Ballsy vasectomy ads get foul call from NCAA arstechnica.com/science/2…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreySkies19
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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Foul
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itswhatitisbro
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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Why don’t vampires feel bad about the foul things they do?

They’re incapable of reflection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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We’re you aware that the NFL has a rule on professional athletes and the animals they can own as pets? They are prohibited from owning a duck as a pet!

It’s considered a foul

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OH-Beans
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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"He's the most foul mouthed person to ever live!" screamed the scientist who cloned himself and later tried to throw the clone off the roof.

He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Which Appliance has the most foul mouth?

The Washing machines it has Loads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteaminScaldren
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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What do you call a foul-mouthed dessert?

CUSStard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ace_ace_baby
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Taking them down
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pepeistheboi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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Announcers: "And a foul was called on the drive."

Dad: "It wasn't a foul on the drive, it was a foul on the player. Idiots."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mewurby
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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How much laundry does the foul mouthed housekeeper do?

...A sheet load

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I ate some expired chicken recently

It sure tasted foul

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maaaaatt214
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

[from NPR -- http://www.npr.org/2016/11/23/503178220/president-obamas-2016-turkey-pardon-dad-jokes-the-definitive-list?utm_source=facebook.com

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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I’m being haunted by a dead chicken!!

It’s a poultrygiest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingChef
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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What do you get when you cross a chicken and a skunk?

A foul smell.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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My friend and I went to a basketball game dressed like dancing chickens, and got immediately escorted out of the arena.

Because two flagrant fowls means an automatic ejection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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I asked a soldier what his rank was.

Him: "It's private."
Me: "No, it's okay, you can tell me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeping_pegasus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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The jokes about uranus are always shitty
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Did hear the joke about the two ducks?

It’s quakers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WistedTwizard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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Scientists have finally figured out why, when geese flying in 'V' formation, one side is longer than the other.

That side has more geese in it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/writechriswrite
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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My friend used to eat feathers

She quit after she got down in the dumps.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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There was a suspicious β€˜accident’ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .

It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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Why are chickens banned from church?

They use foul language.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueMeteor134
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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The criminal charge

A young lady had a problem because this other gal looked almost exactly like her, but had a nasty vocabulary. Nobody wanted to be around her anymore because the foul-mouthed girl really harmed her reputation.

So the lady in question decided to push the foul-mouthed look-alike off of the top roof of the Empire State Building. However, after doing this, she was soon arrested. Guess what she was charged with?

Making an obscene clone fall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Got my wife with a few in a row while my daughter was at her dance class..

So, my wife was telling about how disappointed she was at our kindergartener's "Spring Fling" party this year. She described this one "activity" Where the kids throw a roll of toilet paper and try to ring a toilet.

I remarked "Wow.. that -is- pretty shitty!" And she scolded me for using foul language. "Yea.. sorry for the potty mouth... I'll water it down next time.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances

They said it smells like Foul Play

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riptide747
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Was cooking chicken this afternoon to use in a recipe for dinner.

Husband: β€œWhat’s cooking?”

Me: β€œChicken.”

Husband: β€œSmells foul”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/animomma
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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I need to learn how to cook chicken better

It keeps tasting foul

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackWebber85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2018
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What call did the ref make when the basketball player smelled?

A fragrant foul

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HHStorm21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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Fried Ice Cream

Sister in law was watching my kids and my wife and I went out for dinner. Sent her a picture of my wife's dessert and the following conversation happened.

Me: Mmmmmmmmm Fried Ice Cream

S-I-L: Ugh haven't had that in forever!

Me: It's green tea ice cream. How long has that been?

SIL: Never tried green tea ice cream. But I love fried ice cream. Well, I use to anyway haha. Nothing tastes the same since I had kids.

Me: Yeah, that's why I never ate my kids. Leaves a foul taste in your mouth forever.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoPhilly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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I was at the Tigers game last night

I was sitting in some beautiful seats, just past third base down on ground level. A good spot for some foul balls.

After several whiffs, one finally gets close enough to my father, which he promptly takes in the ribs instead of catching, and like before, the bat boy runs by to pick up the ball - only this time he doesn't throw it back into the crowd. Makes our whole section upset (that, and all the beer we were drinking) so he gets booed every time he walks by now.

