Deeply exhaling indicates a negative mood.

At least that's what the sighentists say.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
New report indicates widespread overheating at an alarming rate, mainly in stadiums

Must be the lack of fans.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Loosebutt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Once considered to be holding funerals near a dead crow, now evidence indicates that crows may be examining the body and surrounding area for potential threats to the flock.

It's a murder investigation.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
The World Health Organization announced dogs cannot contract COVID-19 and indicated they should no longer be quarantined.

WHO let the dogs out.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Snoring is an indication

Of a sound sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Landed a simultaneous chemistry joke and dad joke

My wife drove by with the kids and visited me at work. While I was saying hi, this happened:

Wife: You have some silly kids in here.

Me: And in here [indicate my lab], I have some sili-cates!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maveri4201
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss asked me to make some kind of visual indicator so people know when he wants to give them a job to do.

I think he means a sign.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rafello
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The floor indicator light in the elevator of my local office is broken and rarely gives the correct floor number...

It's wrong on so many levels.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Asked if my indicators were working

dad responded: yes, no, yes, no.

πŸ‘︎ 170
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rob_was_here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
🚨︎ report
Where do mathematicians swim?

Indices!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NomTheDestroyer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Early Indicator

This comic is perfect for this sub.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-3point14159-mp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the Nazi fail his driver’s ed test?

He made two successful left turns but missed the third Reich

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RoyTheShip
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Getting a printer

For our anniversary my wife requested a printer/scanner. After doing some research I tell her that Brother would be a good brand to get.

"The one I'm looking at is black. That's a little bit racists, right?" Her face doesn't change, an indication that the joke failed and just to move on.

So she asks me if the printer has cables.

"Nope! It works through the wifi so you won't have to worry about wires! You can even print stuff from your phone!"

"Oh. So doesn't that mean I can't hook a Brother up?"

I was so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kupy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Sudden Urge to get Naked

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unicorn_brew
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
🚨︎ report
What does this mean?

Me: but what does this mean?

Dad: ok google, this

/Γ°Ιͺs/

pronoun

used to identify a specific person or thing close at hand or being indicated or experienced.

"is this your bag?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flubber68
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Was helping my daughter with history homework when she asked me if I knew anything about Galileo...

I said, β€œHe was a poor boy, from a poor family...”

The eye roll indicated my job there was done.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kailebeverettart
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The car clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman? The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontdothisman66
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
🚨︎ report
You're so vane

you probably think you can indicate wind direction

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
🚨︎ report
I think my coworkers getting tired of the construction jokes I've been working on…

A group of us were walking by a building expansion that's been under construction for a while when one of my coworkers said, "Look! They're installing the large glass windows on the front!"

I couldn't help but say, "I guess that's a pretty clear indicator they're making progress!"

There may or may not have been a face palm afterwards.

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
🚨︎ report
I thought /r/puns might enjoy these

A couple puns.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

edit: just a bit of formatting showing difference from one pun the other

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-REDDlT-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2012
🚨︎ report
Doctors are moving away from BMI for diagnosing obesity

I think the earlier challenges in comprehensive diagnosis came from the difficulty in getting results from patients. BMI is so easy it's automatic.

Meanwhile, getting body fat percentage required calipers or an intensive water displacement test. The distribution of body fat is never concrete; when does back fat stop and butt fat begin? Then, negative physiological effects of these two is the third indicator. Those need a host of diagnoses.

We are moving to a time when getting those figures has never been easier and thus could have never before been done on a large scale.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2017
🚨︎ report
For the birds

True story:

Took my stepdad to dinner at Cracker Barrel with my mom and gf on Father's Day. There was an advertisement on our table for a birdbath they were selling in the store part of the restaurant.

Mom (seeing that it was $49.95): "I wonder how big that birdbath is?"

Gf: "I think it's about this big" (holds arms in a circle indicating about 18 inches around)

Mom: "That's actually not a bad deal"

Stepdad: "Well, yeah, but where are the birds gonna get fifty bucks?"

o.o

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NSFAnythingAtAll
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2016
🚨︎ report
She set me up perfectly...

While chewing something particularly chewy I thought of something I needed to ask my wife. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Drrd ooo rmmbrr oo ak oww drr trrsh?

Wife: What the hell did you just say?

