When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zagmut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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You guys are filthy

I mean, most of you haven't showered since last year!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theDwarfed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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Why is the White House so filthy?

Because there's hasn't been a hoover in the White House since 1933.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wackyzebra43
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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What's the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rfdyl12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Ya filthy animal
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliver_billz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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Why did members of the Wu Tang Clan storm out of Danny's Filthy, Aged Seafood?

They didn't appreciate their fish coming with a side of an old, dirty bass turd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AsherFischell
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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My wife threatened to leave me over my "filthy and disgusting habits".

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2017
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I booked a table at a new restaurant, but when we arrived we discovered it was filthy.

Despite my reservations, we ate there anyway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phillepips
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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Why did the pirate call you a filthy landlubber

Because Yarrr

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jawknee_homicide
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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This is my best pick-up line
πŸ‘︎ 575
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rukhnul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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How rich are garbage men?

Filthy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sirpeterdick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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I met a homeless man named Rich

He wasn't

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greg_or_y
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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The ACTUAL holy crossover avent
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TittenTatten
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2018
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Why can cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Happy Father’s Day ya filthy animals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jetmover78
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I'm not a dad, but I pulled this on my sister and achieved a groan. So here it is!

*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.

Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"

Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."

Me: "Then don't open the door!"

Sis: *groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chanzy94
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyesboyee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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Why do I put a condom on my debit card?

Filthy slots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rippegari
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?

A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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What do you call someone who makes ineffective soap?

A filthy lyer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoodermemes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Sometimes when I’m sad I get an erection....

I call that my mourning wood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaggyoda
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole's Law is?

It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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Why some mobsters prefer not to laundry their dirty money?

They want to be filthy rich.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WenDMegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was 'outstanding'.

Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnydarko-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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I need a seven-letter word describing constipation... N _ _ _ _ _ N

Ngggghn!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billdanbury
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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My wife brought me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said, "I'll take either/oar."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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19 and 20 got into a fight

21

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconpopsicle23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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I know no one asked for it, but here is my two cents on Donald Trump being elected

http://imgur.com/a/1w50T

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πŸ‘€︎ u/senor-scholls
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
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You think 2016 can't get worse, then Wham!

Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phantom0591
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
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Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmcbacon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2013
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is a filthy, slimy, scum-sucking bottom-dweller and the other is a fish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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My wife and I were having an argument while she was applying a mud pack.

You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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My dog was chewing on the dining room leg

So I told him "hey, just because it's A table doesn't make it E table"

The filthy look he gave me made me think this qualifies as a dad joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Puskathesecond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
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Egalitarian Punctuation

I work in IT at a university, and I was requested to update a template email my office sends out to prospective students. Whenever I start an email, I always begin with the salutation "Hello [student name]. With a full stop period.

Among the other changes requested, folk wanted me to change the period to a comma, because it "looks better" or something. I don't know.

After a bit of back and forth, I gave in and said "Fine. I'll give in to your filthy comma-unist ways." Many groans were had all around the office.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crepusculi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
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Monopoly

Mom: go inside, take your shoes off and go right in the shower you're filthy! Dad: can I pass GO and collect $200?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomTheWhale
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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Boyfriend's clever dad-joke strategy for dealing with my complaining.

After spending an hour cleaning a filthy fridge for the second time in three weeks, I was irritable and complaining loudly about all the nasty leftovers left in there. My boyfriend, trying to be cute, opens up a jar of pickled okra and puts one into my mouth mid-sentence...

Him: "Here have some."

Me: Sigh "Okay..."

Him: It's hard to argue with pickled okra...

...because it doesn't talk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/navkat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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A police officer while out on patrol

A police officer, while out on patrol, pulls a brand new sports car over for speeding. He walks up to the car and sees a large, dirty pig in the passenger seat. The cop says to the guy driving "Why do you have a huge, filthy pig in this brand new car?" The guy says to the officer, "I don't know what to do. My father just closed his farm and sold the land, and gave me his prized pig. His farm was the last in the county, and I live in a small house. I have no idea what to do with this pig!" The officer then says to the guy, "Well, take him to the zoo!" The guys eyes brighten and thanks the officer for the brilliant idea. The officer lets the guy go, and off they drive to the zoo. A week later the same police officer is on patrol when he sees the same new sports car. He pulls the car over and walks up to it only to see the same pig in the passenger seat. "What are you doing?" says the officer, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" "I did," says the guy, "and he had so much fun, I am taking him to the movies."

That was one of the two jokes my dad told me all the time when I was a kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyesick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TarantulaPets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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How rich are garbage men?

There filthy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miguel7776
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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How rich are garbage men

There filthy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miguel737
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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How rich are garbage men?

Filthy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjkdash12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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