I dont know it, but I thought umaido
However.
PunGent
Tried posting in Dad jokes sub and I guess it was the wrong place for a triple pun.
Which was handy.
A punisher
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
Pun-ctuality.
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
[removed]
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
βItβs to look at.β
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.
I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
...would be preposterous
I replied: βNo son, but have you seen my dad glasses?β
Me: "Word".
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
So I told him if he didnβt eat, his life would be at steak
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
Prime Rib!
The seasoned comedian at a night club was telling the new guy, βIf you want a good spot in the line up, youβll have to suck up to the club manager.β
βNo way! Iβm no brown noser. In fact, Iβm writing this into my next routine, thatβll show her.β
He went back to his room and started thinking and writing.
The next weekend the old comedian was surprised when the new guy was first up on stage. He went through his routine flawlessly, never saying a mean word against the clubβs manager... In fact he thanked her repeatedly.
The old comedian was astonished and asked, βWhat happened?β
βWell I wanted to stand my ground, ...but, um... bum kissedβ
It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario
Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
Looking at it now, I see why.
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
SON: Envelope.
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-Could you describe the symptoms?
-Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
>
Pungent.
