Just found out im still a part of the catholic church even though ive been an atheist for years...

...guess you could call me a serial sinner

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laferrarik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
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What do you call an advertisement for the Catholic Church?

Mass Marketing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/McDudles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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The Catholic Church announced it is creating an MMO

Massively Multiprayer Online

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wofguy3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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How do members of the Catholic Church pay each other?

They use papal transactions

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πŸ‘€︎ u/338geek
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Why don’t catholic priest talk about molestation in the church?

It’s a touchy subject.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dose172
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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(X post) An artillery captain was made a saint by the Catholic Church.

One could say he was cannonized,

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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How do the sisters feel about the latest sex scandal in the Catholic Church?

They're nun too pleased.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BiffMayhem
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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What would you call the leader of the Catholic Church if he lived in the arctic?

A popesicle!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/illegalmemes603
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
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According to the catholic church, Popeye has blessed sight.

He has Pope eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gargolito
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2017
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What do you call an orange that is also the leader of the Catholic Church?

The Pulp

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aryansupe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2017
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How does the head of the Catholic Church pay for goods online?

His papal account

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bryan84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2017
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The Catholic church is considering going all-in on gluten-free wafers..

At risk is cross-contamination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/random_feedback
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
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Did you know...

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic churches than casinos? Not surprisingly, many Sunday worshippers will give casino chips instead of cash when the offering plate is passed around. Since the churches get chips from so many different casinos, they have devised a way to collect the offerings. They send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
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If my son became a priest.........

Would I call him "Father"?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mightypaper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2017
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What do laser guns and churches have in common?

Pew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue__Wind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2015
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Why are churches so heavy?

They have a lot of mass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chelseadaggered
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2016
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My dads friend today. If the pope isn't a Prophet...

Then the Catholic Church must be a non-profit organization!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agravon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2014
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A friend told me this one today

Some monks set up a cart and began selling flowers for funerals in front of an Irish Catholic church. The bishop was displeased as selling funeral arrangements was a source of revenue for the church so he hired his very large friend Hugh McWIlliams to chase them away. For weeks Hugh stood guard and the monks didn't return until the bishop decided that the matter was resolved and relieved Hugh of his duty. The very next day the monks returned with their cart of flowers and it was at this point the bishop realized: only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odhrain
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2013
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So a man sees his pastor at a liquor store on Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest is the pastor of. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying a 5th of Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old catholic secret that Jagermeister helps ease constipation, which one of the nuns has.

So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway back to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, tipping the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it all the way back as he drinks it.

He pulls up in his car and asks, "I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation!?"

The priest grunted, "It is! She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this!"

I'm posting this, my grandfather's joke, in honor of him passing a few months ago.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_from_detroit
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
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Dad Dropped This One Last Night

My mom owns a store where she does flower arrangements and cakes in a small town where everyone gets married in the same Catholic church. We were sitting around when she informed us that a cousin asked her about being her wedding planner.

Mom: "Honestly, I wouldn't mind doing it. I'm tired of seeing people mess up the ceremonies because no one knows where to go."

Dad: "Sounds like mass confusion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enjay1984
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
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An artillery captain was made a saint in the Catholic Church.

One could say he was cannonized.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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The churches in Las Vegas

Did You Know…

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed In.

This is done by the chip monks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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My dad dadjoked me on FB (longish)

His post, which I took at face value until the DJ:

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crayish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

(got this from my dad, in a chain email no less.)

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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