The dad joke, however, comes from the guy behind me.

"That kid better watch out...I'm gonna talk to his dad. Batman!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/d4ed4e
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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My wife caught me having sex with an amputee

But like I always say "no arm, no foul"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tuckereh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2017
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Last night LeBron James purposely farted on a referee...

He was given a fragrant foul.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hexyl68
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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My dad got me good as a kid...

I was told this belonged here..

When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, "ooohhh....", and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, "SAFE!"

After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response... "Hey, I could've called you 'out!'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beer_knurd
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
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Heard a dad joke watching the football game today

A flag was thrown for un-sportsman like conduct on the coach of one team

Announcer 1: It did't look like the the coach did anything to get the flag thrown.

Announcer 2: But we couldn't hear the language that was being used by the coach, that could have drawn the foul.

Announcer 1: I believe the coach was using english.

I laughed hysterically.

Edit: formating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarycloud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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My dad made a fowl joke at dinner

Today at the dinner table, my family and I were discussing wine when my brother says "Yes, but I find wine to be foul!"

My dad, from across the table chimes in "I personally find chicken to be fowl."

A wave of groans and chuckles ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryan722
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2016
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The Swearing Snake

It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.

The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.

The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.

Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.

Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.

About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.

"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.

"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.

"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."

"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unibod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
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Just got my wife and infant son with this one...

After a feeding, my beautiful wife went to burp our seven month old son. He let out a gnarly burp, right in her face, to which she said, "Ew. That burp was foul, kid."

I replied with, "Did you feed him chicken salad?"

A delayed, angry smirk was a welcomed response.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SU55
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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Mom breaking out a joke at lunch

Me: "Something is wrong with this pork, it's foul."

My mom: "Don't be silly, only birds are fowl."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Genetic_Medic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2015
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That baby eat meat?

My sister-in-law is feeding my 7 month old nephew. My dad says "Do you feed him any meats yet?" She says "We have chicken and rice and chicken and sweet potatoes." Dad replies with "That's all foul meat." Bazzzing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IglooThomas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2015
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I cringed at myself.

Driving home with my son today from his basketball game, he was a little upset because he was ejected for too many fouls. On our way home he asked me if we could have chicken for dinner. " I think we're all fowled out."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jretribe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
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Did you hear about the chicken farm that was vandalised?

The cops believe there was foul play

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wearegeelong
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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Sports Dad Joke

I was playing a stupid little game with around a dozen kids on each team. One kid on my team tripped a kid on their team, and started yelling "Foul!" So I replied

"Ref, that team is using foul language!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coffeechipmunk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
🚨︎ report
President Obama's 2016 Turkey-Pardon Dad Jokes: The Definitive List

[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]

The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.

"It is my great privilege β€” well, it's my privilege β€” actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.

Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."

And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:

"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."

"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just us, every year. No way I'm cutting this habit cold turkey."

"Tater is here in a backup role just in case Tot can't fulfill his duties. So he's sort of like the vice turkey. We're working on getting him a pair of aviator glasses."

"I want to take a moment to recognize the brave turkeys who weren't so lucky. Who didn't get to ride the gravy train to freedom. Who met their fate with courage and sacrifice and proved that they weren't chicken."

[After touting positive economic indicators and the low uninsured rate] "That's worth gobbling about."

"We should also make sure everyone has something to eat on Thanksgiving. Of course, except the turkeys, because they're already stuffed."

"When somebody at your table tells you that you've been hogging all of the side dishes, you can't have any more, I hope that you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of a hungry people: 'Yes, we cran.' "

"Look, I know there are some bad ones in here, but this is the last time I'm doing this, so we're not leaving any room for leftovers."

"And now from the Rose Garden, Tater and Tot will go to their new home at Virginia Tech, which is admittedly a bit hokey." (The Hokies are the Virginia Tech mascot.)

"And so let's get on with the pardoning. Because it's Wednesday afternoon and everyone knows that Thanksgiving traffic can put people in a foul mood."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/see2keroppi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
🚨︎ report

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