Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
Someone just robbed the local wig store
The police are combing the area
They started a poetry class at the local prison...
But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons
Our local Lego Store finally reopened after lockdown.
People were lined up for blocks.
Found at my local Trader Joe’s.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
I just called my local game stop
At the local donation center, only one guy donated anything, and it was a box of poop!
But hey, at least he gave a shit.
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
I went to my local all you can eat buffet...
And there was this girl that was only choosing vegetables?
I thought, i never seen herbivore.
A man was poisoned after eating an appetizer at a local restaurant.
Police are investigating a possible hummus side.
The local police station has had its toilet stolen
Officers have nothing to go on.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
A local contractor hired a pasta chef to redo the interior of a doctor’s office that studies antibiotics.
The inside looks great! They have a penne ceiling.
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
The weirdest summer job I had was cleaning monkey cages at our local zoo.
My local clothing store has an area set aside to try on clothes that is perfectly placed in the store...
I went to my local Gym to learn to do the splits...
Gym instructor said: 'How flexible are you?'
Me: 'I can't make Tuesdays'
A local Ice-cream vendor was found dead in his van surrounded by sprinkles...
Police said he'd topped himself
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
A local cake factory was just robbed
They took a huge slice of the profits
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
There is a sign outside my local library that says 'Watch for Cars'
When the local carpenter was asked what it was like when he fell through a window?
He said,” All I felt was pane.”
My local pastor is a keen motor cyclist...
He's just bought himself a Holy Davidson.
Ad in local paper : 'Wanted Barber's assistant'
I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra! But I quit because . . .
It was just one ting after another.
I told my local garbage man how much I appreciate him.
I said I would be a mess without him.
Police were called to the local grocery store today
A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.
The woman in charge of our local primary school has decided to resign.
She wants to quit while she's a head.
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:
"Here's your Nickleback."
So I went to my local astrology group and was asked to take roll call. And wouldn’t you know it?
All the signs were there.
Someone asked if there is a local chess club?
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder
Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.
"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."
"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."
The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
Our local priest rides around our town on a motorbike all day.
There was a robbery at the local Apple store today.
Its ok though, they caught the guy, there was an iWitness.
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
I keep complementing my local gas station when training my dog.
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
I went to the local petrol station
There was nothing coming out of the nozzle. I walked to the kiosk and i said, have you got your pumps on?
He said, no, I'm wearing flip-flops
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
A famous local cauliflower died last night.
People are expecting a big turnip at the funeral.
Saw a bunch of guys in the local department store, shouting “f#ck”, “b#ll&cks”, “w#nker”!
Then realised I was in the menswear section.
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
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