It’s Nationwide now
Son: "Dad? Can you make me a burger?"
Dad: "Sure! (waives tongs like a magic wand) POOF! You're a burger!"
(Dad laughing hysterically. Son rolls eyes)
Worker 1: Hey, you better watch out, I can't be trusted.
Worker 2: Why's that?
Worker 1: Because I'm desserting everyone!
My cousin asked me how to calm down the fire. Without missing a beat, I turned to the grill and yelled "Simmer down, you!"
Mom - I wouldn’t. Man puns are lame.
Growing up in Sydney there was a 'Baby Health Centre' across the street. My dad was an older guy so had the typical 'old man pun' sense of humour. Around Christmas one year I was walking by with my dad and he goes 'Hey. Where do baby elves go when they're sick? To the baby ELF centre!' Face palm.
So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...
Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.
A sighborg.
Attire
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
You can hide, but you can’t run.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
"... and one for the road."
then a table, and a chair
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
“Sir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies “Oh, that’s a freebie”
After reading it, the authorities all agreed that it was a killer joke.
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
How dairy
A lunar-tic.
But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.
(credit: Groucho Marx)
He's married.
Restaurant in piece
Because he couldn’t see that well
Unless you Count Dracula.
Sorry, wrong bathroom.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
"Don't look! I'm dressing!"
Surgeons revealed he is now 'fully recovered'.
I can't really see what's so funny about it.
I thought "How dairy!"
i guess you could say i felon love
....just to watch him dye.
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
https://preview.redd.it/j76nrzf958361.jpg?width=720&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6c4ffb6c82ccd3b97a8951c876959f72615bbcd9
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
If you give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for his lifetime.
I was speechless.
The crime was considered a coffee mug.
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
To get to the second hand store.
The executioner left him hanging.
Don´t worry, he´s alright now
It never does anything right.
You can hide but you can’t run
Because he couldn’t see that well
Because he couldn't see that well!
