Even if you use fresh water in a water gun...

It's still assault water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cindolintoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because if they lived in pepper water, they would sneeze.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maxterchief99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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What’s the difference between a creek and a crick?

A creek is a small body of flowing fresh water. A crick is the sound a Japanese camera makes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tor1991
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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Had a great one at work that nobody will know about

Alright so quick synopsis of what I do for a living is treating industrial waste water for oil fields. Part of our process is removing solids from the water and using a hydraulic press to squeeze the water out of it and dispose of the dry cakes. Once a day, a waste company rolls in large trucks to remove the big bins where we store the cakes, and put in fresh ones.

Today I was talking with the driver of the truck as he replaced my last bin. I wished him well on the road since we live in California and lordy knows nobody understands how to drive in the rain. As I was turning away from him I said

"If you'll excuse me, I have more pressing matters to attend to."

And immediately started up the steps to our press building, laughing the entire time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSV_Kearsarge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
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Dad-joked my tea-drinking coworker.

Coworker was putting fresh water in her tea, which was too strong for her.

Me: Soooo...if you were to chart the level of flavor in tea vs. the amount of time you left the bag in the cup, would you end up with a steep curve?

Coworker: Stare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindfire40
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Escalade

How do you make an Escalade?

Two cups of water, two tablespoons of sugar, and one freshly squeezed escal.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggnog1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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My dad just dropped this one...

I'm staying with my parents this weekend, and my Dad was walking over to the fridge to get some water for some little kids they were watching.

"Who wants some fresh squeezed earth juice?"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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