Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Gun Pun!
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pun420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.

Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/turkyman3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I shot a man with a paintball gun...

....just to watch him dye.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call peanuts with guns?

Packing Peanuts

πŸ‘︎ 356
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrSwagtasticDDS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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I never tried using a gun ever before...

I'm planning to give it a shot, though.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperFeather0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I was arrested for having jello in the shape of a gun in my bag

The officers charged me for having a congealed weapon

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MushuTheGreat17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire

I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/takuache_beaner
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Just heard about this gun smuggler they caught named T-Rex.

He was a small arms dealer.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andS0NS
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Man shot 200 times with upholstery gun.

Surgeons revealed he is now 'fully recovered'.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob9109
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the angry gun say to the bullet after shooting it?

You are fired.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonp27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There is nothing stronger than a finger gun...

except for a hand gun.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anbre_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue.

She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a sweet gun?

Dessert Eagle.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Staters
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend got pulled over and the cop drew his gun on him!

Luckily the ink washed off after a couple days

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Gray_Area
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A store clerk fought off an armed robber with a labeling gun

Now police are looking for a man with a price on his head.

πŸ‘︎ 621
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireseeker4him
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of gun is common in Canada?

An β€œEh K”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pharmerino
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
His gun fires bullets imprinted with "Dumbass"
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hyaaaa_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I buy my guns from a guy called "T Rex"

He's a small arms dealer

πŸ‘︎ 410
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m mad at my wife because I bought a stun gun for her birthday and she tested it out on me. Twice.

What a revolting response to a gift. I was stunned.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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I'm sticking with/to my guns. It makes sense either way
πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masterkibyknight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
They Are Coming For Our Puns (Guns) - Say NO to Pun Control. beartariatimes.com/2020/1…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BannanaCabana
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Give a kaiju a gun, call that Glockzilla
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KiddBlack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but don’t worry...

I’m all right.

buh-dum-tsss

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I started carrying a gun with me after an attempted robbery a few years ago.

Now my robberies have gotten a lot more successful.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asguardia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a jelotine gun?

A congealed weapon

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wrldoasis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a gun because of my bird phobia.

my therapist said, β€œYou might be getting carried away.”

I continued to fire into the ceiling. β€œNot without a fight!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anxieturt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do movie makers record laser gun sound effects in churches?

Because they go β€œpew pew pew”.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PleaseBeSerious
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, β€œGive me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller replies, β€œDon’t you mean history?”

The robber says, β€œDon’t change the subject!"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
If guns don't kill people, people kill people...

That means that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the TRex that got caught selling hand guns?

Apparently being a small arms dealer is frowned upon.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WantedDadorAlive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
In case you're feeling crummy.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cadaverkitten94
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was cleaning my finger gun the other day...

And shot a hole in my air guitar.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldSweep
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Even if you use fresh water in a water gun...

It's still assault water.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cindolintoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The only gift I got for Christmas was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.

He dyed on impact.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I shot a man with a paintball gun...

....just to watch him dye.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

πŸ‘︎ 349
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.

Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jezreel62
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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