Thanks, localization team
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
The local bartender moved his pub to the summit of a mountain and the quality of his drinks improved
He really raised the bar on that one
π︎ 352
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I went to the local video shop and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever
They said no, youβll have to bring it back tomorrow
π︎ 77
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Recently bought a pair of shoes from my local drug dealer...
Donβt know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day...
π︎ 183
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
Not to brag, but yesterday I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school Karate lessons came to some use.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
The strangest job I had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
The Chef at our local Italian Restaurant has died...
He pasta away
We cannoli do so much to help
His legacy will become a pizza history
Here today, gone tomato
Sending olive our prayers to the family
His wife, cheese still not over it
No more penne tration for her
π︎ 49
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
π︎ 84
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
There was a brawl at a local seafood restaurant.
There were battered fish everywhere.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Local brewery has some jokes
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
A termite walks into the local pub and asks,
"Is the bar *tender* here?"
π︎ 31
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants βWhy do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good olβ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!β He was surprisingly vocal...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
Found this pun at my local Subway sandwich shop.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Local pasta maker has hired me as a consultant but they canβt pay me!
We have an arrangement though. Penne for my thoughts.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.
But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
I'm having trouble opening a savings account at my local bank without getting distracted
I've always had a lack of interest.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
Our local fire station burnt down today.
Apparently, somebody left the irony on.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
If you have bee hive at your house, and you call a local bee keeper to take them away, the Bee keepers will thank you for the FreeBees.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Someone just robbed the local wig store
The police are combing the area
π︎ 80
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company
every tube so far has been in mint condition
π︎ 24
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
An infamous psychic dwarf has escaped from the local prison!
There's a small medium at large.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
There was an attempted shooting at the local library.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
I had quite the contentious meeting with the local blacksmith
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
Donβt ever go to the local mountains and try to rent skis.
You can only get snowbored.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
Our local Lego Store finally reopened after lockdown.
People were lined up for blocks.
π︎ 96
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
They started a poetry class at the local prison...
But I don't know how I feel about it... There are prose and cons
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
Barack Obama at our local church making continual βDing Dongβ noises.
I can see why he won the No peace Bell Prize
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
My local Waffle House has a new insurance plan.
They're now covered and smothered.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.
As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats."
I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits."
HUH?
Because of all the hops they use!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
Found at my local Trader Joeβs.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
Itβs a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and itβs a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
π︎ 162
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
π︎ 85
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
I was considering visiting a local cidery this weekend...
Iβm not sure but Iβll have to mull it over
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
The local police station has had its toilet stolen
Officers have nothing to go on.
π︎ 177
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
I just called my local game stop
π︎ 147
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
I went to my local all you can eat buffet...
And there was this girl that was only choosing vegetables?
I thought, i never seen herbivore.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
At the local donation center, only one guy donated anything, and it was a box of poop!
But hey, at least he gave a shit.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Was in my local gardening centre looking at outdoor floor boards when the owner asked me if I wanted decking?
Luckily I got the first punch in.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 25 2021
A man was poisoned after eating an appetizer at a local restaurant.
Police are investigating a possible hummus side.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
A local contractor hired a pasta chef to redo the interior of a doctorβs office that studies antibiotics.
The inside looks great! They have a penne ceiling.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
π︎ 165
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.