I just killed a bunch of chickpeas...
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
Dad: No, it was with a knife
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed
It was a lovely service...
A man was killed on Thanksgiving
There suspected FOWL play
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...
all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.
If Jamie Lannister had killed Bran..
He would be a cereal killer
The cannibal living next to me caught and killed a clairvoyant...
He only put her in the oven for only half an hour though.
Apparently he likes his medium rare.
A thief broke into a guy's house, stole his stuff, killed the man, and turned him into a large cup…
I have killed so many vampires, but Dracula is proving hard fo catch
Finding where he is will enable the final count down
A man was killed with only a stick of deodorant
It was the first Degree murder
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
This morning I killed a huge spider with my shoe
I don’t care how big a spider is, Nobody steals my shoe!
A pun enters the room, ten people get killed.
The headline?
PUN IN: TEN DIED
Did you hear about the guy that got killed by a wheelbarrow?
Apparently, he was living on barrowed time.
Killed the bookmark joke today!
Wife: The kids moved my bookmark.
Me: all these years and you haven’t learned my name is Austin.
Wife stared at me blankly for a few moments and then went on with her day. Lol
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer
What did the man say to the bullet after it killed someone?
The Mafia killed a man in a rice field because of a dispute over a small trinket
It was a knick-knack paddy whack
What's the difference between being killed and being dead?
My neighbor got killed by a truck hauling cabbages
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...
... guess you could say he sleighed it
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering...
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it.
Yes, it was a Thyme plant.
(My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
What did the Germans say when Hitler killed himself?
The Pink Panther was counting the ants that he had killed.
Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead aaaaaant....
I recently found out that my spanish friend killed his cousin because he stole his train model.
Guess it is a pretty loco motive
How would you summarize : "A pun walked into a bar and killed ten jokes."
So if a group of crows killed another group of crows...
Would that be double homicide?
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist
Statistically, you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack.
I accidentally killed off my herb garden twice. As I replanted it yet again I thought to myself...
"Third thyme's a charm."
--
Based on a true story. Wife's eyeroll suggested this 100% belonged here.
A pun entered a bar and killed 10 people.
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
A man killed his lifelong friend
Hes now charged with homiecide
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Did you hear? Someone killed Optimus Prime
Judge ruled it a case of vehicular-man slaughter.
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
DAD: No, it was with a knife...
A pun walks into a bar and killed 10 people
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