A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Local barber in the area got arrested for selling drugs.
Blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.....
They didn’t like me critter sizing.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks
But there were no strings attached.
There was a huge explosion at the local cheese factory
Da brie was all over the place
A local funk band decided to keep their horn section of cow ghosts, despite them spooking the other members from behind.
Because a herd in the band is worth a boo in the tush.
A local man was arrested for attacking his neighbor with a taser that didn't work.
He was charged with assault without battery.
One of the local radio stations had a "Worst Pun" contest.
The best part was you could submit multiple entries, and I sent in a bunch, at least 10. I figured the more I came up with, one of them had to win.
But, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I've just seen a queue at the local graveyard..
For some reason, people are dying to get in there
My local paper has done amazing work in exposing corruption in our local chicken farms.
They deserve a pullet-zer prize.
Everyone seems to hate the local paleontologist...
I guess it must be because they always have a bone to pick with someone!
I can't wait until the pandemic is over, and I can see the pun-based show my local theater troupe has been rehearsing.
Why was the local fly population afraid of the secretive snake charmer?
My local safari park is trying to pass off common Caribou as African Wildebeest...
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
My local council has managed to legislate a ban on all headgear
Hats off to them for getting that passed
I was thrown out of the local park for arranging the squirrels by height...
Apparently they just can’t take a little critter-sizing!
The local news had a story on wildebeests coming to a screeching halt...
I just got done performing at the local correctional facility
It was a captive audience
A hole was discovered in the fence surrounding the local nudist colony
Authorities are looking into it
A local circus caught fire today
My local paper said the police arrested the energizer bunny
It said they charged him with battery
The waiter at our local Indian restaurant asked if I wanted bread before the meal.
“That’s a naan-starter” I told him.
My local pub has put a dartboard on the ceiling
Makes me want to throw up!
My family has been getting stir crazy. So we decided to take our son to the local zoo. Problem is, it’s a small zoo. They only have one animal. It’s a dog.
Local police caught two men drinking battery acid and eating fireworks
They charged one and let the other one off.
A guy just went crazy at my local dumpling house and destroyed the place.
He's been charged with wonton destruction.
Our local HS music dept was in the news
Our local flying school is trialling a new programme to teach blind people how to fly.
My local furniture store keeps calling me but...
All I wanted was one night stand
I quit my job as the Pro at the local Miniature Golf course...
... I found the work oft-putting.
I bought a dog from my local blacksmith
When I got it home it made a bolt for the door
My local karaoke bar has just banned all Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Bing Crosby songs …
to prevent the spread of the crooner virus.
My local Vietnamese restaurant
Tried to schedule a date with my girlfriend at my local library
Our local florist recently expanded to take in the shop space next door.
Business must really be blooming.
The local dragon regularly poops hundreds of pounds of ore directly into the sea.
It's a gross waste of resources.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Our local undertaker is Egyptian.
His motto is satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back.
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
Apparently a bunch of comedians are making their own beer at the local pub.
I don't know, sounds like a big brewhaha to me.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My local oriental takeaway got closed down because they found canine meat.
Shame I thought it was the dogs bollocks.
A local restaurant launders money for the mafia
They refused to sere me beef today. The waiter said something about a stakeout
A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool...
So I gave him a glass of water...
Azad Khan, a chef in a local Indian restaurant, overstretched and fell headlong into a vat of hot curry. An ambulance was quickly at the scene and he was taken to hospital.
Fortunately he is alive but is still in a korma.
i was reading Yelp reviews of local mortuaries
found one that was rated cad-average.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
I really like our local computer repair technician
Every time my speakers don't work he gives me sound advice
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
I took my kids to Alaska to learn about the local culture
But they just weren't that Inuit.
A local duck was interrogated by police for hours.
A spokesperson for the police said "Eventually he quacked under pressure".
I got into a fight with an employee at my local hardware store today!
He asked if I wanted decking...
Lucky I got the first punch in
The local paper ran a front page article about offering a large print edition to be more accessible.
Apparently it was big news.
I sued my local pet shop for selling dogs for $10 apiece.
I wanted a dog that was all put together.
Found this walking in a local area
I saw a duck at my local rehab center.
I asked and he said he’s there because he’s a recovering quack addict.
The local diner charges Hispanic men less than everyone else.
They call it the señor citizens’ discount.
Dad Tells Time With His Hat
My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.
He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.
And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.
My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.
When I joined the local Grammar Nazi Party, they gave me their logo to put on my car. It's an upside-down, lower-case "e."
You know, a schwa sticker.
Some boy scouts came to our house today and asked for donations for a local community pool being built.
I went and got them a glass of water.
There's a discount to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin.
So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!
My local sports store had an overstock of boat paddles, so they decided to have a sale.
My buddy, Evan, just got acquitted of all charges that he was imprinting his face in the foundation of a local housing project.
They couldn't find any concrete Evan dents.
I needed to get my locks changed, but all the local locksmiths were closed...
I thought they were key workers?
I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.
“Excuse me, could you help me?” I asked.
He grunted in response, barely looking at me.
“Um, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”
He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, “Do we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.
I took a fence.
The weatherman for our local TV channel broke both his arms and his legs in a car accident.
He is calling in from the hospital with his four casts.
Our local shoe factory burned down last night!
Thankfully there were no soles lost.
Having surgery with local anesthesia is a SCARRING experience
The local seniors care home rejected my offer to speak to residents about the advantages of being young in far-eastern countries...
apparently it is not "appropriate" to talk to residents about the benefits of youth in asia.
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
Nice pun from the local barber shop
The poor local barber was just barely squeaking by...
The local bar is called The Fiddle,
but I never drink there. It’s a vile inn.
The local newspaper just hired me as the sports editor.
My pen name is Jim Shortz.
A local man shows up to his local Starbucks for his daily cup of coffee.
“Grande macchiato with oat milk, please.”
The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked “Why are you wearing a surgical mask?”
“I’m not”, said the barista, “it’s a coughy filter”.
A blind man was hit with sign at my local protest
Guy walks into a local petshop and says...
"I'd like a wasp please". The owner stares at him and reples "We don't sell wasps", to which the customer reples "Yes you do, you've got one in the window".
The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
I was at the lake, and I had a really bad feeling about the dock.
Breaking News: Last night someone drilled a hole into the fence surrounding the local nudist colony.
Police are looking into it.
I always see this really buff sea doggo at my local gym...
A mysterious thief has stolen all the toilets from the local sheriff's office.
The police have nothing to go on.
I walked into the local pet shop the other day
I said how much for the wasp?
He said he didn't sell wasps
I said well there's one in your window
Sent my dad a nearby dive photo of sea lions in kelp & told him it made me officially excited to do local/non-tropical dives... his reply?
Well, that seals the deal!
It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
Last week I bought a dog from the local blacksmith
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Today a man came to my house and asked for a small donation towards a local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
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