Little Johnny has diarrhoea and asks his mom, "Hey mom, do you have Viagra?" The mom goes, "What? What on Earth do you need that for?" "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M_Arslan_Tahir
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Little Johnny joke

Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says β€œthis is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says β€œwell maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying β€œI’m a light bulb” and the boss says β€œmaybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks β€œwhere do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies β€œyou expect me to work in the fucking dark?”

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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Little Johnny is in class on day

The teacher asks the class, β€œ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”

Johnny replies, β€œ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”

The teacher says, β€œ no three are left but I like the way you think.”

So then Johnny says, β€œ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”

The teacher says, β€œ the one sucking?”

Johnny says, β€œ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnorakBeta
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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Johnny Depp has lost his case against The Sun newspaper even with evidences

Hard to win if Amber is Heard and Johnny is not

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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We used to tease a kid named Johnny because he had glasses.

Once we took them from him , he started teasing us , because we now had glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Everisfunny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.

Ruth hits a tree.

Johnny decides to continue on.

Ruthlessly.

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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Teacher: β€œJohnny, can you spell weather?” Johnny: β€œW...E...V...V...A” ...

Teacher: β€œWell that is the worst spell of weather we’ve had in a while!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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Little Johnny was going door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said β€œMy yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

β€œAll finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

β€œNow little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

β€œI sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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Teacher - 'Johnny, if you had Β£10 in one pocket and Β£5 in your other pocket, what would you have?'

Johnny - 'Someone else's trousers on Miss.'

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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When the teacher asked where the apple's seeds are located, little Johnny said "the center."

She said, "that's almost core-rect."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Johnny used to be a punk rocker in the 80’s. Now his kids are grown, he makes crocks at the pottery and loves to write jokes and puns.

He’s come full circle, he’s a pun crocker.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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What did Johnny Cage hear in Helsinki Cathedral?

FINNISH HYMN!!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Why did Johnny Appleseed carry an axe?

To have better axe-ess to apples.

As told by my 8 year old.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NEPDX_RIPCITY
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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A couple of decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now, there's no cash, no hope, and no jobs...

For the love of God, don't let Kevin Bacon pass away

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, β€œI wouldn’t.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PachaLives
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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Johnny is in class learning about animals and the teacher asks, β€œcan anyone tell me what other name for dwarf goats go by?” Johnny’s hand shot up:

Ooh ooh Pygmy!! Pygmy!!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evilmd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A Wind Turbin met Johnny Depp...

"OMG I'm such a huge Fan"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InjuredTanned
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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In the song β€œThe devil went down to Georgia”, what did the devil give Johnny?

A u-seless fiddle (sorry if you haven’t heard the song, check it out, is lovely).

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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Little Johnny oldie

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twowhlr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Why did Johnny Depp run after the PA system announcement?

He HEARD an AMBER alert!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invaderz_in
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Despite the fact that Johnny Depp really disappears into his characters, I never seem to have any trouble recognizing him in a movie.

I guess I just have good Depp perception.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adambrantbelcher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
🚨︎ report
Why did little Johnny’s mother wash his clothes in Tide?

Because it was too cold outTide.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scherezad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Every year we line up and take turns giving Johnny birthday punches

Punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sakkiez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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George Clooney, Johnny Depp, and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie together

George Clooney said β€œI’ll direct!” Johnny Depp said β€œI’ll produce!” Mathew McConaughey said β€œIll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BATHTUBISREAL
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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My friend told me to never assume her favorite Johnny Mathis song

I guess it’s not for me to say

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zefdef
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
One I heard on the Johnny Cash show: "My wife and I haven't had a single fight in our house"

Guest: "What's your secret?"

Cash: "We go in the yard"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Youngblood519
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Little Johnny gives the terrorists four bombs, but then changes his mind, and takes three back.

The terrorists have one.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jefuchs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Johnny gets off the bus on the way home from school

On his walk home he sees a dog in he middle of the road. He wonders what it’s doing laying there when all of a sudden a car comes by and hits the dog. It flies through the air and after a minute, gets up and runs into the woods. Johnny can’t believe what he just saw and rushes home to tell his mom. He goes inside breathing hard form running and says β€œYou’re not going to believe what I just saw”

β€œWhat happened Johnny” says his mom

β€œThis car just hit this dog right in the ass and it flew through the air. He barely got up and limped into the woods”

The mom then says β€œnow little Johnny cmon lets be a little more respectfully let’s not use those words. Let’s say rectum instead”

Johnny then replies

β€œWrecked him!? That car damn near killed him!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LockinKey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
When Johnny Demon sneezed, fire came out his nostrils and the Earth rumbled.

All the other demons said, "curse you!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DA20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2014
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Cache registers are going to be the only thing Robot Johnny's memory has to look back on
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Johnny Cash wrote a song for "Return of the Jedi", but was sadly rejected?

I guess George Lucas wasn't a fan of "Ewok the Line."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandehmand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
🚨︎ report
So little Johnny was stung by a bee…

And he ran inside screaming "Mommy mommy I've been stung by a bee!"

So Johnny's mother says, "Oh calm down, lets put some cream on it"

At this Little Johnny replies "But how? It must be miles away by now!"

Badum Tsssss

My dad absolutely LOVES this joke, and he tells it to EVERYBODY, at first some people look at him confused but after a second or two everybody gets it and laughs, I swear to god Every. Damn. Time. And I love it

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Winter_Chills
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2017
🚨︎ report
So, if I make all my money vending condoms - do I get paid in Johnny Cash?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kantina
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did Johnny Cash hire a man to make him tie dye shirts?

Just to watch him dye.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoolilba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
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I heard Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer were making a sequel movie

The Loan Ranger: Collecting Interest

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Johnny Depp: Poster Child imgur.com/gallery/5zzMiL7
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintPauly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
🚨︎ report
I saw a cowboy chasing Johnny cash across Arizona, this is all I had to say

The man in black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Continuum_Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Teacher told Johnny, "Mississippi.Can you spell it?"

Johnny: "It"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report

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