Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
The local police station has had its toilet stolen
Officers have nothing to go on.
A local Ice-cream vendor was found dead in his van surrounded by sprinkles...
Police said he'd topped himself
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
When the local carpenter was asked what it was like when he fell through a window?
He said,” All I felt was pane.”
There is a sign outside my local library that says 'Watch for Cars'
A local cake factory was just robbed
They took a huge slice of the profits
My local pastor is a keen motor cyclist...
He's just bought himself a Holy Davidson.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Ad in local paper : 'Wanted Barber's assistant'
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
So I went to my local astrology group and was asked to take roll call. And wouldn’t you know it?
All the signs were there.
I told my local garbage man how much I appreciate him.
I said I would be a mess without him.
Police were called to the local grocery store today
A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.
I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra! But I quit because . . .
It was just one ting after another.
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:
"Here's your Nickleback."
The woman in charge of our local primary school has decided to resign.
She wants to quit while she's a head.
Our local priest rides around our town on a motorbike all day.
Called my local restaurant for reservation. Hey are you guys open for reservations? They replied four to nine today
Looks like they are too busy today
Someone asked if there is a local chess club?
I keep complementing my local gas station when training my dog.
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder
Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.
"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."
"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."
The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
There was a robbery at the local Apple store today.
Its ok though, they caught the guy, there was an iWitness.
I went to the local petrol station
There was nothing coming out of the nozzle. I walked to the kiosk and i said, have you got your pumps on?
He said, no, I'm wearing flip-flops
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
A famous local cauliflower died last night.
People are expecting a big turnip at the funeral.
Saw a bunch of guys in the local department store, shouting “f#ck”, “b#ll&cks”, “w#nker”!
Then realised I was in the menswear section.
Saw a kidnapping at the local park this morning
He must’ve been knackered, even his mum couldn’t wake him up
Local TV weatherman breaks all of his limbs but insists on coming in to work...
...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.
Why did the couple cancel their dinner plans at the local Indian restaurant?
They agreed it was a naan-starter
I invited the local farmer and his horse to my son's birthday party
They quickly became the centaur of attention
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.
Son: “Dad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”
I donated to a local clinic.
Did you hear about the sea captain that went in for a hat fitting at the local haberdashery during rough seas?
I may have been kicked out of my local watch shop for throwing the merchandise around, but I can confirm...
Time does fly when you’re having fun!
I asked my local locksmith why he's still open during these crazy times. Turns out he's a key worker.
So is the piano shop owner next door.
The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.
His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.
My bff and I want to go to a local art exhibit. Terrible art puns ensue
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
The Pun Explosion on this Ad at the local Wine Store
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
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