I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.

She thinks that I'm a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elasmotheriums
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can’t any T-Rex catch a football?

They’re all dead

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueBoltDog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
David Beckham’s son arrived for football training.

He asked the coach, β€œWhat number shirt am I?”

The coach said β€œWear four out there, Romeo”.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calla89
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My octopus got loose in a football field.

It took ten tackles to catch him.

(not sure if this has been said before, but I just thought of it)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brandspanker95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Results are in from the Musketeers Football League:

4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-1
4-4

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Advaldinho
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has just left me because of my obsession with football...

Shame really, we've only been married for 2 seasons.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The leper football game was cancelled.

Turns out there was a face off in the corner.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Who goes on adventures with Lara Croft but is also pretty good at American Football?

Tomb Raidy

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.

I said, β€œOi, what’s your game?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are football stadiums so cool?

Because every seat has a fan in it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperGrandPatzer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the football player go to the bank?

To get his Quarter Back!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avahlkyrie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I never played football but people used to call me Messi.

Ah! I guess, I should clean my room.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elonlawn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy I know just bought a bunch (almost a shit-ton) of soft foam footballs and kerosene...

I think his plans are Nerfarious.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't football players get hot?

Because of all the fans.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeyadinho
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?

They went into ogre time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/motobuddha
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Saying Tom Brady is the greatest football player in history isn’t just a hyperbole...

It’s a superbole.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What will you call a football club of Chickens?

KFC

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbsxact7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends won't let me play football with them after I suffered a charley-horse

They said I cramp their style

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dvd86er
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a stuffed toy pig when throw like a football?

Spiral ham.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MahlonMurder
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,

"You've broken your hand."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s a football fan’s favorite food for the big game?

Cup of soup or bowl

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A football player steals houses...

He took all of Patrick's Mahomes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was Cinderella terrible at football?

Because she kept running away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin!

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nCRedditor-21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I turned up at the fancy dress party dressed as a football.

I was immediately kicked out.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Conversation with my 2y old son: What will happen if the moon falls down? Me: Hmm. Maybe we can play football with it?

Son: Nah. The moon has no legs.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strungen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Two flies are playing football on a saucer

They’re practicing for the cup

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matt3526
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the octopus that played football?

He had ten-tackles!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Some of my classmates after the football match between Barcelona and Bayern Munich
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrnGediTYa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is it always so drafty in football stadiums?

Because of all the fans.

Hm. This might be funnier after social distancing measures are safely eased.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was playing football with my younger cousin earlier today

Unfortunately, I kicked it too hard and it broke the window. We called the repair guy and, apparently when he came two hours later, the window was still in pane.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wavykevy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the head coach of the Kansas City football team?

Commander in Chiefs.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"

GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did I tell you about my wife who plays football?

Yeah, she's a keeper

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-starwing-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
There was so much water on the pitch of my daughter's football match this morning.

They needed to bring on the Sub early.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when playing football as well as when asking a girl out?

A hard pass.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kable1202
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Now that Football is back!

What would William Perry’s nickname be, if he played for the LV Raiders?

Fridgerator Raider

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZBO7984
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is the world's best, but un-tidiest, football player?

Messi

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Two flies playing football on saucer. One says to the other.....

I am playing in the cup tommorow.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is Cinderella bad at football?

Because she’s always running away from the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 260
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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