If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!
There's a small medium at large.
Someone just robbed the local wig store
The police are combing the area
They started a poetry class at the local prison...
But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
The local police station has had its toilet stolen
Officers have nothing to go on.
Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?
Luckily I got the first punch in.
At the local donation center, only one guy donated anything, and it was a box of poop!
But hey, at least he gave a shit.
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
A local contractor hired a pasta chef to redo the interior of a doctor’s office that studies antibiotics.
The inside looks great! They have a penne ceiling.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
The weirdest summer job I had was cleaning monkey cages at our local zoo.
I went to my local Gym to learn to do the splits...
Gym instructor said: 'How flexible are you?'
Me: 'I can't make Tuesdays'
My local clothing store has an area set aside to try on clothes that is perfectly placed in the store...
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
When the local carpenter was asked what it was like when he fell through a window?
He said,” All I felt was pane.”
I was asked to play the triangle in our local symphony orchestra! But I quit because . . .
It was just one ting after another.
Police were called to the local grocery store today
A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.
The woman in charge of our local primary school has decided to resign.
She wants to quit while she's a head.
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:
"Here's your Nickleback."
There was a robbery at the local Apple store today.
Its ok though, they caught the guy, there was an iWitness.
What happened when the ghost asked for a whiskey at his local bar?
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve spirits here."
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
I went to the local petrol station
There was nothing coming out of the nozzle. I walked to the kiosk and i said, have you got your pumps on?
He said, no, I'm wearing flip-flops
Saw a bunch of guys in the local department store, shouting “f#ck”, “b#ll&cks”, “w#nker”!
Then realised I was in the menswear section.
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
Saw a kidnapping at the local park this morning
He must’ve been knackered, even his mum couldn’t wake him up
Why did the couple cancel their dinner plans at the local Indian restaurant?
They agreed it was a naan-starter
I may have been kicked out of my local watch shop for throwing the merchandise around, but I can confirm...
Time does fly when you’re having fun!
I invited the local farmer and his horse to my son's birthday party
They quickly became the centaur of attention
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.
Son: “Dad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”
The Pun Explosion on this Ad at the local Wine Store
Did you hear about the sea captain that went in for a hat fitting at the local haberdashery during rough seas?
The local Blacksmith got a new dog. When he got him home he made a bolt for the door.
His other dog sat in the corner. It's a boxer.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
I showed this woman all the F-150s at my local dealership, and she instantly wanted me.
I guess she was really into pickup lines.
There was a huge explosion at the local cheese factory
Da brie was all over the place
Our local cricket club applied to the council for a grant.
I can’t stand the local livestock thief...
...he really gets my goat.
A man, cursed by a wicked genie, goes to the local prophet for help.
The prophet hands him a six sided piece of paper. Confused, the man asks how it's supposed to help him. "Simple," the prophet says, "it's a hex a gon."
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
The taylor at the local men's clothing shop kept trying to help me find wedding attire despite my wishes. He finally gave up and said
Someone stole all the toilets from the local police station!
They’re looking for the culprits, but they have nothing to go on.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....
They didn’t like me critter sizing.
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