Johnny Puns

Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says “this is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says “well maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying “I’m a light bulb” and the boss says “maybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks “where do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies “you expect me to work in the fucking dark?”

The teacher asks the class, “ there are five birds on a power line, and you shoot two of them, how many are left?”

Johnny replies, “ none the rest flew away when they heard the shot.”

The teacher says, “ no three are left but I like the way you think.”

So then Johnny says, “ let me ask you a question. There are three women eating ice cream, one licking it, one sucking it, and one biting it, which ones married?”

The teacher says, “ the one sucking?”

Johnny says, “ no the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

Hard to win if Amber is Heard and Johnny is not

Once we took them from him , he started teasing us , because we now had glasses.

Ruth hits a tree.

Johnny decides to continue on.

Ruthlessly.

Teacher: “Well that is the worst spell of weather we’ve had in a while!”

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

Johnny - 'Someone else's trousers on Miss.'

She said, "that's almost core-rect."

FINNISH HYMN!!

He’s come full circle, he’s a pun crocker.

To have better axe-ess to apples.

As told by my 8 year old.

For the love of God, don't let Kevin Bacon pass away

I guess I just have good Depp perception.

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

Ooh ooh Pygmy!! Pygmy!!

A u-seless fiddle (sorry if you haven’t heard the song, check it out, is lovely).

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

"OMG I'm such a huge Fan"

He HEARD an AMBER alert!!

Because it was too cold outTide.

Punchline.

George Clooney said “I’ll direct!” Johnny Depp said “I’ll produce!” Mathew McConaughey said “Ill write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

Guest: "What's your secret?"

Cash: "We go in the yard"

The terrorists have one.

I guess it’s not for me to say

On his walk home he sees a dog in he middle of the road. He wonders what it’s doing laying there when all of a sudden a car comes by and hits the dog. It flies through the air and after a minute, gets up and runs into the woods. Johnny can’t believe what he just saw and rushes home to tell his mom. He goes inside breathing hard form running and says “You’re not going to believe what I just saw”

“What happened Johnny” says his mom

“This car just hit this dog right in the ass and it flew through the air. He barely got up and limped into the woods”

The mom then says “now little Johnny cmon lets be a little more respectfully let’s not use those words. Let’s say rectum instead”

Johnny then replies

“Wrecked him!? That car damn near killed him!”

All the other demons said, "curse you!"

Mainstream.

And he ran inside screaming "Mommy mommy I've been stung by a bee!"

So Johnny's mother says, "Oh calm down, lets put some cream on it"

At this Little Johnny replies "But how? It must be miles away by now!"

Badum Tsssss

My dad absolutely LOVES this joke, and he tells it to EVERYBODY, at first some people look at him confused but after a second or two everybody gets it and laughs, I swear to god Every. Damn. Time. And I love it

Folsom Prism Blues

I guess George Lucas wasn't a fan of "Ewok the Line."

Just to watch him dye.

The Loan Ranger: Collecting Interest

The man in black fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed

Johnny: "It"