Me: Muffled sigh Chewing Chewing Chewing Hold up index finger to indicate almost done Chewing I said, 'Drrd ooo rmmbrr oo ak oww drr trrsh?'

Wife: Loses will to live.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Made an unintentional dad joke last night.

My wife comes into the room where I'm changing our first son, and says, "Whats up."

I, busy and slightly frustrated with his wet clothes replied, "Urine trouble."

Afraid that this was indication of her bad mothering she asked, "What did I do?"

Took us a couple minutes to get through that one.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSmashPosterGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2015
🚨︎ report
My professor brought up costumes at lecture.

Prof - "Its good that ya'll got so excited for Halloween, but this row (indicates with hand) needs to take off the masks because its too scary for me to teach!"

No one was wearing a mask.

The prof is a grandpa so his dad jokes are squared.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrenadeStankFace
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
🚨︎ report
Approaching a stop sign, little did I know I was about to be....DADJOKED

A stop sign appears in the distance, but a little bit before the stop sign is a yellow sign indicating a Deaf Child lives on that street.

Being the good son I am, I indicate to my father: Dad, a deaf child lives nearby, so slow down.

caps indicates shouting

Dad: WHAT

Me:...a deaf child lives nearby, slow down...

Dad: WHAT

I look to my brother in the back seat, and he shrugs. I look forward and try to forget what just happened.

My dad bursts out laughing: I can't believe you fell for that twice! That's HILARIOUS!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hwagon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjokes at the zoo

My wife and I took our daughter, niece, and nephew to the zoo today. We were standing in front of the anteater exhibit when I protectively put my hand in front of my wife and whispered, "watch out, you don't want to get too close to these things..."

My neice: "Why not??"

Me: "Oh you're fine. It's her (indicating my wife). These things are aunteaters."

slight pause followed by collective groan

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/killboy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
How to do the stud finder joke - a step by step guide (may not work for all models of stud finder)

Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.

I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1

Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.

Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.

Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.

Make joke as normal

This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.

This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jsgunn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Lost my composure after this one with a customer

So i manage a burrito joint, and we yell codes to the cashiers to indicate what the item is
i yelled out HS 1 which indicate the size, meat, and how many extras there are (guac, queso, etc)

the lady i was helping then goes 'hey those are my sons initials'

to which i immediately reply 'your son's last name starts with 1?' i was too ammused

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catsnstuffz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Swedish/Intercultural Dad Facebook Jokes

I posted a picture on Facebook of my grandmother wearing a fantastic hat from when she was my age. My family is Swedish, the word for grandmother (mother's mother) is Mor Mor. He commented on one picture thusly:

Dad: I will be posting a collection/selection of your Mor Mor (not your Mor Mor Mor) but actually some may contain both your Mor Mor and Mor Mor Mor who is you mother's Mor Mor. But you knew that.

(Then correcting his omission)

Dad: I meant to indicate it would be a hat based collection but got mor than confused.

Bonus points for attempting to learn Facebook, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/inkandbourbon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Ferres Boulevard

Driving past a street sign indicating "Ferres Boulevard"

I had to comment "Look, Ferris Buellervard!"

My wife gave me the thumbs up. My kids didn't get it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/texasdeluxe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
🚨︎ report
On Getting Pizza Delivered

I deliver pizza for a living and I showed up at the door, as is my wont, with one hand holding the pizza bag and the other holding the receipt. On opening the door, I greeted the pater familia and told him the amount I was owed. He gave me the money and I handed him the receipt so I could free up my hands to pull the pizza out of the bag, saying offhandedly, "Here you go," indicating the receipt. The patriarch then looked at the menu bemusedly and remarked, "Hmm, seems a little light." It took me a little to figure out the joke was supposed to be that he thought the menu accompanying the receipt was the entire delivery.

On noticing my delayed reaction, the daughter of the house proceeded to put her hand to her face in a manner not unlike our dear Snoo at the top of this page. I've been delivering for two years now--that was easily the lamest, most Dad-like joke I have ever come across.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
🚨︎ report
My brother is a biology student...

After having completed his internship on bowel diseases, he was talking about the primary function of the colon. When he was finished, I helpfully added that the colon has the added purpose of indicating that you were about to start a list. "For example, 'colon', item one, item two, item three..."

The groan/glare he gave me was quite a reward!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nmukerjee27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2014
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.