The local police station has had its toilet stolen
Officers have nothing to go on.
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
Police were called to the local grocery store today
A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
The woman in charge of our local primary school has decided to resign.
She wants to quit while she's a head.
I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra! But I quit because . . .
It was just one ting after another.
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:
"Here's your Nickleback."
I went to the local petrol station
There was nothing coming out of the nozzle. I walked to the kiosk and i said, have you got your pumps on?
He said, no, I'm wearing flip-flops
There was a robbery at the local Apple store today.
Its ok though, they caught the guy, there was an iWitness.
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
Saw a bunch of guys in the local department store, shouting “f#ck”, “b#ll&cks”, “w#nker”!
Then realised I was in the menswear section.
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
Saw a kidnapping at the local park this morning
He must’ve been knackered, even his mum couldn’t wake him up
Why did the couple cancel their dinner plans at the local Indian restaurant?
They agreed it was a naan-starter
I invited the local farmer and his horse to my son's birthday party
They quickly became the centaur of attention
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.
Son: “Dad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”
Did you hear about the sea captain that went in for a hat fitting at the local haberdashery during rough seas?
I may have been kicked out of my local watch shop for throwing the merchandise around, but I can confirm...
Time does fly when you’re having fun!
The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.
His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
The Pun Explosion on this Ad at the local Wine Store
I showed this woman all the F-150s at my local dealership, and she instantly wanted me.
I guess she was really into pickup lines.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Our local cricket club applied to the council for a grant.
A man, cursed by a wicked genie, goes to the local prophet for help.
The prophet hands him a six sided piece of paper. Confused, the man asks how it's supposed to help him. "Simple," the prophet says, "it's a hex a gon."
There was a huge explosion at the local cheese factory
Da brie was all over the place
I can’t stand the local livestock thief...
...he really gets my goat.
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station!
They’re looking for the culprits, but they have nothing to go on.
The taylor at the local men's clothing shop kept trying to help me find wedding attire despite my wishes. He finally gave up and said
Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound
One of the local radio stations had a "Worst Pun" contest.
The best part was you could submit multiple entries, and I sent in a bunch, at least 10. I figured the more I came up with, one of them had to win.
But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
I've just seen a queue at the local graveyard..
For some reason, people are dying to get in there
I can't wait until the pandemic is over, and I can see the pun-based show my local theater troupe has been rehearsing.
Everyone seems to hate the local paleontologist...
I guess it must be because they always have a bone to pick with someone!
The waiter at our local Indian restaurant asked if I wanted bread before the meal.
“That’s a naan-starter” I told him.
I was thrown out of the local park for arranging the squirrels by height...
Apparently they just can’t take a little critter-sizing!
Our local HS music dept was in the news
The local news had a story on wildebeests coming to a screeching halt...
Why was the local fly population afraid of the secretive snake charmer?
I quit my job as the Pro at the local Miniature Golf course...
... I found the work oft-putting.
I just got done performing at the local correctional facility
It was a captive audience
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....
They didn’t like me critter sizing.
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