage therapist got fired...

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek...

It was very half-assed

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arteminxx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How would I describe the massage I had today?

Much kneaded.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The most expensive massage parlors make you feel the most energized

They charge you a lot

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ewormPL
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear some US states are considering reopening massage parlors. There's no happy ending in this scenario.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chxkh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
When I'm really feeling stressed out, I massage auto parts to relax...

Sometimes, I just knead a brake.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not sure if I like my massage therapist.

She just rubs me the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A little boy watched, fascinated as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful!" said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work.

I was deeply touched.

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
This happened during my massage today

Massage Therapist: (Going over where is and isn't okay to massage) And where do you stand on your glutes?

Me: Well normally I sit on them but you're free to massage them.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kolin728
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Hot take: I'm a strong massage a knee advocate
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScholesRightFoot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Been thinking about starting a massage parlore that is also a bakery

Gonna name it Head, Shoulders, Kneeds, and Doughs

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a deep hatred for massages

I’m massage-gynist

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isla_am
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
So I went to get a massage and I didn't really like the guy giving the massage,

I don't know I guess he just rubbed me the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Line6Guitarist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totally_a_Banana
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I was feeling tense so my girlfriend sent me a .gif to help.

It was a text massage

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLaBolle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a massage from a cow?

A moo-ssage

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tortellinipizza
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a massage therapist who hates women?

A massagynist

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chopandscrew
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I was about to try this new massage parlor that just opened but..

I figured I'd wait until they work out all the kinks.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_Jefe_Maximus
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A chiropractor’s sign at an event reads β€˜free chair massage’.

β€œChair massages? I would’ve brought mine in if I knew ahead of time.”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farewell_sushi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
During my massage the therapist yanked my foot.

I couldn't tell if it was part of the massage or if she was just pulling my leg.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronburr1804
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does a meatball go to get a massage?

The Spa Ghetti

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanBiped
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Out of the blue, I decided to take my wife to a commercial establishment offering health and beauty treatment through such means as steam baths, exercise equipment, and massage

You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avasnay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Robert Kraft (owner of the New England Patriots) get a happy ending at a massage parlor in Florida???

To get his balls deflated.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twill2318
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women?

A massaginist.

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pad0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife was reading an article about baby massages

Me: Do you think they work?
Her: I'm not sure.
Me: I don't think their fingers are strong enough.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Not many people knew that the spa is closed

A lot of them didn’t get the massage.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/risanthy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Family and I are at the country fair when daughter number 2 notices a cow being massaged.

Daughter #2: Dad you know why we shouldn't buy milk from that cow?

Me: "No sweetheart why"?

Daughter #2: "With a snicker". "Because it's spoiled"!

My wife: "Groan".

Daughter #3: "Mooooooooo".

Edit: Quotes as requested.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buddhaplayshockey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
🚨︎ report
There was some baby massage oil in the supermarket.

Impressive, I thought. I'm 25 and I don't know how to do a massage.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I like to sneak up behind women and give them massages

The ladies love it - they call me a massage-inist

-RIP Papa Franku

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ButSheLooked18Tho
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Did he ever say no homo?
πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cluster-clock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
If you think men are better than women at giving fortunetellers backrubs, that’s massage a mystic.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeramyguitar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2018
🚨︎ report
The man wanted to hit the complaint button during his massage but it was just out of reach

He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but she really rubbed him the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife has been asking for massages...

My wife is pregnant and one of the big things to prepare for labor and birth is relaxation and massage. She's always saying "rub me, please", or "do you want to rub me?"

I'll always tell her "I do rub you, I rub you a rot."

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LickItAndSpreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
🚨︎ report
I got a massage today. I think the masseuse liked me.

She said I was super tight.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisKidsAlright
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
🚨︎ report
A friend bought me a massage.

The masseuse only worked on my front, so I didn't really enjoy it. I wish I could've given it back.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the massage therapist have no friends?

She rubbed people the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hiking907
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Got fired from the massage parlor.

I rubbed one of my clients up the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My massage therapist got fired ...

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my wife offered to give me a full body massage.

I was deeply touched.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I don't know why, but I don't really like my new massage therapist.

I guess she just rubs me the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/camly75
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
🚨︎ report

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