My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ‘€︎ u/joachim_s
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub.

The first guy says β€œLet’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, β€œThey won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: β€œSure they will, just follow my lead.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostPotency
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I just saw someone pass by a penny on the ground without picking it up

It just didn't make any cents!

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ‘€︎ u/Patmb97
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
🚨︎ report
My son always asks why I frown when we pass by a cemetery.

I tell him that it is because it's a grave site.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/bingomzan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Every time my grandpa and I pass by a cemetery...

Grandpa sees cemetery

Grandpa: Do you know why someone living in (random city's name) can't be buried here?

Me: I don't know, why?

Grandpa: Because they are living. chuckles to himself

I've heard it over 100 times and he always forgets I have heard it before.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ggersh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad pulled this one when we saw a BMW M5 pass by

-"Hey what car is that? I think it was an M5!"

-"Isn't that the British Secret Service?"

-"No, that's MI6."

-"No, you're not six, you're twenty!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/musicguy2341
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
🚨︎ report
I was passed by a truck full of donkeys on my way home

It was really hauling ass

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/CurGeorge8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Two tomatoes crossed the street. One got squashed by a car, the other one passed it and said:


πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkJT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them

Then one spine turns and says to the other β€œwe missed the bus!!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikoklis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were fighting once when Draco decided to curse Harry with a Hair Growing Spell that grows hair instantly. Ron passed by and said:

Hello Hairy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/SonEf_Adam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at work when i passed by the interviewer's office and saw a small bear walk out depressed, I went in and asked "Whats his deal?"

They said he wasn't Koalafied

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Waterburst789
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I passed by a 99 cent store

I said to my son β€œI’m going to open one of those stores, but it’s going to be called a dollar seven store.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Puppydog55
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"

He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScumbagCoov
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is Gandalf a terrible teacher?

He starts by telling you that you shall not pass.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/dave7243
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the largest type of bar?

a Bus Bar

random thought while being passed by a bus.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/palmvos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/Etereve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
The churches in Las Vegas

Did You Know…

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed In.

This is done by the chip monks.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The water vapor passed right by me.

It was a mist opportunity.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/jebjum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I was walking home and passed by a flock of noisy birds

It was a cacawphony

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/CzarMMP
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Everytime I cross a railroad I say, "I can tell a train has passed by here."

"I know that because I can see it's tracks."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nightman54
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Three sheep

A chef entered his kitchen one day struggling with holding onto a large pumpkin. He noticed three male sheep standing next to his oven. One of them had a collar on him with the letter β€œA” written on it. The second had a collar with β€œB” and the third had β€œC.” The chef didn’t know what to do with the sheep, and they were standing in front of the only place he could put the pumpkin down. He put the pumpkin on the first sheep’s head and nothing happened. He then put it on the second sheep’s head and again, nothing happened. He then put it on the third sheep’s head, and immediately the sheep started cooking a gourmet meal and swearing at anyone who passed by him.

That’s what happens when you put a gourd on ram C in the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
my wife & i have been missing our dog

our dog recently passed & my wife has been crying alot, i tried to cheer her up by finding ourselves an identical dog. she screamed at me, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacob_crozier
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandmother, a very devout member of the Spiritualist church, used to communicate with departed spirits at her congregation. Unfortunately, she passed away last week. By all accounts, it was a peaceful death.

Perhaps she'll be able to tell me herself at the funeral

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/boganic-alcoholic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Passing by a restaurant

Me and my father were driving down a street and he pointed out an obvious rip-off of Five Guys. It was a hamburger restaurant called Two Guys. I was a little peaved at them.

Dad: They're not even half the resturaunt Five Guys is.

It took me a minute.

πŸ‘︎ 528
πŸ‘€︎ u/waterdrop66
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
🚨︎ report
I pointed a tape gun at coworker as he passed by and shouted "Beep beep, you're speeding, sir. Gotta get you a ticket"

Coworker: "Nah, how you gonna prove it?"

Me: "Easy, I have it here on tape!"

πŸ‘︎ 356
πŸ‘€︎ u/majorpun
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
We were passing by a place called the Donut Bagel Cafe

My dad glances over and says "Be respectful, we're passing by a holey place."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/thelaserpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2016
🚨︎ report
When we passed by a cemetary...

Dad: How many people do you think are dead in there? Me: I don't know, maybe a few thousand? Dad: I'd probably say all of them.

He was cracking up.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ‘€︎ u/cawledgehawkey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Upon passing by the scene of a fender bender, my dad turns to me and says...

Hey look, those two strangers met by accident.

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ‘€︎ u/DamienLunas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
🚨︎ report
A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
People were looking for tickets at a concert by holding one finger in the we passed I would look up.

One dude got it, thus validating what I was doing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/jamcan162
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When passing by the French cafe...

Dad: "Ah man, this place gives me the crepes."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyei8hts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.

She’s still not talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnythingIsContent
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue

It's been a week and she's still not talking to me

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Obsidi3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Passing by a funeral home

People are dying to get in there.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ‘€︎ u/In_Da_Nile
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.