I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
I was like where did that come from.
...it was a big Phแป queue.
Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt. Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt. Son: gives me a blank look Me: It's holy!
A slowpoke!
*a friend of mine told me this and I thought it would fit well here
They're all back stabbers
Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.
He was sharpening a pencil with his pocket knife but kept cutting the end off. "Dad if you keep this up its just going to be pointless."
It was awl-inclusive.
...It's all in the delivery.
Stupid firemen
http://imgur.com/5Hnpp8W
I was on a road trip with him and we were leaving Rapid City, SD, when we saw a billboard that said "Cowboy Pancakes: 99ยข"
He turns to me and says, "Cowboy Pancakes? They must serve those with maple stirrup"
He proceeded to laugh really hard and beat his steering wheel.
