They were movers and Shakers.
... so they can beat the crowds!
Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)
Block Lives Matter!
But I'm afraid I wouldn't have the lung capacity
The police are expecting hundreds and thousands
Apparently... They have nothing to go on at this time
they deemed it an act of Violets.
Because they are in sects.
I went bananas.
They charged one, and lit the other off.
This doesn't reflect well on the protestors
I suppose you could say the owners had a minor minor miner problem.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
That took a lot of balls.
I wont be getting my hair cut until they're lifted!
Next wave of enforcement will be Apricops
It really is a riot.
Did you hear about the Geese protesting at the park? They want gluten free bread.
They organized a shit-in.
He didn't see it coming
But soon, the resistance died out.
Law and odor
It was a grassroots movement.
It would be a riot!
A local news organization reported on a group of protesters outside a beauty supply store. When asked what they were protesting, one of the people replied, "For too long has this store peddled fake products! We demand they stop selling shampoo and start selling real poo."
You could say that he is relished among the cooking community, and truly a seasoned veteran
Dante’s in fur now.
Billy: A fireman!
Suzie: An accountant!
Jackie: A prostitute!
Jackie: A prostitute.
Nun: Praise the Lord! I thought you said protestant.
Dante’s in fur now.
Because they have no rights.
Dante’s in fur now.
... I guess you could say these protests are changing the landscape.
Because they like to beat the crowd.
They don't have enough lung capacity
I’m pretty vein about it
I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."
There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.
It was a real rye-ot.
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
It's the naked truth.
You might say that they are doing it with... Class.
It was a anti-climb antic.
I just don't know how to show it
Would I call him "Father"?
He shows up wearing an Ottawa Senators jersey, so the judge asks "Are you a Sens fan?" The boy nods his head.
During the custody battle, he is later asked if he wants to live with his mom. His reply is "No, she beats me when drunk."
The judge asks in shock, "Okay, what about your father?"
The boy replies, "But he beats me every day when he comes home from a bad work day!"
With no other options, the jude states "We will have to send you to a foster home." The boy protests.
"Well, who do you want to live with?" the judge asks.
The boy thinks a moment and says ,"The Ottawa Senators. They're nice to people in need, and they don't beat anybody."
to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.
The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.
Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down... keep reading on reddit ➡
I interrupted him and said “I already read it before”
He said, ” Do you mean, You’ve been on reddit before?”
I replied, “No I mean I’ve read it before.”
My friend said, “ Dude with that grammar I doubt you’ve read anything before.”
I protested, “ Hey, I’ve read IT”
They were protesting.
I didn't make a Peep.
Sorry, the door's locked.
Edit 1: 86 upvotes - by far the most I've ever had. Either this was just super clever or I need to post more.
Maybe we should invest in some amateur testers.
They heard they have a lot of WHITE POWdER
Octopi Wall Street
The strike will have enormous repercussions
I'll be sitting in the passenger seat. Perhaps on my phone. My dad will point out to the street and say 'Hey'. Naturally this gets my attention. I usually respond with 'What?' He wont answer. I'll look over and he'll be pointing at a Truck transporting a large number of bales of hay. I look at him. Smuggest look of satisfaction on his face.
Edit: I can't spell. I'm like a clam Edit 2:http://i.imgur.com/mTme2Jo.jpg
My dad says this all the time. Still never gets old. We live in Illinois so this is like our state motto.
Protesters surrounded the building shouting: "Re-member the Al who mowed!"
I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.
My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.
Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tende... keep reading on reddit ➡
So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me.
My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over..
My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it..... she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit... she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time..
"So you're a Protestant."
Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is... keep reading on reddit ➡
I laughed my ass off at this roadside protester. He camped out all night hoping to prevent the completion of certain roadways. Well, yesterday, the dumbass died of a heart attack. His doctor warned him weeks ago, but the stupid guy didn't want a bypass.
I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]
Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, “A pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.
Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, “It is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: “A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob... keep reading on reddit ➡
is hopping around on one foot and saying it's broken. It's not (as she was running around all day yesterday). She asks if we have crutches to which I reply, "No, but you can get around the house by wriggling across the carpet."
She's protesting, so I ask her, "Well, you DO like Harry Potter don't you?" She says, "Yes," failing to see what Harry Potter had to do with a tender ankle.
"Well," I explain "Just pretend you're at Hogwarts, but instead of being in Gryffindor you'll be in House Slytherin."
His response: Why? Was it an act of protest?
Him: Were you protesting against a Tea-Towelitarian government?
I've never been prouder to be his son
I made a dad joke the other day, probably not an original but I came up with it on the spot and I am proud enough that I felt the internet had to know!
Setting: a backpacker hostel in New Zealand. A couple are talking about a time when some farmers set sheep loose in the Louvre in France as a protest.
The set up: the girl says 'and a pony walked into a police station on its own once too'
To which I turned around and replied: 'I heard about that, he was trying to report a crime but couldn't get his point across because he was a little hoarse'
Which resulted in a blank stare from the French girl and uproarous laughter followed by a somber head shake from the Scottish guy.
Putting that one in the bank for when I have kids.
Dante’s in fur now.