The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved

He really raised the bar on that one

πŸ‘︎ 355
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever

They said no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karatebhoy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...

Don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albasolo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
The Chef at our local Italian Restaurant has died...

He pasta away

We cannoli do so much to help

His legacy will become a pizza history

Here today, gone tomato

Sending olive our prayers to the family

His wife, cheese still not over it

No more penne tration for her

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RushilPc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Local brewery has some jokes
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luzob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A termite walks into the local pub and asks,

"Is the bar *tender* here?"

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Found this pun at my local Subway sandwich shop.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnorlaxDaCat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.

But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Local pasta maker has hired me as a consultant but they can’t pay me!

We have an arrangement though. Penne for my thoughts.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PleaseBeSerious
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm having trouble opening a savings account at my local bank without getting distracted

I've always had a lack of interest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inedible-hulk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Our local fire station burnt down today.

Apparently, somebody left the irony on.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company

every tube so far has been in mint condition

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moredripthanafrog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone just robbed the local wig store

The police are combing the area

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
There was an attempted shooting at the local library.

Many people booked it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I had quite the contentious meeting with the local blacksmith

I had an axe to grind

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!

There's a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainNuge
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Our local Five Guys lost some letters on their sign.

With the F and E out, I guess someone quit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFister13F
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Don’t ever go to the local mountains and try to rent skis.

You can only get snowbored.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7reddituser
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Our local Lego Store finally reopened after lockdown.

People were lined up for blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
They started a poetry class at the local prison...

But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caddiss_jc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Barack Obama at our local church making continual β€˜Ding Dong’ noises.

I can see why he won the No peace Bell Prize

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My local Waffle House has a new insurance plan.

They're now covered and smothered.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdas1996
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.

As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats." I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits." HUH? Because of all the hops they use!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...

Because all the leaves are brown.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Found at my local Trader Joe’s.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karentorres__
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...

...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 163
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πŸ‘€︎ u/feltonpbeaver
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was considering visiting a local cidery this weekend...

I’m not sure but I’ll have to mull it over

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewtonsOrange
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
The local police station has had its toilet stolen

Officers have nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I just called my local game stop

They said "please hold"

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skifreeing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to my local all you can eat buffet...

And there was this girl that was only choosing vegetables?

I thought, i never seen herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant fly has attacked the local police...

Police have called SWAT team.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coffeeaficionado_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
At the local donation center, only one guy donated anything, and it was a box of poop!

But hey, at least he gave a shit.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MitchOnTheMic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?

Luckily I got the first punch in.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was poisoned after eating an appetizer at a local restaurant.

Police are investigating a possible hummus side.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.

Police say he may be following a pattern.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdarigan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A local contractor hired a pasta chef to redo the interior of a doctor’s office that studies antibiotics.

The inside looks great! They have a penne ceiling.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samwyzh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.

Police believe he topped himself.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigMF88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A local Ice-cream vendor was found dead in his van surrounded by sprinkles...

Police said he'd topped himself

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn’t like my critter sizing.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

πŸ‘︎ 163
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The weirdest summer job I had was cleaning monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report

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