Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery... Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?" Baker: "What type do you want sir?"
Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."
Three months without a haircut, my hair has gotten so long I’ve been brushing it straight back to disguise its length. Today my wife asked, “Are you ever going to get a haircut?”
I replied, “I’ll mullet over.”
I'm not an alcoholic. In fact, there's only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
I found a lamp that said that if I rubbed it, a genie would come out and grant me three wishes, but when I did it nothing happened
I must have rubbed him the wrong way
I was meeting up with a friend who was upset and told me on the way there he ended up hitting three sparrows with his car.
I told him it was a good thing it wasn't crows because that would be a murder.
I named my three kittens Fork, Spoon and Knife. Why?
Think I've created a three fer
Son: DAD! I broke my arm in three places!
Dad: Don’t go to them places then
I just spent three hours chasing all the water fowl out of my yard...
"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
I’m in favor of three-carbon alkanes.
I don't get how it's possible to reduce the social distancing requirement from six feet to three feet.
In almost all cases its impossible to have three feet between 2 people.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
I’ve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar
I wanted to go with my mom when she walked her three dogs after dark.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
The three things I like are:
Eating my family and not using commas.
To those worried about eating salad after the recent e coli outbreaks, I have three words for you.
Yesterday I saw three Mexicans in my backyard
I had to tell them to go away because they were tres passing
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said “oh, you want the Snyder Cut”.
Why do ballerinas wear tu-tus?
One-ones are too small, and three-threes are too big!
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
If I had to describe myself in three words, I'd have to say:
Three years ago I married my best friend...
My girlfriend was angry but Dave and I thought it was hilarious!
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: "For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…"
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
My 7 yo son's contribution: What has three eyes and can't see? (to be fair i's)
They say one in four people are homosexual, which is weird because I have three best friends, all guys. Makes me wonder which one of us would be gay.
I hope It's Paul. He's cute.
My professor asked me why did I put only one of the three authors as a reference.
I said that I didn’t feel tempted to do so et. al
As I got older I find I need only three shops
Specsavers, Boots and Gregg’s. My life is just specs and drugs and sausage rolls.
My three year old said to me, "I'm three years old." I replied, "Hi Three Years Old, I'm Dad."
He retorted, "Don't call me Three Years Old I'm Dad."
I have never been more proud.
Genie: I will grant you three wishes
Man: I wanna be rich!
Genie: What is your second wish, Rich?
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.
I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.
“Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”
Terrible joke, only three stars.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I've heard nothing since.
I haven't shaved in three months!
I didn't like the beard at first, but I gotta admit, it's growing on me.
Jesus walks into a hotel
Throws three nails on the reception desk and asks “Can you put me up for the night?”
I went on a date, and all she kept talking about for three hours was olive oil
I’m thinking extra virgin
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
I have three different levels of tan on me. One level is my arms and legs from wearing a shirt and shorts. The next level is from not wearing a shirt at the beach. And the last is under my shorts.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row and now I feel a little sick.
Must be the high Mercury content.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
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