Halving Puns

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

Yeah, they’re halving the time of their life.

They really halve their shit together

“Thanks! You/2”

*I am not a real Dad but I have one and I’ve studied the art.

Me: you want to halve your recipe and eat it too?

But I will make one if I halve two.

(Under breath but loud enough that everyone can hear) guess he was really Puttin some work in

We went to Stratco (fence & roofing company) this morning, to look at and price up a new side fence. You know how you can get decorative top panels, well there is one that is just a bunch of linked circles that my wife liked.

I vetoed it though; I thought the neighbours might find it a bit o-ffencive...

He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, “This bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, “Dad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, “It’s better to halve it and not knead it.”

You cut the table in half, because two halves make a hole.

He only had 2 worms.

You've got the halves and the have-knots.

Break the stick in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out.

It takes two doughnut halves to make a doughnut hole

It will be called halves.

Two halves make a whole, and a donut already has one

You look in the mirror and saw what you see, then saw the dresser in half.

Then you use the two halves of the dresser to make a whole, and jump through it to freedom.

"Talk to me baby, a problem shared is a problem halved."

Unfortunately her problem was fractions, so she had no clue what I was talking about…

So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.

After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop

Luckily the doctors said he would be alright.

I halve to know

Dad said It's a game of two halves!

...in the middle of the night.

Two dead men got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

drew their swords...

And shot each other!

How do you escape Prison?

Bang your head against the wall until it's sore.

Saw your bed in half,

Two halves make a whole,

Crawl through the hole,

Shout until you're hoarse,

Climb on the horse and gallop away!

Waitress asked how many, four with the two kids?

My response: three if you count the two halves. Both the waitress and wife looked at me funny.

But I will make one if I halve two.

But I will if I halve two.

Break the stick in half...

...two halves make a hole.