It’s Nationwide now
Son: "Dad? Can you make me a burger?"
Dad: "Sure! (waives tongs like a magic wand) POOF! You're a burger!"
(Dad laughing hysterically. Son rolls eyes)
Worker 1: Hey, you better watch out, I can't be trusted.
Worker 2: Why's that?
Worker 1: Because I'm desserting everyone!
My cousin asked me how to calm down the fire. Without missing a beat, I turned to the grill and yelled "Simmer down, you!"
Mom - I wouldn’t. Man puns are lame.
Growing up in Sydney there was a 'Baby Health Centre' across the street. My dad was an older guy so had the typical 'old man pun' sense of humour. Around Christmas one year I was walking by with my dad and he goes 'Hey. Where do baby elves go when they're sick? To the baby ELF centre!' Face palm.
So I was talking with a friend and said a really bad pun. After a sigh and a head shake he said "Man puns are terrible" , to which I followed up, puns are not terrible unless you write them down on paper (because the become "tearable")...
Took him a second to get it, but I was proud.
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
Because he couldn't see that well
Yeah he's all right now
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
He's currently in the ICU.
And then a table... And then a chair...
is killing a friend homiecide
How dairy
How do you breathe through that little thing?
I gave him a glass of water.
"Do you sell flop flops?"
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
Gay. Very gay
It was a small price toupee.
He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”
Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!
He said, “Uno, dos....” Then disappeared without a tres.
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
...so to stall, he asked the doctor if he preferred to start with the left testicle or the right, to which the doctor replied, I don’t think there’s a vas deferens.
Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.
People must be stuck in it
He’s listed in serious but stable condition.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
It's not hard.
They're going to be alloys.
Then he sat down with his hammer and saw.
It was a shitshow.
To get Heinzsight.
He never got to finish his sentence
Poor guy didn’t come anywhere.
But it was a load of rubbish.
Well at least they took a stab at it.
He's the pitcher.
It was whisky business.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."
He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a man sitting on the porch.
The garbage man called out ‘Hey! Where’s ‘ya bin?’
The guy replies ‘I’ve been in Florida’
The garbage man says ‘No, no. I meant where’s your wheely bin?’
The guys says ‘I’ve really been in jail but I tell everyone I’ve been in Florida’.
It's not hard
