Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...

Because all the leaves are brown.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why dont grocery stores sell clothing?

Because they don't know what the woolworths.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashjmc89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. β€œKobe!” I shout. β€œNo.” He says in a disappointed tone...

...Colby

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store

But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a lobster escape a grocery store tank

It clawed itself out

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuchoTornado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Police were called to the local grocery store today

A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bamugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?

He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you see that guy destroying snacks at the grocery store?

I heard he's on the Chex offender list.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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I was at the grocery store the other day getting flour

When a guy walks up next to me and grabs some yeast.

So I said, "A man of culture, I see!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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I told my friend a secret about the grocery store.

He spilled the beans.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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I found a $20 bill in the parking lot of the grocery store. I asked myself, what would Jesus do?

So I turned it into wine.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter if we needed anything at the grocery store. She said "Soy Sauce."

I replied: "Ola Sauce, Soy Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...

I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are β€œOut of Order”

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...

Oops, they were out of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of sprite from the grocery store.

I realised when I got home I picked 7up.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RexThunderhorn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.

I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jHugley328
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a sale on citrus fruit at the grocery store...

It's for a lime-eted time only!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sam-A-Tron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Recent Trip to the Grocery Store

I was just in a checkout line at the grocery store and the man behind me was going on and on in broken English about being from some Neo-Mediterranean superpower. He got my attention, pointed to a newspaper above the belt, and asked what it was. I replied β€œIt’s the Times, New Roman.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FapAlbert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
[Grocery Store] β€œOk. Milk..check. Bread...check. Bacon..check.”

Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œBack in the day...” my dad started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...

β€œWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife: I gotta run to the grocery store after work

Me: wouldn’t it be easier to drive?

My wife: ....it was funny the first 100 times.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Found at the grocery store
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoptartFitness27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you combine a grocery store and a clothing store?

Apple Crumble and Finch

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkrose3333
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the bread shortage at the Indian grocery store?

When I went there, they had naan left.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter and I went to the grocery store yesterday, and we were amazed by the quality of the produce. We spoke with the Department Manager and offered to buy all of their Romaine

if he'd lettuce

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpalupagus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today

It’s really been a great cake day

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wakes09
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes to the grocery store...

A man goes to the grocery store and buys 2 apples, a banana and an onion.

The lady at the checkout counter says, "You must be single".

The man says, "Wow, how did you know?"

The lady says, "Because you're ugly."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fragzilla360
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw this at the grocery store earlier today
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5v0Lt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said, β€œWhy did you forget to get all the stuff from the grocery store that I wrote down?”

I said, β€œWhen I got there, I felt.....listless.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.

I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.

πŸ‘︎ 623
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πŸ‘€︎ u/massivevivid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the grocery store.

The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a joke about grocery stores but now is not the right time to tell it

I think aisle tell it later

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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My friend is a custodian at the grocery store.

Every night he plays supermarket sweep.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough...

They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!

πŸ‘︎ 324
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kratomom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a grocery store.

He grabs a pack of toilet paper, and runs out the door shouting, "Cashmere if you can!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VforViolin
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going grocery shopping this morning. They told me latex gloves and a face mask was enough. So i go in the store and what do i see?

The others are still wearing a t-shirt and pants!

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/getonmylevel205
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Just got back from the grocery store they said all you need is gloves and a mask- they lied

everyone else was wearing clothes

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deepspacesquid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was paying for my groceries at the store when I realized I was short a few pennies.

I asked the cashier if they had a take-a-penny leave-a-penny. They said "No", to which I retorted "that doesn't make any cents".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nitevid
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Recent Trip to the Grocery Store

I was just in a checkout line at the grocery store and the man behind me was going on and on in broken English about being from some Neo-Mediterranean superpower. He got my attention, pointed to a newspaper above the belt, and asked what it was. I replied β€œIt’s the Times, New Roman.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FapAlbert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store

I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
[grocery store] Ok, milk...check, eggs...check, tomatoes...check.

β€œSir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report

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