Why did the priest give massages to all the corpses he prayed over?
Because he was also a neck-romancer.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
My massage therapist got fired...
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jun 25 2020
My wife is studying to become a massage therapist
All she wants to do is study and practice. Iβve got to cook; Iβve got to clean. Itβs tough.
But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.
Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
Foot massages,
they're good for the sole.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek...
π︎ 135
π
︎ Jul 24 2020
How would I describe the massage I had today?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
The most expensive massage parlors make you feel the most energized
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
I hear some US states are considering reopening massage parlors. There's no happy ending in this scenario.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 23 2020
Iβm not sure if I like my massage therapist.
She just rubs me the wrong way.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Feb 24 2020
When I'm really feeling stressed out, I massage auto parts to relax...
Sometimes, I just knead a brake.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 21 2020
Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work.
π︎ 185
π
︎ Aug 03 2019
This happened during my massage today
Massage Therapist: (Going over where is and isn't okay to massage) And where do you stand on your glutes?
Me: Well normally I sit on them but you're free to massage them.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 24 2019
Been thinking about starting a massage parlore that is also a bakery
Gonna name it Head, Shoulders, Kneeds, and Doughs
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 18 2019
So I went to get a massage and I didn't really like the guy giving the massage,
I don't know I guess he just rubbed me the wrong way.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 11 2019
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...
...Since she can't look sideways anyways...
π︎ 79
π
︎ Mar 05 2019
What do you call a massage from a cow?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 14 2019
What do you call a massage therapist who hates women?
π︎ 213
π
︎ Jul 26 2017
A chiropractorβs sign at an event reads βfree chair massageβ.
βChair massages? I wouldβve brought mine in if I knew ahead of time.β
π︎ 24
π
︎ Sep 16 2018
I was about to try this new massage parlor that just opened but..
I figured I'd wait until they work out all the kinks.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 22 2019
During my massage the therapist yanked my foot.
I couldn't tell if it was part of the massage or if she was just pulling my leg.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 02 2019
Where does a meatball go to get a massage?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 21 2019
Out of the blue, I decided to take my wife to a commercial establishment offering health and beauty treatment through such means as steam baths, exercise equipment, and massage
You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 12 2019
Why did Robert Kraft (owner of the New England Patriots) get a happy ending at a massage parlor in Florida???
To get his balls deflated.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 22 2019
What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women?
π︎ 187
π
︎ Sep 30 2016
My wife was reading an article about baby massages
Me: Do you think they work?
Her: I'm not sure.
Me: I don't think their fingers are strong enough.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 15 2018
There was some baby massage oil in the supermarket.
Impressive, I thought. I'm 25 and I don't know how to do a massage.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 27 2018
I like to sneak up behind women and give them massages
The ladies love it - they call me a massage-inist
-RIP Papa Franku
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 13 2018
If you think men are better than women at giving fortunetellers backrubs, thatβs massage a mystic.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 11 2018
My wife has been asking for massages...
My wife is pregnant and one of the big things to prepare for labor and birth is relaxation and massage. She's always saying "rub me, please", or "do you want to rub me?"
I'll always tell her "I do rub you, I rub you a rot."
π︎ 117
π
︎ Nov 06 2013
The man wanted to hit the complaint button during his massage but it was just out of reach
He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but she really rubbed him the wrong way.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 11 2018
I got a massage today. I think the masseuse liked me.
She said I was super tight.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Nov 17 2016
A friend bought me a massage.
The masseuse only worked on my front, so I didn't really enjoy it. I wish I could've given it back.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 24 2017
My GF came back from a therapeutic massage.
She told me the masseuse was "shocked at how stiff it was". I told her I have that too sometimes.
π︎ 82
π
︎ Feb 06 2015
Was giving my wife a massage and drinking a beer
I told her she was getting a Rub and Chug... She promptly ended the massage.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 23 2016
Teacher mentioned specialist who would massage one's aura in a lecture on holistic medicine...
..."I could really go for an aural massage right now" I said.
I didn't realize I'd spoken aloud until I felt everyone silently staring at me.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 09 2017
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 04 2014
My buddy and his gf went grocery shopping after getting a thai massage
And they bought a bottle of sriracha sauce. My buddy saw the "made in thailand" thing on the bottle and said "I think the masseuse hypnotized me and made me buy a thai product". To which I replied with "I guess she gave you a subliminal massage".
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 06 2015
How does a massage therapist practice martial arts?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 27 2015
The foot massage
Note: even though my great grandmother made this joke I feel it was dad-joke worthy.
While visiting my great grandmother (she's 96 yrs old during this time) recently she asked my dad for a foot massage, my dad happily obliged. She told him that he'd made her so proud in life to have a grandson like him and how wonderful he is while receiving the foot massage. My dad have the best massage he could muster for a good 30 minutes before he was too tired to continue. When my dad had finished massaging her feet he asked "how was that grandma?" Which she replied with "I haven't felt anything in my feet in 10 years" then she burst out laughing to the best that her health would allow. She passed away a few weeks later, she always played jokes on us even to her last days. Thanks for reading.
Rest in peace great grandma
TL:DR grandma needs new legs.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 07 2013
Why did the massage therapist have no friends?
She rubbed people the wrong way.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
Got fired from the massage parlor.
I rubbed one of my clients up the wrong way.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
My massage therapist got fired ...
I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jul 13 2020
Today my wife offered to give me a full body massage.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Dec 08 2018
I don't know why, but I don't really like my new massage therapist.
I guess she just rubs me the wrong way.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Jul 09 2017
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
