Front Yard Puns

Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path

I’m not a huge fan of the bark

“COVID19 DAY20

Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know”

The hitman asked: 'what do you want me to do after the job is done?' The mafia boss replied: 'I want you to go bury tree bodies.'

Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.

...Like some Lawn Enforcement Officer.

Yard Art is strictly prohibited.

But my HOA informed me that they don't allow sod-off shotguns.

It was very much gay mower

I told her: "But honey, you told me to MOO the lawn!"

A small group of calves were munching on my front flower beds, and mooving slowly towards the woods. Thought about calling the cops to report a bunch of mooligans, but I didn't really have a beef with them. Haven't seen hide nor hair of them since!

I don’t earn much, but I make dew.

They're calling it 'Mulan".

Because it leaves a lot to be desired

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

So my front yard has a lot of weeds and crappy grass I've been trying to get rid of for years. They're mutants, so nothing will kill them. This year, one of the decorative rocks has turned out to be covered by a giant shroom as well. This thing is enormous. It has about a hundred different canopies, but as far as I can tell it's all one organism.

So I was talking with her about things I might be able to use to get rid of all this stuff, shroom included, and after she suggested a mixture of various household products I asked if it would work on fungus as well. She said it was worth a shot and asked why I wanted to know.

I replied, "Because that thing's just taking up way too mush room."

I was over it in a few seconds, but she's been randomly cracking up for days now. Send help.

She opens the front door and there is a huge log on a chain contraption that can ram castle gates.  Confused, she looks past the medieval device to see her boyfriend standing in the front yard surrounded by dozens of male sheep and holding two tickets to skybox seats for football in Los Angeles.

He holds his arms wide and asks, "what do you think?"

She smiles and says, "Thank you for the rams but all I want for Christmas is ewe."

There's this new machine that lets fathers experience the pain of child birth. A couple tried it out...

On the 25% setting the husband didn't feel anything even though the mother's pain eased.

Surprised, they turn it up to 50%. The wife felt less pain and amazingly the husband felt nothing.

The machine was turned up to 100% and the mother gave a pain-free birth to two beautiful twins.

They returned home the next day to find the mailman dead in the front yard.

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"

"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)

"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."

"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."

"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."

"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."

"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"

"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."

"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"

"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."

"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."

"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

There's this crackhead in my neighborhood who is so skinny, everyone calls him "Ribs." Overall he's pretty harmless, but one day we were sitting in the front yard with our toddler in the playpen and he wanted to make the case that we should hire him to babysit. He picked up my son and started making his pitch. Most people would probably freak out as this point, but I just calmly looked at him and said politely, "I want my baby back, Ribs."

So my parents bought a new house, and they are in the process of moving in.

He wants to get some greenery for the front yard, so we're at Home Depot.

He's looking at something, I don't know what, and he makes the comment, "this is almost the exact same thing that we have at the old house, and I love it."

I ask him, "why didn't you like my idea of transplants from the old one to the new house, then?"

Deadpan he replies, "Jay, you know I don't care about a plants sexual orientation or gender."

Seriously, my father, ladies and gentlemen.

Walking with the wife this morning and saw someone quickly walking away from a front yard with his hood up and carrying a young palm tree. It was about 4 ft tall with its leaves and branches well over the guy's head. Palm trees can be expensive, so we thought this guy was stealing it. The wife said, "huh, that's a little suspicious." I corrected her: "yeah, that guy looked a little shady." Now I walk alone.

At the tee box about 15 yards in front of us were some ducks. I teed off and hit the ball fairly low and came pretty close to hitting one. My dad said, "good thing he ducked to get out of the way."

I was in the fenced in side yard grilling some chicken for dinner. I had the kids in the front yard playing. I told my wife I put them out there so they wouldn't get all up in my grill.

When I was a young boy, I was playing in my front yard with my brother. A man in a van pulled up and asked us to help him find his puppy. My brother, being older and wiser, ran inside. I, however, fell for the prank and hopped in the van, eager to find the dog. The man became hostile and I quickly realized he was kidnapping me. I had to think fast. I was panicking.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" I shouted loudly.

The man was unhappy, but took us to a gas station so that I could go. He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and sternly said "If you're up to anything, I'll kill you! Don't say anything to anybody. You better come right back!"

I went into the bathroom and looked around. A window! I quickly scrambled on top of the toilet and popped the window open. I hauled myself up to the opening and began to pull myself out and to freedom when a hand grabbed my foot! It was the man! He began pulling my leg...

Just like I'm pulling yours.

Had a dream where for some reason I dug up a fish from my front yard that was kind of weird looking but alive I went to the sink and washed all the dirt off while explaining to my mom what happened. All I hear from the other room is my dad yelling "what is it, a landshark?" I woke myself up from laughter

Group text with the family.

Dad: Did the dog find any golden nuggets in the front yard?

Brother: Nope. Not this time. Hunting and tracking takes patients dad.

Dad: He gets his patients from me.

Me: But you're not a doctor.

as she opens the front door to leave for work

Her - Oh no! It's frosty!

Me - Oh no! What is a snowman doing in our front yard!?

she rolled her eyes and walked out

He and his cousins found a stray dog. They picked him up by the tail and poured gasoline down his butt. The dog freaks out and starts running around the yard. He ran around the house two or three times and suddenly stopped right in front of him and that was the end of the story.

So everyone is appauled because that's insanely cruel and my dad is not that type of man. So we ask if the dog died.

"No, he just ran out of gas"

This morning while cleaning up the front yard, I overheard this short, but amazing exchange between my mother and father.

Mom: "Hey dad, did you see new sedum I planted? It looks amazing!"

Dad: "I know! I sedum, but I just can't believe 'em!"

My mother then dropped her trowel and walked back inside. Great job, dad.

She went out to the front yard and came back in after she picked up a few twigs to throw away.

I asked her "Is it sticky outside?"

Wife (not catching the joke) "Not really too bad"

My daughter got it, though: "Ugh, Dad"

I was sat a few seats away from a man and his son/grandson and he was testing the kid on his math.

Man: "what's 2+2"
Kid: "4"
Man: "what's 4+4"
Kid: "8"
Man: what's 8+8"
Kid: "16"

This continued all the way up to 2048

Man: "okay then... if you have two yards, what have you got?"
Kid: "umm.... two metres?... a metre?"
Man: "no, you have a back yard and a front yard"

I let out a little chuckle but the kid didn't seem to enjoy it as much

This morning my father was trimming the hedge in the front yard as I mowed the lawns. He called me over, it sounded important.

Dad: "If I were to pay someone to practice hegemony* on this hedge, because I don't want to do it myself, where would they put the funds?" Me: "Hedge fund. Good one."

• I don't think he actually knows what that word means.

My apologies for this joke having a long lead up, but stay with me for a second and you'll understand. With the Ontario provincial elections having come and gone, it had reminded me of this getting dad joked by my uncle and a bit of underlying sarcasm that goes along with politics and the voting process. I was at my uncles farm and we were setting up for some target practice for my son and his buddy. My uncle says to me go into the shop there in the left front corner and grab one of those targets I have. As I execute my search for such item I see that they are old politic yard signs with paper targets stapled over top. I come out teasing my uncle that it looks like he's now supporting the green party, to which he reply's (queue dad joke).....

"Figured Id give 'em a shot"

Now let that sink in like I had too!

Damn he's good, and at age 78 Im totally impressed!

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words