Inducing Puns

[during tonight's Minnesota Wild/Chicago Blackhawks game]

Me: "Hey, do you want to hear a hockey joke?"

Eldest sister: "No."

Me: "OK. Just checking."

Your turn! Make me cringe! :D

We were watching TV last night and a woman on the show kept saying, "My grandkids isn't _____."

After she'd said it a few times, my dad sighed and said, "My grandkids aren't. I can't stand bad grammar...

...or bad grampar either."

A femur dream.

Little Seizures

My dad: Oh, so 9 months ago she was se-duced and now tomorrow she'll be in-duced.

On Labor day. Seriously shes pregnant with our 3rd boy and hes over a week late.

My doctor calls it Irma GERD.

spills water down myself when drinking

Me: “Sorry, I have a drinking problem”

Her: “Hahahaha”

forget her dad has drinking problem

Me: “That is such a dad joke”

silence is deafening

The feild of astronomy is looking up. Red dwarfs aren't so hot. Black holes are out of sight. The astronomers watched the moon for 24 hours then called it a day.

He was put in an induced korma.

My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!

Edit: We got him a couple hours ago! Everything went well, no complications. Thanks reddit strangers for the comments and well wishes. I know the rules say nothing identifying, 'oh when' ever they change that I'll post his name. Goodnight everyone, I have to try and nap before his feeding

https://i.imgur.com/uNycdzx.jpg

It hurt.

The local congregation held a pirate-themed fundraising dinner, my parents attended, this picture ensued. I missed the pun out of the gates - how long will it take /r/dadjokes?

(spacing for mobile users)

http://imgur.com/1UsHwvH

May the best dadjoker win! Groan-inducing hint to arrive in 1hr.

Edit: looks like I have a lot to learn... Goodnight reddit.

So its not really a dad joke, since my friend who is not a father said it...But I groaned loudly, so I think it qualifies.

We're walking along and see a bunch of pigeons. He asks "Which do you hate more, pigeons or seagulls?" to which I replied "Seagulls obviously. They shit the same amount but they come with that annoying noise". He then smiled ear to ear before saying "Yeah, pigeons are Coo".

I don't hear from my father very much, let alone dad jokes, but I guess no matter what I'll always encounter a groan-inducing dad joke one way or another.

I was eating lunch with my two friends and one of their dads today. The dad picks up a french fry from his plate and announces to the table:

"I can turn this fry into a dragon."

The entire table knew something groan-inducing was about to transpire.

(Holds the fry up and shows the table) "See, it's a fry now."

(Starts rubbing the fry against the table top) "And now it's a draggin'."

Faces leapt into palms and collective groaning was had.

Every time my brother or I say "Oh my God" in exasperation, my dad says, "You don't have to call me God, I'm just Dad." A classic yet painful groan-inducer.

My mom, wondering if we had enough leftovers to save: "What do you think?" Dad: rips a disgusting eggplant-induced fart......."Did you say,'what do you stink'?" Mom to me, as I'm laughing hysterically: "Do you see what I have to live with?!"

Recently, Joe has been under the slight suspicion that his wife is cheating on him. So, one day he comes home early from work, to his crap-shoot apartment on the eighth floor, and hears her scurrying around when he enters. Almost as if there's another person in the house. When he calls out her name she hollers back that she just ran into the shower. So he investigates the bedroom and encounters a shocking surprise... a pair of hands dangling from the other side of the window sill! Those of a grown man, hanging on for dear life. Infuriated at the sight of the man who's sleeping with his wife, Joe takes the bedside lamp and starts bashing the guy's fingers until he falls eight stories onto the sidewalk. Only he's still alive, writhing and broken. So Joe hauls the refrigerator from the kitchen out the window, sending it down onto the poor sucker, killing him instantly. Now the hysteria of the moment induces a fatal heart attack and Joe himself, dies. So now, as he's up at the pearly gates, St. Peter is telling all the incoming souls that in order to gain access into heaven, they need to provide a solid account of how they died. After hearing Joe's story, St. Peter allows him in. The next man in line says that he was tanning in the sun, drunk, on the roof of his apartment building when he fell off, only to catch hold of a window sill that could have saved his life, until a crazed bastard beat his fingers and threw a refrigerator onto him. St. peter tells him that he's a shoe-in. And when he asks the next guy in line how he ended up deceased, the guy replies, "...So I'm naked in a refrigerator, right?"

We're from NJ (he's been here his entire life). That part of the turnpike is how we get our bad name (smells, industrial, crime).

Every single time we drive through Elizabeth he proclaims, WHO'S ELIZABETH AND WHY SHE SMELL SO BAD?! followed by many self induced chuckles.

If you can be induced to compromise your principles for money, that makes you a horrible person.

^^^([whoreable])

(We are from Montana.)

Montana and North Dakota are in the middle of a war. The NDs have amassed a huge army and are about to march over a hill to invade MT. The commander of the ND army decides to send out a couple of scouts to see if the way is clear. Almost immediately after the two scouts disappear over the top of the hill, loud crashing and rumbling sounds come from the direction they went. After waiting until they are overdue for return, the commander decides to send a squad over to check out what happened. As they pass out of sight, a loud raucous was again heard from the other side of the hill. The commander becomes concerned and decides not to wait for them to return. He sends an entire platoon over the hill, telling them to take out any resistance they meet and return with any survivors. Once again, as the men disappear over the hill, the terrible sounds of war rush over the entire army and then slowly die down until nothing could be heard but the beating of the commanders heart. A proud man, never before defeated in battle, he decides to lead the entire army over the hill himself to destroy the opposition once and for all, but as they begin to march they see a single, mangled, ND soldier pulling himself up over the top of the hill by the only functioning limb of his body. Beaten, bloody and near death, he manages, with help, to make it to the commander and says; "Sir... (cough) Don't go... (spit, cough) It's a trap..."

And in the surprise induced silence he says;

"There's TWO of 'em."