Dad: β€œI like to have my shoes match my pants. For instance, my brown shoes go well with my blue pants and my black shoes go well with my gray pants. My stripper heels on the other hand...”

β€œ...don’t go with anything.”

My dad never makes β€œdad jokes” but, he actually said this yesterday and I’m so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueholeload
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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People only trust high ranking navy sailors. for instance there's Captain Morgan rum, Captain crunch cereal.... You never see seamen crunch!
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisterblisterblob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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In the 12th century, one African nation planned to utilize giraffes as pack animals to carry supplies between warring nations. However, the giraffes kept escaping. It was the first recorded instance of giraffe dodging.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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Life is about changing perspectives and priorities, for instance, I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, but now...

...I don't care if they both are.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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It's amazing how some word's spellings change between America and Britain

For instance, in America they call Tyrannosaurus Rex a T-Rex and in England they call them a Tea-Rex

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caddiss_jc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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There once was a man who would buy tons of buckets of roofing sealant, change the label then resell them.

Sometimes he would simply rename the brand. Sometimes he would name it a different product entirely. In a few horrific instances he repackaged it as food products. Eventually he was found, arrested, and brought to court. And though he admitted to doing all those things, he insisted that he had done nothing illegal and that moreover, his actions were protected by the law and the Constitution. His reasoning?

"I have the right to rename sealant!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epicukulele
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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The quality of education is so poor today that some people don't even know the difference between a checklist and a ticklist!

Checklist: a tool for ensuring coverage of a subject can be completed with a check mark of some form, for instance, a cross, a tick, etc.

Ticklist: someone who is tickling you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjoojjoojj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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A nun is teaching her students about the circle of life

"there are either predators or prey in the circle of life" explained the nun. "whatever an animal eats, it is called that animal's prey. for instance, rabbits eat lettuce - thus lettuce is rabbit prey."

"Sister, what is sunlight then?" asked a quizzical child.

smiling, the nun put her hands together and said, "lettuce prey".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr-Vader
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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My mate, Skippy, is a bit of a nerd. Just last night he spent 2 hours telling me about all the characters named Kang.

For instance, Kang the Conqueror is a fictional supervillain appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. In 2009, Kang was ranked as IGN's 65th Greatest Comic Book Villain of All Time

or

In the Simpsons , Kang is a Rigellian from Rigel 7. He and his sister Kodos continuously try to take over Earth and are usually seen attacking Springfield. Kang and Kodos have a lot of space weaponry at hand and have their own spaceship. They speak the Rigellian language, which, by coincidence, is identical to English. Although they look identical, Kang has a deeper voice than Kodos.

I guess you could say Skippy is a Kang Guru...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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Native American naming conventions (contains a swear word)

My dad used to tell me this one growing up:

>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JandersOf86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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I can time travel...

For instance, it takes about 3 hours to fly to NYC to Miami.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robbdiggs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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When a bear shops for a new family car, some features are a must-have.

For instance it needs to have adequate cub holders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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The worst part of hurting your back...

is how you are always wrong after it heals. For instance, every time you get up you just stand corrected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadbonbon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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one bar owner was yelling at a recently joined bartender for coming up with new drinks and calling them weird names ...

for instance , he shakes pear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esma3ell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Some plants have the prefix "dog"

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog.' For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted one of the students, "Collieflower!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greyghost6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2018
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What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire? (x-post, /r/Jokes)

Arrr son!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thingsishoulddo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
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Why is getting lost in the woods the same as looking for your animal jewelry?

In both instances, you need to find your bear rings.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MorganNec
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
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Spin Puns for a web service.

We are working on a new web service where users can "spin up" new instances of a specific technology. Similar to this: http://trydrupal8.com/

We are looking for ideas on funny call to actions on the pages header. We have the following so far:

Spin me up Scotty Spin me up before you go go

I figured I would put this out there to the reddit community to see what we could come up with... :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/direct151
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
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TIL you can determine wether or not a person is stupid based on their taste in music.

For instance, metal-heads are pretty damn dense.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0NSTABEL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
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Best alias I've ever heard was in the Unicycle Football League in San Marcos TX: Don Quishowte

Anyone know of another instance of this name pun?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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I'm a Dad. I rock this one constantly

Whenever I see something with an expiration date that has a ridiculous time a lotted for consumption I will say... For instance today is august 16,2013 If i buy cereal today that expires on november 2015 I will say "we have to hurry up and eat this by november 2015!" Hahaha...crickets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ron247365
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
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My dad just posted an epic dadjoke on Facebook

I'm thinking of opening a shopping center which specializes in only the stores you can never seem to find when you want them. For instance:

  • New Navy
  • Half Foods
  • Over Armor
  • Paper Clips
  • 49 Cent Store
  • Seniors R Us (really old stuff like antiques)
  • Tom & Harry's Sporting Goods
  • Pier 99 Exports
  • Yankee Light Bulb
  • O.M.G. Monday's
  • Due Pizza (It's Italian, not Spanish)
  • Rhode Island Closets (they are very small)
  • Open Space (think about it)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlahBlahNyborg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2015
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Wedding Dad Jokes, buckle-up

So I'm not a dad but I do have fatherly aspirations. I told this joke at a wedding for a friend of mine. All names have changed except the bride's last name- it's a big part of the joke. My buddy we'll call Bob Smith, and his bride is Jane Patton.

After the father of the bride gives his toast, and the best man does his, I grab the mike from the best man and begin. This is as verbatim as I can remember. So I intro myself and promise to keep my comment short and say,

"Bob, I just want to say you're a great friend of mine, like a brother, and one thing I love about you is you're always surprising me. Like today for instance, I didn't know you were an inventor. Lo and behold, you've got your name on a Patton!"

Chuckles, drowned out by groans. I apologize and return to my seat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daniffer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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This one guy at work...

So there is this one engineer at work who always makes the kind of jokes that make you kind of groan afterwards. For instance, a little bit ago, I was trying to get into a set of drawers where we keep supplies and I say, "Excuse me, can I get in there real quick?" And he says, "But.... I don't think you'll fit!" Ba-dum-chuck! Today, I heard him come up to the receptionist to ask where a coworker went. She says, "I think he went through that door," and he's like, "Oh man! I hope he OPENED it first!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scullytheFed
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
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Friend in class got me today.

Today, I was sitting in my Technical theater class, where we were talking about props and props lists. The instance went something like this:

Professor: We'll call the show.... Uh... "Crucible; The Musical."
Me:(Under my breath) Jesus.
Friend sitting next to me:(Turning towards me) No, witches, actually.
Me: Ughh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluebasher
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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I can't wait for the new generation of technology to give more opportunities for Dad Jokes

For instance, a friend of mine said his phone died, so I responded "Well don't grieve too much, after all it was never really alive"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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