A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me that I was going to have to make some sacrifices to improve my health....

Anyone know if he meant human or animals ?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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There's a department of the United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.

UNEEDCHEF

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Mechanic: You should give your car a spoiler to improve its handling.

Me: Iron Man dies at the end.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Carrots may improve your eyes

But booze will double your vision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Viagra is now available in a teabag format. It doesn't improve your performance...

....but it stops your biscuit from getting soft..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you improve your archery?

With better arrow dynamics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
It's true whiskey improves with age.

The older I get the more I like it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/herumdegumff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Bought a new padlock to improve my beehive

Now it’s in-bee-leavable!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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My friend found a sturdy piece of lumber to place within his guitar to improve the vibrations...

It was a soundboard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I just invested in a company that will pay me to keep t-bones and rib-eyes in my freezer to sell when the market improves...

I'm a steak-holder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a book on how to improve your memory.

Forgot where I left it.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wentwiththeflow
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
They should improve their marketeang
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chorima94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?

Vitamin see!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyMarkGamer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How does a chiropractor improve their craft?

Chiropractice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnDough39
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What are the top two things that improve your hearing?

Your ears

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToldYouSo20
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.

... Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weekend833
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Reddit should have an app so that every upvote you get improves your credit score

It would be called Creddit Karma

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amphibatron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
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I asked an experienced gardener how I could improve my herb garden.

He gave me some sage advice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been eating toast to improve my self

I’m a breader person for it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironicplatypus84
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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I wanted to impress my friends, so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

It was A Major task but I can only C Minor improvement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealJeemboo
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Got really bad eyesight, but at the end of this year I’ll get eye surgery to improve my vision, so hopefully next year it will be...

2020

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frankaydoodl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal...

Me: A what?

Him: A repeater.

Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin

Him: Oh my god.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misscharl0tte
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Next year, I’ll expect my vision to improve drastically.

It’ll be 20/20.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlvaroBertoni
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Apparently Rice helps improve your memory.

Just some food for thought.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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They say wine improves with age...

But I still hate it and I'm 45.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do you send a kid with ADHD during the summer to improve their focus?

Concentration camp

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwvrie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
You can improve the efficiency of your air conditioner by using it after your air shampoo!
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2016
🚨︎ report
In order to improve our relationship, my neighbor and I have decided to share our water.

We are trying to get a long well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
🚨︎ report
In the 1970s farmers attempted giving weed to cows in order to improve milk production. However, they concluded the steaks were too high.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RndmRanger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
🚨︎ report
To all the people waiting to find out how to improve your posture...

Sit tight

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Carrots might improve you vision....

but beer doubles it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried to change the wording of the pizza joke to improve it...

But no matter how you slice it, it’s still cheesy, regardless of the delivery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rom_Dolos
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My son sent me a recording of a song he wrote. I gave him a suggestion to improve it but he didn't Iike it. He said it was "cheesy" So i said, "Maybe if you worked on your Kraft a little harder you might get a single."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gocards2579
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
As a traffic planner I was asked how and where I intended to improve flow through intersections. I pointed on the map and said,

"Roundabout here."

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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Trying to improve people's days with bad puns! youtube.com/watch?v=JVyHu…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trooney1012
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife lectured me on how she could improve my tighty whities if she turned them into long johns.

I asked her to keep it brief.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
The Nordic countries are pooling their resources to improve renewable energy production.

Many Hans make light work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rodney_skinner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2015
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Trying to improve my dad joke repertoire

After a conversation on the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and antibiotics research: "Why is the best disease research done in cities on the coast? Because they like to See de Sea!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingvigil
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Oranges improves your eyesight

Because it contains Vitamin See

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linzihan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a department of United Nations which tries to improve the quality of food in restaurants.

UNEEDCHEF

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report

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