To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What's green, has 4 legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Pun walks into a room with 10 people and kills them all.

Pun in, 10 dead.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/God_Slaya
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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How do you kill a BLUE elephant?

Shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun. How do you kill a PINK elephant? . . . . Hold it's nose until it turns blue then shoot it with a BLUE elephant gun.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Binksamus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...

I don't think anyone is shocked.

(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/christag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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What’s it called when you kill chickpeas?

Hummuside

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Travis-Tarbox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Sometimes John Wick likes to kill quietly.

He piano reaves.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neopera
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents?

One Buck.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Whats the last thing a serial killer hears before he kills his next victim

Snap crackle pop

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaClassyPancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Let's go kill time!

Daughter: Dad im gonna call 911.

Me: why?

Daughter: Youre going to Kill time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brokenbyher2019
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Just kill me lol
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrOliverYT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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(True story) My GF asked me to kill a spider in the bathroom today.

It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.

"How did you even see that?" I asked.

And she answered, "With my spider-sense."

I love this woman so, so much.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.

I responded: So they can send the swat team.

πŸ‘︎ 452
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OfficerBarbier
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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How do you call when a person kills his best friend?

A homiecide

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerbal40
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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What's it called when you kill a friend?

Homiecide

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drios40
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Why did Beethoven kill all of his chickens?

They were going, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

πŸ‘︎ 303
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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How do you "kill the lights"?

You hang them from the ceiling

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/McDimps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I went back in time to kill the person that made bread.

Now he yeasts to exist.

One I came up with myself

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/niiigggaaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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What’s yellow and kills you if you get it in the eyes?

A school bus

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HollacaustFiesta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?". She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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My friend said he wanted to bang his mom and kill his dad.

I told him that was some freudulent thinking.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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How do you kill a circus?

Go for the Juggler!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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What's the best way to kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CharmingTuber
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Just kill and don’t go vegan
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because they kept saying: Baaach Bach Bach Bach Bach baaaaach

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/X4tnt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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What do you call an assassin that only kills anime lovers?

A weeb wacker

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theunkillable
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Kill me
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawist__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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Pun kills ten
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdramanuj
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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What’s got two butts and kills people?

An assassin

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deedubya8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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Why did the socialist kill all the average workers at his factory?

He wanted to cease the means of production

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.

It was a giant missed stake.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jzerene
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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You know, it seems like every time I kill a gnat, another one appears.

So, I guess you could say they're appearing at the drop of a gnat.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Falloutchief101
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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If guns don't kill people, people kill people...

That means that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Kill Bill
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shu-chi-senpai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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I hate when spiders kill flies, they’re such buzz killers
πŸ‘︎ 217
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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What doesn’t kill you makes you.....
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tribelawn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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What is the name of the assassin that only kills candles?

John Wick

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthatbrownguy91
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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What's green and will kill you if it falls out of a tree

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckarooBanzii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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A pun walks into a bar and kills ten people.

Pun in. Ten dead.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree on you, it will kill you?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 262
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onetwopi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is a little painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats green has 6 legs and if it fell out of a tree on top of you it would kill you.

A snooker table!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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What’s big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls on you out of a tree?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaneKerman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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What’s big, white, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A fridge

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OttoTheGeezer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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What’s green, fuzzy, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree on to your head?

A pool table.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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