Why did the germaphobe go away to live by himself?
He wanted to be hermitically sealed.
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 12 2020
Why did the singer go by the name Afroman and not Afrowoman?
Because heβs a guy, because heβs a guy, because heβs a guy.
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 22 2020
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
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︎ Mar 23 2020
I told my wife that I donβt go by my real name while grilling
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 04 2020
I tried to burn my friend a new arsehole by slipping chili peppers into his food, but things didn't go as planned when he switched dishes on me.
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 08 2020
Where do you go if you want to stop a water flow by wedging in hundreds of small furry animals?
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 03 2020
When attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 24 2019
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. Theyβre going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 08 2019
About to go mow the grass after getting stung by a bee
Told my wife, "I hope I don't have any flash backs to Bee-ietnam"
My stuff is out on the street
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 25 2019
Johnny is in class learning about animals and the teacher asks, βcan anyone tell me what other name for dwarf goats go by?β Johnnyβs hand shot up:
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 01 2019
As my son was heading out to go camping, I advised him, "If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure theyβre the same."
"Then youβll have a match!"
π︎ 9
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︎ Jul 09 2019
Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, βHow do you know daddy?β
βBecause its tracks are still here!β
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︎ Apr 11 2018
Someone just asked the bus driver "Hey do you go by the High School?"
He said "No I go by Dave"
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 03 2019
What did King Richard the potato go by?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 16 2019
Wife: Just heard the mail truck go by
Me: Did you just assume itβs gender?
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 04 2018
My kid really needed to go to the bathroom, so I stopped by a corner store so he could go. 5 minutes later I see him being escorted out by police officers.
Kid crying: βWhat Iβm sorry what did I do wrong?! My dad told me to go take a leek!β
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 24 2018
What's a place built by man but no man can ever go there
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 13 2018
Waitress comes over to see if we are ready to order by saying "Are we good to go here?"
"No, actually we'd like to stay and eat"
π︎ 208
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︎ Mar 19 2017
If David Guetta reached his level of fame by raising himself by the bootstraps, does that make him a go-Guetta?
π︎ 10
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︎ Jun 14 2017
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︎ Jun 11 2015
I gotta go see a doctor. Seems every time I get stung by a bee, I get hives.
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 16 2017
If people named Friedrich go by Freddy for short, why don't people named Heinrich go by Heiny?
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 10 2015
Got dad joked by 13 yr old girl foster kid....Where do dogs hate to go shopping?
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 29 2016
I just couldn't let this joke go by
I found a apron at the store that had tomatoes in a mason jar and said " I can, because I can." So I took a picture and sent it to a friend.
- Me: (sent picture) I wanted to get this for you
- Her: Why would you get that for me? I don't can.
- Me: But don't you see? You can can!
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 15 2014
My dad's go to joke whenever we drive by a cemetery.
"You know why there is a fence around it? Because people are dying to get in"
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 28 2013
Daughter wants to go to the mall to by clothes
So she playfully asks,
"Daddy, on this fine afternoon I wish to shop for attire. May I borrow your car?"
And he says,
"In the car there's already a spare"
haaaaaaaaaaaaa
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 13 2014
"Hey Dad, can we go by Starbucks on the way home?"
Dad replies: "Sure! How much you think they want for it?"
....
haha, this exchange happened last month when i was home visiting and it still makes me laugh
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 26 2014
"The Days Go Passing By" A joke by my dad.
Lulu and Javier's last name is Diaz
Dad: Act 1- Lulu goes across the stage in a plane
Act 2- Javier goes across the stage in a plane
Act 3- Lulu and Javier both go across the stage in a plane.
What is the name of the play?
Me: I don't know, what?
Dad: "Los DIAZ Van Pasando" (which translates to "The Days Go Passing By")
Makes more sense in Spanish...
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︎ Jan 04 2014
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. Theyβre going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 05 2019
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. Theyβre going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'β
π︎ 27
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︎ Dec 31 2017
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