I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...
...I’m just after my money.
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
I'm considering marrying a high earning ceo who doesn't want children, but I'm sad about the prospect of giving up my scuba diving hobby.
It's illegal to DINK and dive.
What did kim Kardashian say when marrying coca cola?
At first I thought it was great marrying an archeologist...
But then I found out she was a gold digger and my life is in ruins!
Princess potato was disowned by the king and queen for marrying Tom Brokaw.
They couldn’t stand that she’d married a commentator
What did Jay-z call his girlfriend before marrying her?
My son said he is marrying his girlfriend, who is a tailor.
Why do bakers avoid marrying each other?
Because they get too in-bread.
My Fiancé topped a dad joke with a worse dad joke. AKA. why I am marrying her.
I was in a restaurant yesterday with my Fiancé reading her dad jokes from r/dadjokes off my phone when she completely one up'd me and made me laugh uncontrollably in the restaurant. I was reading her the joke below.
"Dad: What's the capital of Alaska? Me: Juneau. Dad: No, I don't. That's why I'm asking you."-http://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/1uye0i/whats_the_capital_of_alaska/
When I asked her the joke it went a bit something like this.
"
ME: What's the capital of Alaska?
HER: A?
ME: LAUGHING HARD I love you so much..
"
Whenever we have children they are going to get it from both sides. They are so screwed.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
The Invisible Man and The Invisible Woman got married.
Their kids aren’t anything to look at.
I know a Vietnamese couple who got married and decided to both hyphenate their last names
It was a Nguyen-Nguyen scenario
My dad just told me this one: Two WiFi engineer friends of mine just got married.
The wedding was ok, but the reception was fantastic!
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The ceremony wasn’t bad, but the reception was fantastic!
If you’re getting married consider the following...
...on one hand, you wear a super cool ring, on the other hand, you don’t
Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"
Where do rabbits go after they get married?
Finally got married to the woman of my dreams from Czechoslovakia.
After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........
Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"
Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."
Judge: "ok.... then? "
Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."
Judge: "what?"
Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"
Why do melons have to wait so long to get married?
what did JayZ call his wife before they were married?
My dad always told me, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
She knows how to make a bad decision and still stick with it.
What did the Master Chief say when he discovered that he married a Harry Potter fan?
I married a pen a few years ago
It's a mistake I cant erase
Who married the state of Mississippi?
Two melons decide they want to get married. One suggests they do it in Vegas...
The other says "I'm sorry my mother always said, 'You cantaloupe.'"
If Courtney Love Married Courtney Cox, they would become a Lesbian couple both named Courtney Love-Cox
Why can't melons get married in secret?
One fruit asked another fruit to get married in secret
The other fruit responded: “I’m sorry, I cantaloupe.”
Iron man is getting married
His welding is tomorrow and it’s with a fe-male. Apparently he was steel a bachelor and Tonys Spark led to an impromptu proposal and welding.
When a girl gets married...
Was on a Skype call with my best friend and her cat. Midway, the cat just got up and left to which my friend exclaimed "Le chat just left the chat". Marry this person.
I've got a friend who is an owl, and the other day he told me he's getting married....
So I said, you twit to who?
If Mark Wahlberg married into the old French aristocracy...
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
What do you call the poo of a fish whose parents aren’t married
Did you know who Beyoncé was, before she married Jay Z?
I once saw two guns get married.
It was a shotgun wedding.
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much..
But the reception was incredible!
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her dad some questions...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
As soon as you find someone who has 10,000 bees, marry him or her.
That’s how you know he or she is a keeper.
A queen went travelling to a foreign land. She asked her two ladies in waiting to clean for each other while she was gone, so they wouldn't be out of practice when she got back. When she returned, the two had fallen in love and gotten married.
They were maid for each other.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
Remember the good old days, before the pandemic? It used to be you could meet new people, maybe even fall in love and get married.
Now I’m just dating myself
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.
My grandparents have been married for 65 years
Grandpa said he's ready to retire from it.
What did the watermelon say to his son, when he wanted to run off and get married to a honeydew?
I married the prince...
I went online and saw that a nigerian princess wanted to send me millions of dollars. However, I had to send $100 for handling fees on the check. However, I wanted confirmation. So I had her send me a picture. She did. Now, a princess needs a prince right? So I went online and found a picture of an eligible bachelor prince. Some guy from Jordan. I then took the two images, placed them side by side, and had some photoshopped ceremonial garb.
In otherwords, I married the prints. Of course, I took pictures of the happy event and sent them to the "princess" with the caption "I already married the prints." The scammer didn't reply unfortunately.
My cousin Elle got married to Menno Peters; so now I call them the alphabet couple...
...
Elle & Menno P.
...
If they ever have kids, I'm lobbying hard for Jake and Kay.
I became a millionaire when I got married...
Before that, I was a multi-millionaire.
This morning I asked my wife like a reporter, "The world wants to know, what it's like being married to the funniest man alive?"
She said, "Meh."
So I immediately said, "You heard it here, folks, it's a meh zing."
I got kicked out of school for getting married.
I was going for my bachelor’s degree.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before he got married?
What do you call a melon that never got married?
What musical group do men join once they get married?
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What do you give to a potato chip that you want to marry?
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
I married my home for security reasons
I was once told that old married women have a bushy appendage attached to their lower back
But apparently it was just an old wives tale
If Kim Jong Un married a Puerto Rican girl, his heirs would be called
So I wanted to marry a muskmelon against my family's will
Unfortunately I cantaloupe
Joe Exotic persuaded two straight men to marry him
Want to find out how?
You do the Meth!
What did the shark say before getting married?
Yes I do, do do do do do do!
I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…
But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money...
I've decided to marry a pencil
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
Why do melons have to get married in a church?
Why can't Melons secretly get married?
Why did the melons get married in a church instead of Vegas?
Why couldn't the melons marry?
Why do melons always get married in a church?
Because they can’t elope.
Why can't these melons get married?
Can melons get married?
Well of course, but they Cantaloupe.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman...
The kids weren't much to look at!
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
Why can't a melon get married?
What type of fruit is not allowed to get married?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The ceremony was okay, but the reception was great.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
In case you’re thinking about getting married, consider this carefully—-on the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t.
My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Two satelites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't much but the reception was incredible
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