Have Child Puns

A list of puns related to "Have Child"

Have you heard about the child abductor that sleeps alot?

It's a kid-napper.

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👤︎ u/boardzeroo
📅︎ Dec 13 2020
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My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said “any means necessary.”

To which I replied “No it doesn’t.”

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👤︎ u/FreshStartGo
📅︎ Sep 06 2020
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What does a burnt baguette and an unwanted child have in common?

Didn't pull out fast enough.

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👤︎ u/BigBreadfruit8
📅︎ Aug 17 2020
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An egg and some cream have a child, and get a divorce.

Last I heard, they now have split custard-y.

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👤︎ u/JustThat2Throwaway
📅︎ Aug 28 2020
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My husband walked into the proctologists office, and I knew then that the doctor must have a child as well when I heard the words from the other side of the door,

>Here comes the plane!

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👤︎ u/AlitaBattlePringleTM
📅︎ Jun 09 2020
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A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.

He was named Justin Case.

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👤︎ u/kilokiilo
📅︎ Mar 18 2020
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If my child won't go to bed, I'll have him put in jail.

For resisting A Rest

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👤︎ u/alunde05ps
📅︎ Feb 19 2020
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What do you call a man that can't move and can't have a child?

Manapaused...

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👤︎ u/FuxedPotato
📅︎ Jan 26 2020
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As an only child who is male, I should have been named...

Solomon.

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👤︎ u/neverwastetheday
📅︎ Sep 13 2019
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If my wife has red hair and we have a child...

Would that make my offspring ginger-bred?

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👤︎ u/wormfood__
📅︎ Aug 06 2019
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If I ever have a child, and that child says they're gay...

...I'm totally going to say "Hi Gay, I'm Dad!".

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👤︎ u/Jelly_Noodle
📅︎ Nov 01 2019
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I had to have my wife's child give me a boost to change a lightbulb

He is my step-son

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👤︎ u/dubeykeebler
📅︎ Oct 09 2019
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I can’t wait for the day my child says “dad, I think I have your sense of humor”

So I can say to them

“YOU GIVE THAT BACK!”

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👤︎ u/TheRaizinBran
📅︎ Feb 12 2019
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I told my wife she could have my child support. She replied

“A greed”

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👤︎ u/ModMakerXbox
📅︎ May 28 2019
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If Guns N’ Roses ever open a hotel, I hope they have a Suite Child O’ Mine
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👤︎ u/DinglebarryHandpump
📅︎ May 25 2018
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A CarMom and a CarDad have a child what do they call him?

Carson

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👤︎ u/Gingy1000
📅︎ Nov 16 2017
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It’s hard explaining to a child that sometime you have to put a dog down.

They just want to hold it to show their love!

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👤︎ u/RexDiometus
📅︎ Jun 23 2018
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When I am older, I am going to have a child.

That way I won't just be a joke, I will be a dad joke.

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👤︎ u/Jeb_Screb
📅︎ Apr 09 2018
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If you have a child by surrogate, does that make you an early adopter?

Literally a dad joke.

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👤︎ u/adjoro
📅︎ Mar 07 2018
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What kind of problems does a child with a scraped knee have?

Kidney problems.

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👤︎ u/F16benjamin
📅︎ Jun 19 2017
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I have a child, so I feel like I qualify....

Been chatting with a girl I met online... she never responded late last night and I wake up to this message this morning:

Her: Sorry! I fell asleep on you last night! Me: Weird... I didn't even feel you on me.

Anndddddd we're still talking. Score.

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👤︎ u/margraves
📅︎ Feb 22 2015
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When you have your first child.....

....your role in your family will become apparent.

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👤︎ u/QwertyTheKeyboard
📅︎ Aug 26 2014
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After my first child was born I went to have a drink with my father...

He said to me "Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this".

"Dad, you don't mean the... ".

"Yes son", he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'.

With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said "Dad, I'm honoured!".

"Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad".

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👤︎ u/EdenC996
📅︎ Aug 16 2015
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So an elderly couple of 60 want to have another child,

They visit their doctor, who says, "You're both healthy and work out, I don't think there'll be a problem. I need a sperm sample though." The elderly couple took the clear bottle home and brought it back the next day. The doctor holds the bottle up to the light and says, "This bottle is empty sir." The elderly man replies, "I tried it with my right hand and with my left hand, Ma tried it with her right hand and her left hand, with her teeth in and her teeth out. But no matter what we did, we couldn't get that lid off that bottle."

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👤︎ u/Will_to_Knowledge
📅︎ Jun 20 2015
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