I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SynchronizeHS
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Did you hear that middle-aged people are the happiest?

Yeah, they’re halving the time of their life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zotiko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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I really appreciate couples that divide their feces equally with each other.

They really halve their shit together

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yotapata
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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She texted β€œhalve a great day!”

β€œThanks! You/2”

*I am not a real Dad but I have one and I’ve studied the art.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ActorMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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What do you get when you put both halves of your butt together? reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/highlighterfight
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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Wife: I think we should halve the recipe.

Me: you want to halve your recipe and eat it too?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yossyrian
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
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I don’t usually make puns about dividing numbers...

But I will make one if I halve two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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Do you ever think back to child hood and regret not make enough puns? For example: (History) Vladamir Putin more than halved the poverty rate during his first term.

(Under breath but loud enough that everyone can hear) guess he was really Puttin some work in

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProllyWasted
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2015
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Going halves with the neighbours for a new fence.

We went to Stratco (fence & roofing company) this morning, to look at and price up a new side fence. You know how you can get decorative top panels, well there is one that is just a bunch of linked circles that my wife liked.

I vetoed it though; I thought the neighbours might find it a bit o-ffencive...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokkenFrepz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2013
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A baker was preparing the dough for a loaf of his famous bread, while his son watched.

He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, β€œThis bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, β€œDad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, β€œIt’s better to halve it and not knead it.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/radioclash86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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You are stuck in a cement room with only a table and a chainsaw, how do you get out?

You cut the table in half, because two halves make a hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rottweiler67
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Why didn't noah do much fishing?

He only had 2 worms.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frompadomp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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When it comes to broken shoelaces...

You've got the halves and the have-knots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moonmanchild
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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You're in a locked room, cement room with just stick, how do you get out?

Break the stick in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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Philosophy of Doughnuts:

It takes two doughnut halves to make a doughnut hole

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JShawKSU
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
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I am excited that they are coming out with a prequel to Holes.

It will be called halves.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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There's no point in cutting a donut in half

Two halves make a whole, and a donut already has one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greglieb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2017
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How do escape a concrete room with no windows or doors, with nothing but a dresser and a mirror?

You look in the mirror and saw what you see, then saw the dresser in half.

Then you use the two halves of the dresser to make a whole, and jump through it to freedom.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonicWolf591
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2017
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I saw my young daughter crying over her homework yesterday, so I said…

"Talk to me baby, a problem shared is a problem halved."

Unfortunately her problem was fractions, so she had no clue what I was talking about…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2017
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The guacamole incident

So, this just happened last night. My son (11 years old, and a true lover of dad jokes) is not presently speaking to me.

After i just finished cutting an avocado in two... Me: Shall we "halve" some avocado with dinner tonight? Huh? Huh? (Dramatically pointing to the cut produce in Vanna White style.) Son: (Unimpressed). I might take a little. Me: You might? I say you "halve two!" (Again gesturing dramatically to the two halves.) Son: groan That was TERRIBLE... But you score extra points for a double pun. Me: Av-a-cad-o million more where those came from. Mic Drop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
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There was an accident front of our house yesterday. A man completely lost his entire left side.

Luckily the doctors said he would be alright.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/burgerandfries
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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I rip a good book apart to find out the plot twist

I halve to know

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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Just got around to unboxing the Pro Evolution Soccer 2018 game I got for Christmas, and the DVD was snapped.

Dad said It's a game of two halves!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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One fine day....

...in the middle of the night.

Two dead men got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

drew their swords...

And shot each other!

How do you escape Prison?

Bang your head against the wall until it's sore.

Saw your bed in half,

Two halves make a whole,

Crawl through the hole,

Shout until you're hoarse,

Climb on the horse and gallop away!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyberplasm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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At my local Denny's

Waitress asked how many, four with the two kids?

My response: three if you count the two halves. Both the waitress and wife looked at me funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robnez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
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You can’t have your cake and eat it too, but you can halve your cake and eat it two.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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I don’t usually make puns about fractions...

But I will make one if I halve two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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I don't normally make puns about fractions...

But I will if I halve two.

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HXCg4m3r
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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You’re locked in a cement room and just have a stick. How do you get out?

Break the stick in half...

...two halves make a hole.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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