I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder
Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.
"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."
"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."
The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Saw a bunch of guys in the local department store, shouting “f#ck”, “b#ll&cks”, “w#nker”!
Then realised I was in the menswear section.
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
A famous local cauliflower died last night.
People are expecting a big turnip at the funeral.
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
I may have been kicked out of my local watch shop for throwing the merchandise around, but I can confirm...
Time does fly when you’re having fun!
Had a large keyboard instrument with pipes that I gave for free to my local church.
Always proud to be an organ donor.
My bff and I want to go to a local art exhibit. Terrible art puns ensue
The Pun Explosion on this Ad at the local Wine Store
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
A man, cursed by a wicked genie, goes to the local prophet for help.
The prophet hands him a six sided piece of paper. Confused, the man asks how it's supposed to help him. "Simple," the prophet says, "it's a hex a gon."
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
I recently had a fellow knocking door to door asking for donations for our local pool...
I was happy to give him a full glass of water to help!
What happens when your local pastor smokes a blunt?
I can’t stand the local livestock thief...
...he really gets my goat.
I tried to schedule a time to go into my local library
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks
But there were no strings attached.
There was a huge explosion at the local cheese factory
Da brie was all over the place
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station!
They’re looking for the culprits, but they have nothing to go on.
A local funk band decided to keep their horn section of cow ghosts, despite them spooking the other members from behind.
Because a herd in the band is worth a boo in the tush.
The taylor at the local men's clothing shop kept trying to help me find wedding attire despite my wishes. He finally gave up and said
Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound
My local bakery has a martial arts promotion going on
They allow you to take-one-dough.
A local man was arrested for attacking his neighbor with a taser that didn't work.
He was charged with assault without battery.
One of the local radio stations had a "Worst Pun" contest.
The best part was you could submit multiple entries, and I sent in a bunch, at least 10. I figured the more I came up with, one of them had to win.
But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I've just seen a queue at the local graveyard..
For some reason, people are dying to get in there
My local paper has done amazing work in exposing corruption in our local chicken farms.
They deserve a pullet-zer prize.
Everyone seems to hate the local paleontologist...
I guess it must be because they always have a bone to pick with someone!
I can't wait until the pandemic is over, and I can see the pun-based show my local theater troupe has been rehearsing.
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
My local safari park is trying to pass off common Caribou as African Wildebeest...
Why was the local fly population afraid of the secretive snake charmer?
I was thrown out of the local park for arranging the squirrels by height...
Apparently they just can’t take a little critter-sizing!
My local council has managed to legislate a ban on all headgear
Hats off to them for getting that passed
The local news had a story on wildebeests coming to a screeching halt...
A local circus caught fire today
I just got done performing at the local correctional facility
It was a captive audience
The waiter at our local Indian restaurant asked if I wanted bread before the meal.
“That’s a naan-starter” I told him.
Our local HS music dept was in the news
A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the local nudist colony
Authorities are looking into it
Our local flying school is trialling a new programme to teach blind people how to fly.
My local Vietnamese restaurant
I quit my job as the Pro at the local Miniature Golf course...
... I found the work oft-putting.
Local police caught two men drinking battery acid and eating fireworks
They charged one and let the other one off.
My local paper said the police arrested the energizer bunny
It said they charged him with battery
My family has been getting stir crazy. So we decided to take our son to the local zoo. Problem is, it’s a small zoo. They only have one animal. It’s a dog.
My local pub has put a dartboard on the ceiling
Makes me want to throw up!
My local furniture store keeps calling me but...
All I wanted was one night stand
I bought a dog from my local blacksmith
When I got it home it made a bolt for the door
A guy just went crazy at my local dumpling house and destroyed the place.
He's been charged with wonton destruction.
My local karaoke bar has just banned all Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Bing Crosby songs …
to prevent the spread of the crooner virus.
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
Our local undertaker is Egyptian.
His motto is satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back.
Our local florist recently expanded to take in the shop space next door.
Business must really be blooming.
Apparently a bunch of comedians are making their own beer at the local pub.
I don't know, sounds like a big brewhaha to me.
The local dragon regularly poops hundreds of pounds of ore directly into the sea.
It's a gross waste of resources.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My local oriental takeaway got closed down because they found canine meat.
Shame I thought it was the dogs bollocks.
A local restaurant launders money for the mafia
They refused to sere me beef today. The waiter said something about a stakeout
Azad Khan, a chef in a local Indian restaurant, overstretched and fell headlong into a vat of hot curry. An ambulance was quickly at the scene and he was taken to hospital.
Fortunately he is alive but is still in a korma.
I really like our local computer repair technician
Every time my speakers don't work he gives me sound advice
i was reading Yelp reviews of local mortuaries
found one that was rated cad-average.
I got into a fight with an employee at my local hardware store today!
He asked if I wanted decking...
Lucky I got the first punch in
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
A local duck was interrogated by police for hours.
A spokesperson for the police said "Eventually he quacked under pressure".
I took my kids to Alaska to learn about the local culture
But they just weren't that Inuit.
Found this walking in a local area
The local paper ran a front page article about offering a large print edition to be more accessible.
Apparently it was big news.
I saw a duck at my local rehab center.
I asked and he said he’s there because he’s a recovering quack addict.
Some boy scouts came to our house today and asked for donations for a local community pool being built.
I went and got them a glass of water.
I sued my local pet shop for selling dogs for $10 apiece.
I wanted a dog that was all put together.
The local diner charges Hispanic men less than everyone else.
They call it the señor citizens’ discount.
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."
You know, a schwa sticker.
There's a discount to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin.
So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!
I needed to get my locks changed, but all the local locksmiths were closed...
I thought they were key workers?
Our local shoe factory burned down last night!
Thankfully there were no soles lost.
My local sports store had an overstock of boat paddles, so they decided to have a sale.
The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
My buddy, Evan, just got acquitted of all charges that he was imprinting his face in the foundation of a local housing project.
They couldn't find any concrete Evan dents.
The weatherman for our local TV channel broke both his arms and his legs in a car accident.
He is calling in from the hospital with his four casts.
Having surgery with local anesthesia is a SCARRING experience
I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.
“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.
He grunted in response, barely looking at me.
“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”
He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.
I took a fence.
Nice pun from the local barber shop
The local seniors care home rejected my offer to speak to residents about the advantages of being young in far-eastern countries...
apparently it is not "appropriate" to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia.
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....
They didn’t like me critter sizing.
Tried to schedule a date with my girlfriend at my local library
A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool...
So I gave him a glass of water...
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Last week I bought a dog from the local blacksmith
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
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