My grown son asked me how I never seemed to lose the tv remote when he was growing up.

I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter... A remote location.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Njensen58
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
When you grown up, you either become...

A: Grown adult.

B: Groan A dolt.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me I’ve grown as a person

Her actual word were β€œyou’ve gotten fat”, but I know what she meant.

πŸ‘︎ 996
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.”

He said, β€œNope. Still have two.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
When my grandparents came over they said: β€œYou look like you’ve grown a foot!”

I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: β€œNo, I still have just two.”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rallocks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientists have grown vocal chords in a Petrie dish

The results speak for themselves

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFishmanau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...

... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call avocados that are grown in the Everglades?

Guacodiles

Credit to my dad

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigglingdoritos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Meat Grown in Space for the First Time Ever
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/david-stone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that fully grown deer don't like melted cheese?

But their fawn do

πŸ‘︎ 460
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCHZY
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Lately, I’ve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables

Some days, I just don’t carrot all

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a vegetable grown in a brothel?

A brothel sprout.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dorie30
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a vegetable grown in Russia?

A soviet onion

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VASIL360
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I gave my dad some French beans I had grown in my garden.

He asked if they needed to go into quarantine!

(UK just asked everyone coming in from France to observe 2 weeks quarantine)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanAhJustSay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuke_k9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My 4yo son was surprised I saw him doing something out of the corner of my eye. He asked how I saw him and I said, "Grown ups see all kinds of things."

"That's why it's called adult super-vision."

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thunderup_14
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I grew a beard in isolation and I asked my daughter "Should I shave my beard?β€œ she said "No Dad, it's grown on me"

I said "Funnily enough it's grown on me too!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NerdonSight
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A single drop of venom from inland taipan can kill a fully grown elephant.

I am glad that I am not a fully grown elephant

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sniper_2000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Adult: A person who is fully grown or developed.

Two-dult: 2 people who are fully grown or developed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NairodI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I ran into someone who was shocked that I had grown a beard

To which I said, β€œI grew it over winter, but I’m thinking of shaving it off. Only it’s been growing on me”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Das-DoktahJay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œMy goodness, you must have grown a foot since I last saw you!”

β€”-Doctor, seeing a patient again at Chernobyl.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know you could have your ashes grown into a plant when you die

I'm going to have my ashes grown into an ash tree, with a grave stone that reads "he was dying to be grown this way" and in the back it will read "that pun was a grave mistake"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Benneb10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Johnny used to be a punk rocker in the 80’s. Now his kids are grown, he makes crocks at the pottery and loves to write jokes and puns.

He’s come full circle, he’s a pun crocker.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I watched a program on National Geographic, where they showed a huge plant which had grown papers instead of leaves.

It was a document-tree.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend told me he had grown a beard.

But when I saw him I realised he is a bald-faced liar.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaenHoffiCoffi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A report just came out that Peyton Manning’s forehead has grown even more since he retired from the NFL

It’s Nationwide now

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/squadly_santana
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an apple grown in an evergreen forest?

A pine apple

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jsingham
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Took my daughter out to see how marshmallows are grown. imgur.com/NavQnlm
πŸ‘︎ 541
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tachophile
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
🚨︎ report
I also have a first home grown dad joke! I was driving behind a Subaru yesterday...

It didn't Impreza me much.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A female weightlifter went to the doctors and said β€œdoctor I’ve been taking steroids and I’ve grown a cock”

β€œanabolic?” Asked the doctor.

β€œNo, just the cock”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/feedmesteak
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A joke my dad told me when I was little that I didn't get till I was grown for fathers day. How do you catch a polar bear

Cut a hole in the ice and surround it with peas. When the polar bear walks up to take a pee kick him in the ice hole.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArdelLedbetter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
As a Native American, I've grown to trust the US government

but I still have my reservations.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/windowlickr6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2013
🚨︎ report
What did the leaf say after having grown back from being torn in half?

Well, that's a relief.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fasefase
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My husband has gradually grown to tolerate and even appreciate puns. Today he made me proud.

He made a pun in the shower, we giggled, and I noted how he's gone from hating puns to making his own. I called him my "young Padawan" and he responded, "You mean, Pun-awan?" It was seemless. I lost my shit. Just wanted to share with you guys :)

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowsphinx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Grand-Dad Joke that I've grown up with... Seasonally appropriate

Which reindeer is the least famous? Olive! Olive, the other reindeer!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MerylNMonroe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2013
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad if he had ever grown a beard...

"I tried once," he replied. "It was a very religious beard."

At this point my mom looks over at me and starts to roll her eyes, even as a reluctant smile creeps at the corners of her mouth. She's heard this one before, perhaps many times.

"It was holey."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luolife
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
🚨︎ report
You know why they call us grown-ups?

Because we groan when we get up!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snakeonalake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stupidboy0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”

He said, β€œNo. I still have two.”

πŸ‘︎ 284
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aca6825
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Wow! You've grown a foot since I last saw you!

Oh never mind. You still have two!

πŸ‘︎ 342
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ralph3576
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw my nephew after a year and said, β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.”

He said, β€œNope. Still have two.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
If vocal chords could be grown in a Petri dish,

Do you think the results would speak for themselves?

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bob_alob_aSqueeb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Scientists have grown working vocal cords in the lab.

The results speak for themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edhere
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2017
🚨︎ report
My beard has really grown on me!
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FreebuildAndKill
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
🚨︎ report

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