Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 25 2020
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Gun Pun!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pun420
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 19 2018
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I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.

Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/turkyman3
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 27 2021
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I shot a man with a paintball gun...

....just to watch him dye.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 47
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2021
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What do you call peanuts with guns?

Packing Peanuts

πŸ‘οΈŽ 356
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DrSwagtasticDDS
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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I never tried using a gun ever before...

I'm planning to give it a shot, though.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SuperFeather0
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 18 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

show more
πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 05 2020
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I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag

The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon

πŸ‘οΈŽ 60
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MushuTheGreat17
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 27 2020
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I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire

I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/takuache_beaner
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2020
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Just heard about this gun smuggler they caught named T-Rex.

He was a small arms dealer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/andS0NS
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 17 2021
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Man shot 200 times with upholstery gun.

Surgeons revealed he is now 'fully recovered'.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bob9109
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
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My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 04 2020
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What did the angry gun say to the bullet after shooting it?

You are fired.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bonp27
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2020
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There is nothing stronger than a finger gun...

except for a hand gun.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/anbre_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2020
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I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue.

She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 27 2021
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What do you call a sweet gun?

Dessert Eagle.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Staters
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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My friend got pulled over and the cop drew his gun on him!

Luckily the ink washed off after a couple days

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/No_Gray_Area
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 31 2020
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A store clerk fought off an armed robber with a labeling gun

Now police are looking for a man with a price on his head.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 621
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fireseeker4him
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 09 2020
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What kind of gun is common in Canada?

An β€œEh K”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/pharmerino
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 09 2020
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His gun fires bullets imprinted with "Dumbass"
πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hyaaaa_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 24 2020
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I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"

He's a small arms dealer

πŸ‘οΈŽ 410
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 01 2020
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I’m mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.

What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 53
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2020
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I'm sticking with/to my guns. It makes sense either way
πŸ‘οΈŽ 79
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Masterkibyknight
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 04 2020
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They Are Coming For Our Puns (Guns) - Say NO to Pun Control. beartariatimes.com/2020/1…
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BannanaCabana
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 09 2020
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Give a kaiju a gun, call that Glockzilla
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KiddBlack
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 06 2020
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I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but don’t worry...

I’m all right.

buh-dum-tsss

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 31 2021
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I started carrying a gun with me after an attempted robbery a few years ago.

Now my robberies have gotten a lot more successful.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/asguardia
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
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What do you call a jelotine gun?

A congealed weapon

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wrldoasis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 14 2020
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I bought a gun because of my bird phobia.

my therapist said, β€œYou might be getting carried away.”

I continued to fire into the ceiling. β€œNot without a fight!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/anxieturt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 08 2020
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Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches?

Because they go β€œpew pew pew”.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 93
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PleaseBeSerious
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 23 2020
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A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, β€œGive me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller replies, β€œDon’t you mean history?”

The robber says, β€œDon’t change the subject!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bot_10
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2019
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If guns don't kill people, people kill people...

That means that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 06 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/S93C141
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 25 2020
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Did you hear about the TRex that got caught selling hand guns?

Apparently being a small arms dealer is frowned upon.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 25 2020
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In case you're feeling crummy.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 3k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Cadaverkitten94
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 21 2020
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I was cleaning my finger gun the other day...

And shot a hole in my air guitar.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 62
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GoldSweep
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 24 2020
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Even if you use fresh water in a water gun...

It's still assault water.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Cindolintoe
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 07 2020
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The only gift I got for Christmas was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 87
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2020
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I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.

He dyed on impact.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 93
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 17 2020
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I shot a man with a paintball gun...

....just to watch him dye.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 45
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 30 2020
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I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 349
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 08 2020
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I buy my guns from a T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 132
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 17 2020
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A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jezreel62
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 11 2020
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