Last Day Puns

Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

Because it'll be sadder day.

Hindsight is 2020!

... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...

Audios

Well it’s a regular bike but it hasn’t moved in 364 days.

He said it was time to switch careers. But no matter what profession he chose or what career path he took.... he just couldn't cut it.

He’s outside now, looking forlorn…

Needless to say I was starving, as fate would have it a ripe piece fell down right at my feet. Startled I called out “well I guess it’s on the house!” To my amazement the stalk came to life and said “Nonsense! It’s on the cob!”

"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in a month or so.

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

He's on a roundhouse kick.

That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.

She's going to love these flowers!

The cemetery keeper has told people not to worry, he's just decomposing.

EDIT down-voting because you can't Handel this level of humor is a crime against humanity.

Ah! A truck!

He sent my mom and I this picture looking into his office. A parting joke well done.

https://imgur.com/gallery/Z92Ifjx

I can’t say.

Luckily said probably won't become a joke any time soon

My 8 year old just got so pissed off she threw my phone at me from across the car. Worth it!

I guess you can say it was Three Days Grace.

"Elementary, my dear watts son."

My grandpa was dying of cancer and he had severe bowel problems to which he needs nurse assistance to go #2. He hasn't gone for several days now and calls for help once again.

Nurse: "Ok let's try this again and if that doesn't work we'll try something else"

enter 7ft tall 300lb black man (2nd nurse)

Grandpa: "Oh so you're going to try to scare the shit out of me now"

He says "like everyone else, with my fingers"

I went out with a glaze of glory.

.. and it's a wrap !

(wow I made this one by myself and I'm not even a dad (I hope not at least))

In my business law class we were discussing this court case. In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks "Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing" to which our professor responded

"Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking... and driving."

I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room.

The missing hour just flu by!

go on, you know you want to party like its 2099

I was feeling quite kneady

I told him to get used to the new stratus quo.

No reaction.

Today,The kids were asked to put everything from their lockers into garbage sack before they could play basketball. Several "look how big my sack is/quit touching my sack" jokes followed. I said, "quit talking about your sacks, or you won't be able to play with the balls." Apparently dadjokes overlap with junior high jokes.

http://i.imgur.com/0ETJIwW.jpg

i went to a bar the other day and i was sitting drinking my drink and suddenly i hear "you are really good looking". I looked around couldnt see anyone talking to me. A few minutes later i heard the same thing again so i asked the bartender where the voice was coming from and he said "oh its the nuts, they're complimentary"

Today my dad sent me this email,

"Today is Leif Erikson day. I learned today that Leif Erikson had a son named Thorkell Leifsson. I'm guessing Leif's Dad was named Erick. So in true Scandinavian tradition, your last name should not be Christensen but Studson."

Well played dad...