What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....
“Sir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies “Oh, that’s a freebie”
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
A German was given FL Studio.
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
No Concrete Answer Given.
Keep in mind that given all of this year's events, Thanksgiving dinner can get heated
It can get re-heated the next day as well
I've given up on reprimanding my floating safety markers
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
I've finally given up on finding a name for my window coverings made from bug spray...
I call the search Off! It's curtains for that quest!
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
When firefighters lose their jobs, are they fired or given the axe?
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?
An authoritative write winged government.
Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.
Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.
What do you call a warning given out by a rattlesnake?
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
What is a superhero name given to someone who never misses with a chalk?
Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy.
Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz.
If given a choice of eating a sandwich in the park or watching the Nickelodeon Network all day, what would you do?
I thought this was appropriate given our current circumstances. One of those jokes that makes you stop and chuckle.
At graduation the psychiatrist was given a wicker attache
It was his first basket case
I felt bad for eating my Jewish friend's coin shaped chocolate candy he had purchased to given his children at Hanukkah...
Pangs of gelt haunt me to this day!
I asked for 12 bees at my local pet store. The owner gave me 13 bees. I said “you’ve given me 1 to many!” The owner said...
...”That one is a freebie!”
I hpe he is happy (credits given in the post)
The COVID-19 quarantine has finally given me the chance to organize my books.
From best to toilet paper.
To all the women who have given birth to bring life into the world:
Thank you for your cervix.
Given the state of the world today , I don’t have Great Expectations for my children.
I got them all the other Dickens’ books though.
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it's naan-sense.
What did the ignorant man say when he heard the Corona virus had been given a new name by the world health organisation
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"
I said, "Yes. Steve."
She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
In a Spanish spelling bee for English words, the contestant is given the word “Socks”
The contestant spells it right and the judge replies:
“Eso si que es.
A dad is given bad news by a doctor...
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.
Dad: AND?
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”...
...is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Sitting in a presentation being given by mathematicians right now.
It is very by the numbers.
Imagine a world where monkeys have given up tobacco.
I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.
I just got given 7 parking tickets in 60 minutes
What do you call an otter who's just given birth?
Given my experience, I’m not the best at giving advice when it comes to tequila.
So you all have to take it with a grain of salt.
Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should be given a no-bell prize
My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but was not given the gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.
What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?
My friend Ty came first in a swimming competition in Beijing, but he wasn’t given a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname "Mr. Compromise."
It wasn't my first choice, but I'm ok with
it.
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