Case In Point Puns

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

After taking our order and asking if we want anything else, I point at my phone and ask if she can leave us a menu just in case.

I think I wrote my first dad joke original on something new to this changing world!

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

They are looking through the menu and the dad points to the falafel appetizer.

Dad: How do you pronounce that one?

Me: Falafel?

Dad: No actually I feel great! Just a little bit hungry..

Daughter: (Face palm)

.

EDIT: falafel sort of sounds like feel awful.

.

and again..

.

Dad orders his daughter a slice of cake for dessert.

Me: (to daughter) Here's your dessert. and (to the Dad) I brought you a fork in case you wanted some too.

Dad: Thanks! I love fork! (begins to pretend to eat fork)

Daughter: (absolutely mortified face of embarrassment.)

There's this crackhead in my neighborhood who is so skinny, everyone calls him "Ribs." Overall he's pretty harmless, but one day we were sitting in the front yard with our toddler in the playpen and he wanted to make the case that we should hire him to babysit. He picked up my son and started making his pitch. Most people would probably freak out as this point, but I just calmly looked at him and said politely, "I want my baby back, Ribs."

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

First one, we were in some really bad St. Paddy's Day traffic. The people around us were honking and getting pissed and cutting each other off. She remarked that "someone's gonna get in an accident...well, in this case it would be an 'on purpose.'"

Second one, we were at the zoo and I pointed out the zebras, saying that I had spotted them. "Uh, don't you mean you striped them?"

So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story

Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, “Acriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”

I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.

C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.

C responded with, “I guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.

Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.

Discussing John Locke

Student: But isn't X the case?

Lecturer: Exactly my point, you're Locked in!