First Edition Puns

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I can’t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter it’s brought.

Basically I fear the wurst.

Edit: thanks for my first award ya loonies ;)

Because the chicken had the day off.

Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.

Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)

But they definitely know how to ride

Edit: First time post here, just felt like horsing around

I’ll beheading there shortly

Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!

I yelled out, "Oasis!"

Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!

The first bird said to the second bird "Do you smell fish?"

Edit: oh wow, platinum! TYVM!

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldn’t smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.

Chip off the old block she is!

Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!

He nuts and bolts!

Edit: wow! My first Silver. You guys are amazing.

Now I have to ketchup.

edit: my boyfriend is incredibly proud of his joke so this became my first reddit post

You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom."

Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone.

Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award.

Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "I’ve seen it a few times but no doubt many people haven’t. No reason a good joke can’t be posted bc someone’s posted it in the past."

Edit 4: making too many edits but thanks for the gold kind stranger (And all of them means alot)

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Edit: Wow! My first Silver and my first Gold! I am honored. What an amazing community. It's a great place to visit after a challenging day.

Address

Edit: Wow! I never thought my first award would be for a dad joke. Thanks anonymous redditor.

Telepathetic

Edit: How tf this is my first post that blew over 1k!!

So I sent him a “get well soon” card.

EDIT: HOLY my first award! Thankyou stranger!

Daughter: Dad, are you smart?

Me: Yes.

Daughter: Spell it.

Me: S-M-A-R-T

Daughter: You said you’re smart but you can’t even spell the word “it.”

She got me good.

—

Edit: My first front page post! I’d like to say thanks to all the wonderful people that upvoted this and made awesome comments. And screw you to the weirdos who went out or their way to say mean things. And thanks to my daughter. She is the real MVP in all this.

Edit: Thanks for my first ever Gold! I have no idea what it does but it sure is shiny =]

He responded, “Aisle B, Back”

Edit: wow first silver!!!! Thank you 🙏🏾 anonymous Redditor!

Edit2: my wife doesn’t use reddit. She’s thoroughly enjoying the responses to the joke in the joke jar she created for me and the silver (“whatever those are”). Happy Father’s!

Edit3: https://imgur.com/gallery/5G25Flw wife got me a nice gift 🎁

This post says otherwise

Edit: Wow someone gave me my first plat! As thanks, I'd steal make a post that says it all but this has already been posted before

Edit 2: thank you for the gold and silver!

Thanks for nothing

Edit: thanks so much stranger for the silver! My first silver award!

My first official dad joke.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!

The odds were against me.

Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain".

His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?"

He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!

My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!

Edit: We got him a couple hours ago! Everything went well, no complications. Thanks reddit strangers for the comments and well wishes. I know the rules say nothing identifying, 'oh when' ever they change that I'll post his name. Goodnight everyone, I have to try and nap before his feeding

I really hope Tide had another commercial ready just in case.

Edit: Thank you for the Reddit Gold, kind stranger! My first!

Shortcake

(Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)

EDIT: For peoples saying elves aren’t small, I’m referring to the type of elf that would work for santa, not lord of the rings. I’m sure you get the idea.

Attire.

Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!

When do we want them!

Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww

Edit: (lol first post and of course this joke has been said before)

He’s out standing in his field.

Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.

It hurts not being able to see my real ladder anymore.

Edit: Hopefully this will climb to the top for today.

Actual Edit: the first edit wasn't an edit, it was in the original post. I called my shot. fist pump

But when i do he laughs.

Edit: This is my first ever post on any subreddit I'm still getting the hand of it lol

I replied: 'what happened to getting it the first time?'.
Edit: my highest rated comment is a dad joke. I'll do my best not to let it go to my head. (Unless i get a call, I'm posting this from my phone)

First muffin: man it’s hot in here

Second muffin: holy shit a talking muffin!

Edit for formatting, us dads like a good format

Told my girlfriend I had some ideas for names for our future kids.

First was Penelope for a girl, because I always liked the nickname Penny. Girlfriend thought it was cute and agreed.

Next was Dimitri because it's not too common and sounds artsy. Girlfriend was not much of a fan, but agreed it would sound good with our last name.

Last was Nicholas Levar for a son's name. Named after Santa Claus and Star Trek's Geordi La Forge. I love Christmas and my girlfriend loves Star Trek. Girlfriend shot it down.

At this point I said, "But the nicknames are good! Penny, Dime, and Nick L. We would have 16 cents to our name! It makes cents to me!"

Not sure if she wants to have kids with me now.

EDIT: To the guys saying Dime isn't a nickname for Dimitri, they're MY imaginary kids, I'll call them what I damn want.

He returned it all denty.

Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.

Setting: My partner and I are sitting on the couch watching the Leafs v Bruins hockey game

Background: my partner loves puns, LOVES them and makes like 20+ pun jokes a day. I’m horrible with puns and have made like two in my entire life.

Here’s what happened: Hockey game: Boston dude is on the ground, leafs dude is on top of him, looks like there’s going to be a fight

Me: looks like there’s a fight a-brewin’

Partner: BRUIN! A-BRUIN (chuckles manically)

Me: damn, I just fell backwards right into that

Him: of course you didn’t do it on purpose (still chuckling, high fives me)

I was so impressed with my accidental pun My first thought was - I have to share this on reddit! (He’s still chuckling, btw)

Edited for formatting (mobile user, yada yada)

I am a teacher, I teach history first semester and economics second semester.

One student was upset about having so many graphs to understand and learn how to use.

St: I'm ok with memorizing everything about history, I'm ok figuring out how wars started and ended, but graphs...

Me: graphs is where you draw the line huh?

A five on the sighsmograph. Beautiful!

Edit: spelling

The only thing they have to fear is SPHERE itself (say it out loud too)

Edit: for people downvoting because this is a “repost”, I posted it the first time, took it down because a typo in the title, then posted it again

Edit2: misspelled typo

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday dear...

Edit: Wow. Wasn't expecting over 1,000 upvotes on my first ever post. Thanks!

No Franks

EDIT: Wow! Thanks guys! One thousand up-votes is crazy for my first submission on reddit. My dad told me this joke while we were grocery shopping.

I was driving by some land for sale and wondered the price. It was a lot.

Edit. First attempt at submitting one. Thought of it on the way home from work today.

My sister teaches at a high school for children with learning and behavior disorders, and every year she hosts a skills summer camp.

2015 will be geology-themed, and we need help thinking of a fun name for the camp.

Previous years: 2014 Summer Scenarios: Little Egypt (Egyptian themed) 2013 Summer Scenarios (first year had no kitchy name, but it was zombie-themed)

Potential examples: Stone Throne, Rock Steady, Taken for Granite, etc.

During the live-in camp (boarding school), they'll learn survival/outdoorsmanship skills (fire starting, gardening, canoeing, etc.), and have geologists as guest speakers.

Any high school learning-friendly geology-themed blockbusters would be welcome suggestions, too--but I'll post that for the people over at /r/movies.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: Thanks to everyone who actually gave appropriate suggestions, and high-fives to those who just made rock puns. My sister selected Game of Stones.

They're a pretty remarkable invention.

Edit: thanks kind stranger! My first ever award! Edit 2: Thanks for the Platinum kind stranger!