My friend was explaining at length about how he was digging holes in his back yard for water.

He was boring.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I have a back yard like Greta Garbo

It wants to be a lawn

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nico735
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....

Those were the GOODYEARS.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffro4140
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Do you all remember being in the back yard and dad pushing you in the tire swing?

Those were Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/konajones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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If I grow peppers from other countries in my back yard

Is it horticultural appropriation?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stupidlyugly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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We tried planting some herbs in the back yard.

The basil has done fine, the other died. I turned to my wife and said, β€œwell, there’s no thyme in quarantine!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KeepTheFaith613
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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I thought I found a dinosaur bone in my back yard

... but it was a fossil arm.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmo78
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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What is Irish and sits in the back yard?

Patty O'Furniture..

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lavacadotoast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard?

...neither did she

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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My son learned about radioactive decay in chemistry class, he was real excited when he got home and had a million questions. He wanted to build a reactor in the back yard. I told him we couldn’t. β€œWhat, are you not smart enough?”

β€œNo U”

I’ll see myself out.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
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I mowed the front yard and about half of the back and got burrs all over my clothes

I told my boyfriend that after he finishes the yard, I would wash his clothes (which will also be covered in burrs) and mine in one load. He said his won't have very many burrs since I got the tallest stuff but that he would put his clothes in with mine anyway so they could share the burrden.

I hope this counts as a dadjoke!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubberduh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre started growing marijuana in their back yard

It was a joint venture.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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Arrived home from a weekend trip to find a dead crow in the back yard.

Wife: What is that? Me: A dead crow. Wife: What! How did it get there? How did it die? Me: Well, I just see one, so I don't think it was a murder.....

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
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Did you hear about the dismembered bear a guy found in his back yard?

It was a grizzly sight

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrpn17w
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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In a village, far far away, two farmers often had a competition within themselves to see who harvests the most every 6 months.

After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...

"You reap what you saw".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiSatthar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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I asked my priest for advice

My buddy has a bad back so I often go over his house to help his wife with yard work or moving furniture, etc. Currently, were all home because of the quarantine so it seems like the perfect time to get some things done.

Well, I've been isolated for a week and I have no reason to think I've been exposed, but I was a little anxious cause I have had a bit of a scratchy throat these past two days.

So I asked my priest if he thought it was okay to go over and help my buddy's wife with some yard work.

He replied, "do not covid your neighbors wife."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerHikes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Time to switch from Scott Paper to Scott ...

Joplin, and collect some Maple Leaf Rag from the back yard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RooibosCeleryTea
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Husband just dropped this on our son.

For context we have a pair of Guinea fowl and a pair of pheasants that have a coop in our back yard.

5 year old son, husband and I discussing our birds. Son: So are our birds married? Me: Yes, didn't you get an invitation? Son: No. Maybe there wasn't room in their coop. Husband: I heard the officiant was a cardinal, and the live entertainment was flock of seagulls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brittanymow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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Urban farming

My neighbor just told my husband that she’s going to get some chickens in her back yard. My husband replied β€œCool. Sooooooo... you’re going to be a chicken tender.” She just kept on babbling about it, and I can’t stop smiling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lorettarebelle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Eating clouds

When my twin boys were 2 or 3 I used to jump off of the picnic table in the back yard and pull a piece of cloud (marshmallow) off and hand it to them. I asked them about it several years later and they remember me actually jumping into the sky and that the marshmallow was actually a piece of cloud. It’s amazing how the mind works.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfieldspa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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There's this crackhead in my neighborhood...

There's this crackhead in my neighborhood who is so skinny, everyone calls him "Ribs." Overall he's pretty harmless, but one day we were sitting in the front yard with our toddler in the playpen and he wanted to make the case that we should hire him to babysit. He picked up my son and started making his pitch. Most people would probably freak out as this point, but I just calmly looked at him and said politely, "I want my baby back, Ribs."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
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Construction with dad

Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.

"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"

"No, a fence."

"None taken."

He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."

πŸ‘︎ 492
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekhnomancer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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My sister is a dad

Talking about some dead trees in her back yard

"It just killed the evergreens...

Now they're everbrown."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StillUnbroke
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2015
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I dad-joked a Yellow Jacket on his deathbed

I was sitting in the back yard with a friend, when we notice this yellow jacket on the ground. He's crawling around and something is obviously wrong, as he can't fly and was making slow, pained movements around a plastic spoon.

My friend says "Should we help him?"

I replied, "Maybe we can take him to the wasp-ital..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gopperman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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Racked up a few points on this one.

I was talking to a friend till early in the morning when suddenly there was a huge thud and it scared her, when she went to investigate she saw a very confused deer in her back yard who had somehow hit the side of the house while running from something.

Her: it's seriously a deer, it looks hurt. How did it hit my house?

Me: maybe he's drunk.

Her: yeah, the deer is drunk.

Me: yeah! he spent his last few bucks at the bar!

Her: ...stop.

Still proud of it.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toddafer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
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So, my dad and I were talking about birds today..

and the fact that there is a giant artificially planted tree in our back yard that is going to get too big to support itself eventually, or whatever, and we'd have to cut it down. I said we'd have to relocate the birds that have made a home in our tree first, naturally, or wait for them to leave. He said "how are you going to relocate the birds? You can't just send them an email and be like 'be out of here by next Thursday'." There was a pause, and moments later he says "oh you know what to do. " "You send them a tweet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehfrog729
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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My mum wants to plant a mandarin tree

My parents were discussing what fruit tree to grow in the back yard.

