The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever
They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...
Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
The Chef at our local Italian Restaurant has died...
He pasta away
We cannoli do so much to help
His legacy will become a pizza history
Here today, gone tomato
Sending olive our prayers to the family
His wife, cheese still not over it
No more penne tration for her
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Local brewery has some jokes
A termite walks into the local pub and asks,
"Is the bar *tender* here?"
Found this pun at my local Subway sandwich shop.
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.
But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Local pasta maker has hired me as a consultant but they can’t pay me!
We have an arrangement though. Penne for my thoughts.
I'm having trouble opening a savings account at my local bank without getting distracted
I've always had a lack of interest.
Our local fire station burnt down today.
Apparently, somebody left the irony on.
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company
every tube so far has been in mint condition
Someone just robbed the local wig store
The police are combing the area
There was an attempted shooting at the local library.
I had quite the contentious meeting with the local blacksmith
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!
There's a small medium at large.
Our local Five Guys lost some letters on their sign.
With the F and E out, I guess someone quit.
Don’t ever go to the local mountains and try to rent skis.
You can only get snowbored.
Our local Lego Store finally reopened after lockdown.
People were lined up for blocks.
They started a poetry class at the local prison...
But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons
Barack Obama at our local church making continual ‘Ding Dong’ noises.
I can see why he won the No peace Bell Prize
My local Waffle House has a new insurance plan.
They're now covered and smothered.
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.
As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats."
I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits."
HUH?
Because of all the hops they use!
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
Found at my local Trader Joe’s.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
I was considering visiting a local cidery this weekend...
I’m not sure but I’ll have to mull it over
The local police station has had its toilet stolen
Officers have nothing to go on.
I just called my local game stop
I went to my local all you can eat buffet...
And there was this girl that was only choosing vegetables?
I thought, i never seen herbivore.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
At the local donation center, only one guy donated anything, and it was a box of poop!
But hey, at least he gave a shit.
Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?
Luckily I got the first punch in.
A man was poisoned after eating an appetizer at a local restaurant.
Police are investigating a possible hummus side.
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
A local contractor hired a pasta chef to redo the interior of a doctor’s office that studies antibiotics.
The inside looks great! They have a penne ceiling.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
A local Ice-cream vendor was found dead in his van surrounded by sprinkles...
Police said he'd topped himself
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn’t like my critter sizing.
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
The weirdest summer job I had was cleaning monkey cages at our local zoo.
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