Why did the priest give massages to all the corpses he prayed over?

Because he was also a neck-romancer.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/merfkvrf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My massage therapist got fired...

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook; I’ve got to clean. It’s tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/recentlyunearthed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.

Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Foot massages,

they're good for the sole.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bekahbuxi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend gave me a butt massage today, but only focused on one cheek...

It was very half-assed

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arteminxx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How would I describe the massage I had today?

Much kneaded.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The most expensive massage parlors make you feel the most energized

They charge you a lot

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ewormPL
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I hear some US states are considering reopening massage parlors. There's no happy ending in this scenario.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chxkh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not sure if I like my massage therapist.

She just rubs me the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When I'm really feeling stressed out, I massage auto parts to relax...

Sometimes, I just knead a brake.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my wife offered to give me a massage after I came home from work.

I was deeply touched.

πŸ‘︎ 185
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
This happened during my massage today

Massage Therapist: (Going over where is and isn't okay to massage) And where do you stand on your glutes?

Me: Well normally I sit on them but you're free to massage them.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kolin728
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Been thinking about starting a massage parlore that is also a bakery

Gonna name it Head, Shoulders, Kneeds, and Doughs

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
So I went to get a massage and I didn't really like the guy giving the massage,

I don't know I guess he just rubbed me the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Line6Guitarist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Totally_a_Banana
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a massage from a cow?

A moo-ssage

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tortellinipizza
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a massage therapist who hates women?

A massagynist

πŸ‘︎ 213
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chopandscrew
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
A chiropractor’s sign at an event reads β€˜free chair massage’.

β€œChair massages? I would’ve brought mine in if I knew ahead of time.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/farewell_sushi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I was about to try this new massage parlor that just opened but..

I figured I'd wait until they work out all the kinks.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/El_Jefe_Maximus
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
During my massage the therapist yanked my foot.

I couldn't tell if it was part of the massage or if she was just pulling my leg.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronburr1804
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does a meatball go to get a massage?

The Spa Ghetti

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanBiped
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Out of the blue, I decided to take my wife to a commercial establishment offering health and beauty treatment through such means as steam baths, exercise equipment, and massage

You could say the decision was pretty spa-radic

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Avasnay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Robert Kraft (owner of the New England Patriots) get a happy ending at a massage parlor in Florida???

To get his balls deflated.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twill2318
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women?

A massaginist.

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pad0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife was reading an article about baby massages

Me: Do you think they work?
Her: I'm not sure.
Me: I don't think their fingers are strong enough.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
🚨︎ report
There was some baby massage oil in the supermarket.

Impressive, I thought. I'm 25 and I don't know how to do a massage.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I like to sneak up behind women and give them massages

The ladies love it - they call me a massage-inist

-RIP Papa Franku

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ButSheLooked18Tho
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
If you think men are better than women at giving fortunetellers backrubs, that’s massage a mystic.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeramyguitar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife has been asking for massages...

My wife is pregnant and one of the big things to prepare for labor and birth is relaxation and massage. She's always saying "rub me, please", or "do you want to rub me?"

I'll always tell her "I do rub you, I rub you a rot."

πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LickItAndSpreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
🚨︎ report
The man wanted to hit the complaint button during his massage but it was just out of reach

He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but she really rubbed him the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
🚨︎ report
I got a massage today. I think the masseuse liked me.

She said I was super tight.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisKidsAlright
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
🚨︎ report
A friend bought me a massage.

The masseuse only worked on my front, so I didn't really enjoy it. I wish I could've given it back.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2017
🚨︎ report
First ever Thai massage

My buddy makes dad jokes all the time.

Check out this video he made

groan

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unclecatstain
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
🚨︎ report
My GF came back from a therapeutic massage.

She told me the masseuse was "shocked at how stiff it was". I told her I have that too sometimes.

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Evertak
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Was giving my wife a massage and drinking a beer

I told her she was getting a Rub and Chug... She promptly ended the massage.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoNotCool
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Teacher mentioned specialist who would massage one's aura in a lecture on holistic medicine...

..."I could really go for an aural massage right now" I said.

I didn't realize I'd spoken aloud until I felt everyone silently staring at me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djtossaway
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2017
🚨︎ report
Had this thought while getting a massage from a martial artist. livememe.com/g27iow1
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Matti_Matti_Matti
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2014
🚨︎ report
My buddy and his gf went grocery shopping after getting a thai massage

And they bought a bottle of sriracha sauce. My buddy saw the "made in thailand" thing on the bottle and said "I think the masseuse hypnotized me and made me buy a thai product". To which I replied with "I guess she gave you a subliminal massage".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ConfusedTapeworm
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2015
🚨︎ report
How does a massage therapist practice martial arts?

Full-contact spa-rring.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nirrith
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
🚨︎ report
The foot massage

Note: even though my great grandmother made this joke I feel it was dad-joke worthy.

While visiting my great grandmother (she's 96 yrs old during this time) recently she asked my dad for a foot massage, my dad happily obliged. She told him that he'd made her so proud in life to have a grandson like him and how wonderful he is while receiving the foot massage. My dad have the best massage he could muster for a good 30 minutes before he was too tired to continue. When my dad had finished massaging her feet he asked "how was that grandma?" Which she replied with "I haven't felt anything in my feet in 10 years" then she burst out laughing to the best that her health would allow. She passed away a few weeks later, she always played jokes on us even to her last days. Thanks for reading.

Rest in peace great grandma

TL:DR grandma needs new legs.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ieatyouretrash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Why did the massage therapist have no friends?

She rubbed people the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hiking907
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Got fired from the massage parlor.

I rubbed one of my clients up the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My massage therapist got fired ...

I guess she rubbed too many people the wrong way

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my wife offered to give me a full body massage.

I was deeply touched.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I don't know why, but I don't really like my new massage therapist.

I guess she just rubs me the wrong way.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/camly75
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.