Mum: I want a mandarin tree.

Dad: Do you want to know what tastes better than eating a mandarin? .. Eating Amanda out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanSurvey
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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The look on my mom's face was priceless.

Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, "Well, aren't you Poplar today? Leaf me alone and go check your phone." I laughed my ass off, as did he. She was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaaryk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
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My dad is the epitome of this subreddit, so I want to share one of his ultimate go-to stories:

When I was a young boy, I was playing in my front yard with my brother. A man in a van pulled up and asked us to help him find his puppy. My brother, being older and wiser, ran inside. I, however, fell for the prank and hopped in the van, eager to find the dog. The man became hostile and I quickly realized he was kidnapping me. I had to think fast. I was panicking.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" I shouted loudly.

The man was unhappy, but took us to a gas station so that I could go. He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and sternly said "If you're up to anything, I'll kill you! Don't say anything to anybody. You better come right back!"

I went into the bathroom and looked around. A window! I quickly scrambled on top of the toilet and popped the window open. I hauled myself up to the opening and began to pull myself out and to freedom when a hand grabbed my foot! It was the man! He began pulling my leg...

Just like I'm pulling yours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sparty_party
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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While driving my mom on Mother's Day

Context to the story: My mom is getting some work done in her backyard. Trees are being removed and they are digging to put an in ground pool in.

Story: Mom and I are driving back from an outing for Mother's Day. We are talking about the back yard and the work getting done.

Mom: When the pool gets put in I'll be dirt poor.

Me: But right now you're dirt rich!

Mom:look of disappointment

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/balmung5000
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
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I thought it was funny, even if she didn't get it

My kids wanted to camp in the back yard. My wife set the tent up while I was at work and expected me to sleep outside with them. I had to work the next morning. My wife was going to camp with them instead.

For reference, I call my daughter my princess and me and my wife have a queen size bed.

Daughter:(trying to talk me into camping with them)If you don't sleep outside you won't get to snuggle with your princess! Me: it's ok, I'll have a queen all to myself. Wife:groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoveLikeMacgyver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2015
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My mother thought she would be safe in the garden...

This morning while cleaning up the front yard, I overheard this short, but amazing exchange between my mother and father.

Mom: "Hey dad, did you see new sedum I planted? It looks amazing!"

Dad: "I know! I sedum, but I just can't believe 'em!"

My mother then dropped her trowel and walked back inside. Great job, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snazzlo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2015
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My dad never misses an opportunity

My mom is a recovering stroke victim and walked with one of those four-pronged canes. she came inside and realized on of the rubber pad things fell off the cane in the yard. I ran outside to find it. When I came back in, I yelled "I found the rubber!" To which my father replied "Good. We wouldn't want her having unprotected steps!"

Buh-dum chhh!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeglessPete
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my wife this morning...

She went out to the front yard and came back in after she picked up a few twigs to throw away.

I asked her "Is it sticky outside?"

Wife (not catching the joke) "Not really too bad"

My daughter got it, though: "Ugh, Dad"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hamlet_d
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Overheard a good one in the waiting room

I was sat a few seats away from a man and his son/grandson and he was testing the kid on his math.

Man: "what's 2+2"
Kid: "4"
Man: "what's 4+4"
Kid: "8"
Man: what's 8+8"
Kid: "16"

This continued all the way up to 2048

Man: "okay then... if you have two yards, what have you got?"
Kid: "umm.... two metres?... a metre?"
Man: "no, you have a back yard and a front yard"

I let out a little chuckle but the kid didn't seem to enjoy it as much

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benji9t3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2014
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My younger sister was asking my dad for a juicy story.

Dad: "One day I went to the back yard and picked some oranges and brought them inside and made some juice."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marrockon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Got dadjoked by my mom

A crow landed in our back yard this morning > Mom: hey look! A scare crow!

> Me: that's not a scarecrow. It's just a crow.

> Mom : well that crow certainly scares me!

Edit: formatting

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brizzlebrand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
🚨︎ report
The Summer Food Fight

I was in my young punk phase, couldn't have been more than 13, and I was at a friend's house for a pool day. Being the little shit that I was, I started a fight with my buddy just to start one. The fight escalated to the point where we were throwing oranges at each other from the yard. The fruit trees were very special to my friend's Dad, and I knew this. The fight got out of hand and the oranges were everywhere. This was bad. I ended up running away.

Of course I got in trouble and the next day I had to return to clean up. I was terrified. I mean, my friend's Dad was always a nice guy, but I'd never seen him this pissed... We destroyed his prized trees! I had no idea what I was walking into. I went up to the door, rang the bell and braced myself for the worst. My friend's Dad opened the door with a smirk on his face and said: "Orange you glad to be here?"

Somehow I knew the joke gave him greater satisfaction than having his oranges back. From that day forward I respected the shit out of that backyard.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/t3rces
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
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Got dadjoked at work today

I work at in a lumber yard and a customer got me today. I asked an older gentleman today if he was looking for anything specific. He told me he was looking for a 2 by 4 and asked if we cut them. I told him that we do and asked how long he wanted it. He said "well it's going in my wall so I'd like it for a long time." I groaned but got him back when I cut it. I cut it twice, looked at him and said "I don't know what happened, I cut it twice and it's still too short." We had a good laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jkeezay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? No?

Neither did she.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suddu0597
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report

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